Jail time happens when the party leaves the back and ends on the chin

Remember when a particular group of the Amish took part in hate crimes? We do. You should too, especially now that there’s been an update to that story!

That’s right: convictions are in order! And yes, it is tragic what happened to a group of traumatized individuals that have been humiliated in a public form and fashion. That said, no other story would allow this type of phrase to exist:

the sprawling Mullet farm

It’s OK, they can’t read this

Eight Amish men, who didn’t think things through before going all religiousy, have been sent to jail in Kentucky for failing to put an orange reflective warning sign on the back of their horse-drawn buggies. The men failed to comply with the road safety law and refused to pay their fines, saying to even do that would violate their prohibition against bright colors or man-made symbols.

For sticking to their faith, they have been rewarded by their God with brightly-colored jumpsuits, cable television, free internet and phone calls and butt sex.

:: slow clap ::

Rich. Meaty. Sin-filled.

The first sentence in this story might be one of the greatest sentences that has never been made up.

Okay, I need to figure something out. If there are some people out there that think getting their picture taken will steal their soul, if they themselves take a picture of their junk, does that only steal the soul of the genitalia? In other words, before arrests were made, was there an Amish man running around with a soulless penis?

When the hard questions dare be asked, SeriouslyGuys dares ask.

Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Health care reform was signed into law this week. Half the country is not happy. They feel like everything they know about health care and the insurance industry (which is, by design of both systems, not much) has been turned on its head and that this is the beginning of the end of America.

I could write a counter-argument about why they’re exaggerating this situation, trying to vilify the half of America that thinks it’s a good idea.

I could ignore them and celebrate a minuscule victory that, in the long scheme, will matter very little to the day-to-day lives of most people.

But both of those options would just be an insult to their pain. The way I figure, the debate’s over, so it’s time to get back together. To reunite over the things that we all love and hate. Here is the list that could very well usher in a new era of harmony … until the next bill is proposed.

(Please send all Nobel Peace Prizes to my work address. I’ve got some coworkers in dire need of a good flauntin’.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Gunmen have keen sense of smell

Smokey, the Gun Safety BearWhen a friend of SeriouslyGuys, Bobby Finstock, wrote about taking this morning’s depressing news and feeding it through an internal spin doctor, we were surprised to discover just how grim all of today’s news really is.

We wake up much later than Bobby — whose early mornings indicate he may be a bad Mennonite for using the Internet — so we were surprised to find the news had not improved by the crack of 2:30 pm. Fortunately, we found a terrible story with a silver lining.

13 people, many recent immigrants, were killed in a shooting spree at the American Civic Association in Birmingham, New York on Friday. Horrible, right?

The first casualty, Secretary Shirley DeLuccia, survived her gut shot by playing dead.

So, if you’re ever confronted by a gunman in the wild, play dead. Gunmen only shoot live prey and will move on to their next meal, which can be found in the dumpster behind the ranger station. Also, never position yourself between a gunman and its cubs.

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.