UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

Man loses penis the hard way

When doctors in Columbia faced a Gordian’s knot of an erect penis, they cut it off. And that’s why you should worry if your Viagra erection lasts longer than four hours.

After storing all that blood for so long, it became self-aware and angry.
After storing all that blood for so long, it became self-aware and angry.

But, let’s rewind. (Don’t you love it when TV shows start this way?)

One week earlier: a 66-year-old man in the town of Gigante (not making that up) decided to impress his lover by intentionally overdosing himself with Viagra.

He didn’t show up at the hospital until a week later, so it must have worked. After all, a week is a long time. That’s a lot of takeout ordering if you can’t leave the house without clotheslining anyone taller than three feet. And once you run out of hats to hang off it, then you’re back to the ol’ Netflix queue … which you can watch at any mast.

So, it’s all fun and games until somebody loses their hard-on. Just try to exercise some restraint so that you can have fun again later. After a nap. And maybe a sandwich.

All fun and games until somebody loses fingers

Two high school students lost eight fingers and one thumb in a tug-of-war match, breaking the record previously set in 1904 with four fingers and four handlebar mustaches amputated.
Two high school students lost a combined eight fingers and one thumb in a tug-of-war match, breaking the record previously set in 1904 with four fingers and four handlebar mustaches.

A game of tug-of-war at South Monte High School ended abruptly when the rope snapped, amputating a combined nine fingers from two participating students. One lost four fingers on his right hand, and another lost four fingers on her right hand and left thumb, which makes her the default winner since the match ended without a traditional victor. It’s believed that the students had wrapped the rope around their hands, and that this generated the force necessary to snap the rope and tear their fingers off.

The match was part of the school’s annual celebration of Spirit Week. Even if their fingers are reattached successfully, it may take months before they have the full range of motion necessary to convey that they have spirit, yes they do. And until doctors are able to reattach them, the students will be unable to stop farting after the ultimate pulling of fingers.

Not so funny now, is it, Uncle Jack?

[Via Patrick H.]

Yowch

I mean, really … yowch (link is potentially Not Safe For Work).

Breaking up is hard to do, and teenagers are super emotional (hilariously making them lamer than they can even believe), but nonetheless … yeesh. There are somethings a lad can do to get over being dumped, but to quote a line from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “he chose poorly.”

Glass half full side: some old and unmarried woman is going to get her wish the next time she tosses a penny down the well.