A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.
At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)
It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.
And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.
“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”
Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!
“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”
Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.
So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.
Angelina Jolie, your public breastfeeding days are over … anytime you want to put those away?
On October 24, two movies will be released simultaneously. That’s not so awkward; movies get released on the same day all the time.
You know what irks me? Having to apologize to myself whenever I watch a movie starring Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Edward Norton, John and Joan Cusack, Martin Sheen, Darryl Hannah, Edward James Olmos, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Christopher Reeves or any other politically-involved actor.