Is Fox News trying to tell us something?

"We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the War on Christmas."
“We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the gay agenda.”

Fox News is home to more anger and indignation than one yellow couch can contain, especially for a news channel. And with its early efforts at promoting the Tea Party, including the organization and promotion of several “FNC Tax Day Tea Parties” back in 2009, it’s clearly designed to help you get angry, too.

So, what’s with today’s report that your heart attack risk rises after angry outbursts? Sounds like somebody got some unskewed EKG results.

Aneurysm? We barely knew ‘er … ysm

According to a study published May 5 in Stroke–the medical journal, not Stroke Magazine–the following eight activities can trigger aneurysms (or those brain things that conveniently kill moms in quirky movies):

8. Drinking coffee
6. (tie) Nose-blowing
6. (tie) Exercising with gusto
5. Drinking cola
4. Getting angry
3. Pushing too hard while pooping (We can talk this way because we’re discussing a medical issue.)
2. Sexing
1. Being surprised

What somehow didn’t make the list? Viewing it in a g%@damn slideshow.

Oh, wait. There’s the anger.

The toilet paper is too damn high!

Unfortunately, as always in life there are goodniks and no-goodniks. More often than not, the no-goodniks tend to cost us more in life, whether it be a financial or intangible expense. No-goodniks, it would seem, have cost the people that use the bathrooms at the New Rochelle train station in New York said bathrooms. Cue puns stating crappy behavior and whatnot.

Obviously, there’s been a bit of an economic crunch over the past couple of years, if you haven’t noticed, and while we’re slowly getting out of it, the emphasis is on slowly. As such, things like repairs tend to cost a fair amount of money, though the city government might say too much money, and the bathrooms are being closed. However, this has angered many (dare I say tens of tens?) patrons who use the restrooms. Coincidentally enough, the bathrooms on the trains themselves haven’t actually been closed.

I can’t understand why someone would actually want to use a public restroom, much less at a train station, but there are apparently those that do. Why would you do such a thing?

Obama’s search for perfect ass

With today’s headlines about President Barack Obama, it may be a good idea to hide your puppies.

The President worked out his rage as most people do, with Matt Lauer, concerning the BP oil leak; BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward and the idea that he hasn’t blown up an oil rig off the coast of England with “Fat” Tony stuck inside.

President Obama justified his meetings with experts, saying that it takes a committee to nominate names and assess asses before an ass can be kicked. He added, “This seems to work pretty well for the Pentagon.”

In the meantime, Hayward is still very much physically unharmed by any and all able-bodied U.S. politicians.

Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

Health care reform was signed into law this week. Half the country is not happy. They feel like everything they know about health care and the insurance industry (which is, by design of both systems, not much) has been turned on its head and that this is the beginning of the end of America.

I could write a counter-argument about why they’re exaggerating this situation, trying to vilify the half of America that thinks it’s a good idea.

I could ignore them and celebrate a minuscule victory that, in the long scheme, will matter very little to the day-to-day lives of most people.

But both of those options would just be an insult to their pain. The way I figure, the debate’s over, so it’s time to get back together. To reunite over the things that we all love and hate. Here is the list that could very well usher in a new era of harmony … until the next bill is proposed.

(Please send all Nobel Peace Prizes to my work address. I’ve got some coworkers in dire need of a good flauntin’.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to feel good

SG Counterpoint: Your poop stinks

Every couple of days, some Internet writer thinks they’re going to hold a mirror up to frequent users and cause us to rethink how we do our Serious Business. The attacks, like in Todd Leopold’s trite little puff piece (“#@*!!! Anonymous anger rampant on Internet”), are always the same list of grievances:

  • Users are anonymous on the Internet.
  • They can say whatever they want without fear of repercussion.
  • Anyone can read what they say.
  • Some kid committed suicide because her neighbor harassed her online.
  • Therefore, we shouldn’t post angry statements on the Internet.

OK, for the sake of argument, let’s say that, yes, there are a lot of angry comments online about celebrity bad behavior, school bullies and morons, often using bad names and language.

So what? They’ve had it too good for far too long.

Americans have spent the last 200+ years not getting rebuked for doing stupid things like drunk driving, abusing their peers and spouting moronic talking points without getting called out on it. That’s how you change behavior: by posting every time someone gets away with being a poor example of humanity.

Thanks to anonymity, Internet users are able to do the one thing we can’t do in public: tell a jerk how it is. And now they have to listen, no matter how big, rich or powerful they may be.