The world of beer is inherently silly, especially because so many people take it so seriously. Think about how many times you’ve mocked a friend for his or her choice in carbonated malt-hop beverage. But it’s good when beer companies don’t take themselves too seriously.
The message from Anheuser-Busch InBev thanked the craft brewers for their “loyal tribute” but warned that further violation would result in more scrolls. They also gave the brewery two tickets to the Super Bowl.
The Guys have two important updates in the world of booze today, and both center around civil aviation.
If you’ve ever waited for your luggage in the airport, then you’ve probably seen a few mushy airport greetings. We never got them, personally. You just went on a trip to get away from someone, and now you both have to pretend to be happy to see each other?
That is, until we saw this airport reunion.
An Australian man (of course) checked the beeah (it’s apparently Australian for “beer”) as his sole luggage on a flight from Melbourne to Perth. And, to demonstrate how much more seriously Australia takes both beer and luggage, it arrived in perfect condition. So, that’s two reasons to fly Quantas now.
On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how much you pay for the flight, there’s still a limit to how much you can drink before they’ll let you take off. Former Anheuser-Busch CEO August Busch IV was taken into custody for allegedly appearing too intoxicated to pilot a helicopter, which is weird, because we thought everyone drinks Bud Light to sober up before heading home. But, statistically, it’s still the safest way to travel to Waffle House at 3am.
If anyone owes alcohol for their entire purpose, it’s Uber. Before Uber, we used to actually choose some unfortunate human sacrifice to nurse a beer all night, endure all of our drunken antics and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, drive our drunk asses home. Or, more often than not, we’d take a cab — but what’s the fun of riding in an appropriately licensed capacity van when you can dogpile into the back of some rando’s Nissan Sentra?
So, it’s no surprise that Uber would lead the charge to make robots not only drive us to booze, but to drive booze to us.
Uber-owned robotics company, Otto, just delivered 2,000 cases of Budweiser in a robotically self-driven semi truck pulling a 53-foot trailer. The robotic tractor-trailer traveled 120 miles with no human assistance, just an observer for safety and tracking.
We may have had our misgivings about robots in the past, but when they bring us a beer, then they can’t be that bad, right?
Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.
As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.
Remember back when Facebook had the “poke” feature? You could click the button on someone’s profile, and the next time they logged in, it would let them know that you poked them. Hours of fun!
Anheuser-Busch is taking all the fun of the poke and combining it with bros icing bros. If you live in Chicago or Denver, you can now send someone a voucher for a free Bud Light via Facebook. The genius of the prank is that it’s twofold. First, you end up hating your friend for suggesting you like terrible beer, then it wears you down, say after day, until you get desperate enough that to take that voucher to your local bar and humiliate yourself by turning it in.
Finally, you wallow in shame for what you’ve done as you nurse your free beer.
God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates robots. Robots destroy man. It’s the shadow of a dark future looming over our heads. All the time we are building smarter and more automated machines, on top of this, we’re teaching them things about ourselves, so it stands to reason they will get tired or reading our whiny Facebook posts, snap, and kill us all.
One day, when our robot masters decide to write history e-books, they will show that the beginning of the end of mankind occurred during the 2014 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, of all places. There aren’t any robot baseball players, that would actually be kind of cool. Actually, it’s the dawn of the automated bartender.
Got big weekend plans? Whatever you do, do not grab some Buds. You may wind up in the hospital.
According to researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, if you wind up in the emergency room after drinking, it’s very likely that you were drinking Budweiser. By drinking Bud Light, you only slightly decrease your chances. In fact, those are the only regular beers that will do that to you, because the next most common injury-related swills were Steel Reserve, Colt 45, Bud Ice (all malt liquors) and Barton’s vodka, which is probably rotgut.
What is it about Budweiser that causes its drinkers to injure themselves? Legend has it that every time Anheuser-Busch put a regional brewery out of business in the mid-20th century, its owners would put a hex on the growing beer monstrosity. Now, the souls of those breweries have come back to exact their revenge on Budweiser drinkers. Not even a clydesdale can help you outrun your fate.
Anheuser-Busch and Stolichnaya vodka distributor, William Grant & Sons, have objected to their labels appearing in the new Denzel Washington flick, Flight. Washington plays a high functioning alcoholic — or one of The Guys — who drinks throughout the film, including behind the wheel and while flying as an airline pilot.
“We would never condone the misuse of our products, and have a long history of promoting responsible drinking and preventing drunk driving,” Rob McCarthy, vice president of Budweiser, wrote in a statement to distance his company from the film.
Responsible uses of Budweiser, according to sanctioned uses of their label in commercials, include: building a house out of Bud Light cans, animal husbandry and horse cart driving, picking up chicks in darkened bars, sports superstition, and drinking it for the sake of it being (in their words) “drinkable.”
As for Stoli, nothing good ever comes from drinking that. Nothing you’d tell your parents about, anyway.
But, still: good looking out for your brands’ reputations, morons. After all, bad things only happen to drunk drivers.