The sea lion uprising has begun

Vicious killers.

There’s panic in the streets of San Francisco, a city of normally-calm tech bros and Full House tourists. The chaos is coming from the water, and no swimmer is safe.

Sea lions are on the rampage, according to the National Parks Service. It’s gotten so bad that one popular swimming area had to be closed. Three swimmers have been attacked by sea lions in a single week. And no one can recall a single attack happening ever before.

It seems obvious that these monsters are rising up in a bid to overthrow humanity, as we knew they one day would.

Latest animal attack in Wal-Mart parking lot: monkey

If you haven’t learned by now, this is not the summer to spend any time in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Animals will attack. This time, they chose to strike in Lancaster, Ohio.

According to reports, a customer’s monkey got loose in a Wal-Mart parking lot and began attacking an employee working the cart corrals. The owner was nearby, and luckily, was able to stop the assault before the employee was injured. An eyewitness video shows the owner then taking the monkey by the hand and carrying it away, presumably to a getaway vehicle.

The good news is that the employee wasn’t bitten, but the bad news is that the monkey wasn’t charged with assault.

Our elderly should have to live in fear of squirrel attack

Legally, spring is here, even if it’s still snowing in some parts of the country. And that means our deadly foes are waking up from their long winter’s naps and plotting our destruction once more. Now they’re after our elderly.

In New York City, a squirrel broke into an 89-year-old man’s house undetected. She then burrowed into his couch and had babies. Since it was his house, and the squirrel had failed to ask permission to enter, much less give birth there, the old man began forcibly removing the squirrel family, when the mother attacked him.

Luckily, he fought off the tree rat and was treated at a nearby hospital. The squirrels have a date with the exterminator.

You win some, you lose some

We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.

Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.

Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.

Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.

Red Sox join the War on Animals

Baseball season is finally upon us. We know it, our former enemies friends in Japan know it and obviously so do the animals. Seeing an opportunity to strike at loyal Boston Red Sox fans, a red-tailed hawk made a nest at the majestic Fenway Park, a baseball Mecca.

The hawk waited for its opportunity, and was noticed by ballpark staff. The bird was scheduled to be dealt with when it attacked a girl taking a tour of the park with her middle school class, cutting her head above her eye. Not surprisingly, the nest was located just above the press box, most likely waiting for the off chance to silence The Guys.

The story has a somewhat happy ending. The hawk flew off and is reported to be still at large after the nest, and an egg, were removed. New item on the Fenway menu: omelettes.

UPDATE: Sports Illustrated has a picture of the attack.

In unhappier news, sea lions in California had been given a death sentence (and rightly so!) by the state government, then the inHumane Society came in and made them stop. The stay of execution will last until something is worked out by the group and state and federal agencies. This blog will never waver from its “kill the bastards” stance.

In a case of lose-lose, while the sea lions could meet their end, or even be moved, they are being moved to that salmon can make it ustream to spawn. We can handle the salmon, though.