It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.
In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.
According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.
Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.
The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.
It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.
It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.
In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.
Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.
We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.
In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.
And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.
When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.
In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.
Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.
It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.
The opioid epidemic that is gutting communities throughout the U.S. doesn’t stop at the border. Canada is dealing with the crisis, too. There’s nothing funny about a crippling addition to opioids — well, maybe the constipation.
In any case, there’s a rare bit of light coming from, Vancouver, where authorities have found a bird’s nest made out of used syringes. The discovery was made in an unoccupied room of a seedy hotel in Vancouver’s opioid hotspot. A sink with dozens of syringes in it is home to three pigeon eggs.
If we haven’t made it clear by now, you should avoid Wal-Mart at all costs, and not because they gut your town’s economy. Those places, their parking lots, specifically, are targetsforanimalattacks.
In Arkansas, police responded to a report of 40 snakes in the parking lot, creating a panic. Many Wal-Mart-goers were concerned that the snakes where poisonous, but fortunately, this turned out not to be true.
Police believe that the snakes were put there by some evil person, but that’s lazy police work. It is entirely conceivable that these snakes showed up in the Wal-Mart parking lot on their own specifically to wreak havoc on the local populace. These non-poisonous snakes wanted to live one day like they were as dangerous at the ones that have venom.
If that wasn’t enough, a new race of superslugs is invading Britain, albeit very slowly. Researchers say that an invasive species of slug, which is from Spain, is breeding with a native species and creating a hybrid. The Spanish slug is larger than the British slug, and likes to eat stuff like dead mice and its fellow slugs, and it’s an attractive meal for native predators. The hybrid species has these tendencies, but with the native species’ tolerance for frost. It is a race of superslug that is poised to take over the country.
The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah,rememberthat?
In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.
Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.
The main problem with animals is that we can’t control them. You can say you have your dog trained, but when the food supply runs out, who’s really the master? Cats do whatever they want, and every other animal you come into contact with does whatever it feels like doing at that time. Thanks to science, soon we will have remote-controlled turtles.
Researchers in South Korea are working on creating cyborg turtles. If everything goes according to plan, you could one day control the movements of a turtle using only your mind. These folks want to put a system onto a turtle’s shell that would send it signals on which way to navigate. The human controlling it would wear a headset that would read brainwaves, and send commands to the turtle-mounted system over wifi.
So basically, it’s Dino Riders, but in real life. The future is going to be awesome.