It’s spring time here in the Northern Hemisphere, and that means the animals have moved from their winter quarters and are on the attack. The War on Animals is here again.
In Connecticut, it’s off to an early start. A bunch of hawks are terrorizing the good people of Fairfield. Local police have warned residents to be careful after several residents have reported hawks swooping down and attacking their heads. State and federal officials have even gotten involved. Hoping to relocate the offending hawks.
You would think they would learn that there’s only one way to deal with these creatures.
Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.
In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.
Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.
The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.
It’s nice to see some common-sense solutions being brought forward by our leaders for a change. Our friends in Kansas are our to make sure no animal tries to take over their government again.
Last week we told you about how Hutch the dog tried to run for governor, but was denied. (Bad dog, Hutch!) The Kansas House of Representatives just passed a bill restricting who can run for governor. If it becomes law, no animal would be able to run for governor ever again.
Of course, the bill would also block minors from running for governor, too. But when have people under the age of 18 ever sought to make their community a better place?
Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.
Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.
Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?
There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.
Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.
City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.
Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.
In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.
A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.
No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.
Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.
Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.
The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.
Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.
Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.
Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.
The Bible tells us that animals have no souls, despite every pet owner in the world trying to humanize their pets with captions on Facebook. We just got further confirmation that they have no souls, and by “they,” we mean sea lions.
Researchers at the University of California-Santa Cruz have been conducting tests on their prisoners, conducting psychological warfare by playing terrible music. What they found is nothing short of shocking. Sea lions are able to bob their heads to the beat of a song they have heard before.
Further, when they hear a new song, a Backstreet Boys song, they are able to bob their heads to that as well. Which means that sea lions like the Backstreet Boys. Not even our interrogation tactics work against them!
Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.
A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.
We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.