When students at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis return to campus this month, they will be walking onto a battlefield, and the university wants them to know it.
The university sent out a warning to students to avoid aggressive squirrels that are trying to take over the campus. Squirrels are dirty and can carry some nasty diseases, so students should stay away from them as much as possible. IUPUI blames the aggressive squirrel problem not on the worldwide attempt by animals to overthrow humans for domain over Earth, but on the students themselves.
It claims that people have been feeding the squirrels, which means they lose their fear of us and start to demand food. Then they get aggressive and go after people. And then the whole school gets the plague.
According to wildlife experts, there is a scary virus infecting Oak Eggar moth caterpillars in the wild, and it’s controlling their minds until they explode. The caterpillars typically avoid sunlight, but ones infected with the baculovirus are forced to climb to up plants as high as they can and just sit there until they die. But the virus isn’t done yet. After the caterpillar dies, the virus keeps working, liquefying the innards until the body explodes, sending infectious goo everywhere to find new victims.
Needless to say, the U.K. is on high alert. We’re no scientists, but it’s only a matter of time before this virus starts infecting humans.
It’s an old gag, and as classic as the whoopee cushion: one person hands a friend a can of nuts of chips, and when the friend opens it, a spring-loaded snake jumps out. Most of us would just brush it off as lame, someone in China thought, “What if?”
Here in America, we take it for granted that there aren’t dead animals sealed inside our beer bottles — until the craft beer movement decides that’s the next cool trend anyway. But if you go drinking in the land of New Zeals, make sure to look your drink over first.
A New Zealand woman reports that she found a dead lizard at the bottom of a beer she was enjoying over the weekend. She took to Facebook to complain that her Pure Blonde beer, an Australian low-carb brew, had a nasty surprise at the bottom. What’s worse than finding a dead lizard in your beer? Being forced to admit online that you drink low-carb beer, which tastes so bad that you couldn’t tell there was a dead animal soaking in it.
You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?
The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.
In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.
If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.
For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.
Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.
It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.
In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.
According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.
Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.
The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.
It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.
It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.
In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.
Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.
We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.
In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.
And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.