Tag: animals

Warrior of the Week

Florida can be dangerous place to be. They’ve got swamps crawling with members of Al-igator and other creatures. But they also have something many people don’t think about: bobcats.

Elaine Grace, 57, was walking her dog when a bobcat attacked her. The woman was not a goner, however, she only got mad, and wrestled the big cat to the ground and pinned it. The animal refused to cry uncle, so she was forced to hold it in place until passersby heard the commotion and came to help.

Grace was treated for minor injuries, the bobcat was euthenized on the spot to send a message to all others in the Tallahassee bobcat community. We salute Grace for her bravery, hope she gets better soon.

War pauses for no one

Though SG was off last week, the War of Animals did not take a single day off, we believe this is mostly because there was no cease fire agreed to by officials on either side. So, in an effort to keep from shirking out duties, here’s what happened while we were away:

Hundreds of ducks turned up dead in Alberta, Canada. The traitorous Canadian government is actually angry about this, and is investigating an oil company in connection with this masterstroke blow to the nation’s waterfowl population.

The birds apparently landed on a pond that had toxic waste in it. Only five of the ducks were saved. This is good news, but this blog cannot rule out that these ducks now have super powers. Continue reading War pauses for no one

Shrimp are just plain evil

Shocking news this morning, (from what this blog assumes, we just glanced at the story because we were so shocked,) as CNN reports that workers are being abused in the shrimp industry. According to the story, workers are kept in slave-like conditions and are forced to do their shrimp master’s bidding.

This blog takes a stand on human slavery. It may not be a popular view, but we are against it. We are even more against it when it involves animals enslaving humans. Now, humans enslaving animals is perfectly acceptable (hello, milk machines!) and often encouraged.

Folks, there are people in Asia being enslaved by shrimp. This blog can think of only one man for the job.

The latest in diet tips

Spiders–sometimes they create superheroes, but most of the time, they are evil, especially in the War on Animals. They have attacked our space shuttles and even made us have forced sexual relations with another person.

But despite all this, spiders might actually be doing some good for us. It turns out they are killing off those pesky songbirds we all know and hate. According to a recent study, spiders, which are eaten by some types of birds, collect a lot of mercury and in turn end up with high mercury content in their blood (which leads to other health problems, including osteoporosis).

This blog really isn’t sure where to stand on spiders. They cause so much harm, but they are helping us rid the world of the avian menace. For now, we will stay neutral on them.

Why can’t we finish them off?

There is never any news quite as good as when another species goes extinct. Obviously, it means we are that much closer to victory in the War on Animals, but when we find what we thought were dead species alive and well, we are not doing our jobs well enough.

Researchers have found a giant turtle in Vietnam that had not been seen in years, leading many to think it was extinct. The turtle is indeed still alive, and scientists think there could be more of them left, too. Is there no war we can win in that country?

What’s even worse, the Discovery Channel, which owns the Al Jazeera-like Animal Planet, reported recently that some pygmy elephants from Borneo have been found alive. People, we thought we killed these bastards off in the 18th century.

This is a call to arms. We need to make sure we kill off these creatures before they undo all the work we and our forefathers did. Let us finish the job.

Get your crucifixes ready

As part of our ongoing coverage of the appearance of monsters across the world, we bring you this frightening bulletin: German police have found a great deal of dead animals in around the city of Bochum lately. Ordinarily, this blog would think this is a good thing.

However, 21 rabbits, three chickens and four foul wild birds have been found decapitated and drained of their blood. This blog is never one to jump to conclusions, but normally, when blood starts getting drained in any Austro-German territory, it means bad things. The Guys recommend staying alert.

The peacock uprising

It has started. We knew those strange looking birds were up to something. Not to mention in Florida, everyone is up to something, even the animals.

Yes, this blog must angerly announce that peacocks have begun their hostile occupation of a neighborhood in Florida. Not much is known at this point, but over 100 peacocks have taken over the place, harassing citizens at every turn.

The worst part about it, is that peacocks are protected under Florida state law. This blog has said it from the start, when peacocks are protected, only peacocks will be outlaws.

National Zoo sneaks in more pandas

The National Zoo has been on our watch list recently. As promised SG is here to keep you posted on the evils that are being done to house these federally-supported animals. We regret to inform you that the National Zoo is at it again.

The panda-crazed zoo has just added two more pandas, only this time they are red pandas. (We just won a bet we couldn’t say “panda” three times in one sentence.) Apparently, they tried to sneak this one past us while everyone in the Greater Washington area is fixated on the visit of Pope Benedict XVI.

Red pandas are known as the uglier, stranger looking branch of the panda family. Unlike their giant “black” panda cousins, they are not cuddly, but they are just as deadly. The National Zoo said it hopes to complete its collection of all the colors in the panda rainbow.

This blog has not yet ruled out rumors of a panda attack to coincide with the Beijing Olympics this summer.

Only war during hunting season?

Fowl appear to be out to foul up the federal government, which has run them afoul of this blog. (Too much?) First, we find that turkeys, be they jive or of some other condition, are attacking our letter carriers for no established reason.

Now, ducks are attempting to clog up our legal system with frivolous court orders. On Long Island, New York, an alert citizen, most likely a reader of this blog, shot his neighbor’s pet duck with a pellet gun. He wounded the animal and probably taught it a lesson it won’t soon forget. However justified the man’s actions were, the duck convinced a court that not only was the man at fault, but the duck was in imminent danger and needed an order of protection.

The Guys are supportive of the man and are appalled that birds of any feather can be treated with so favorably when all they seek is the destruction of our government. Activist judges are species traitors.

Red Sox join the War on Animals

Baseball season is finally upon us. We know it, our former enemies friends in Japan know it and obviously so do the animals. Seeing an opportunity to strike at loyal Boston Red Sox fans, a red-tailed hawk made a nest at the majestic Fenway Park, a baseball Mecca.

The hawk waited for its opportunity, and was noticed by ballpark staff. The bird was scheduled to be dealt with when it attacked a girl taking a tour of the park with her middle school class, cutting her head above her eye. Not surprisingly, the nest was located just above the press box, most likely waiting for the off chance to silence The Guys.

The story has a somewhat happy ending. The hawk flew off and is reported to be still at large after the nest, and an egg, were removed. New item on the Fenway menu: omelettes.

UPDATE: Sports Illustrated has a picture of the attack.

In unhappier news, sea lions in California had been given a death sentence (and rightly so!) by the state government, then the inHumane Society came in and made them stop. The stay of execution will last until something is worked out by the group and state and federal agencies. This blog will never waver from its “kill the bastards” stance.

In a case of lose-lose, while the sea lions could meet their end, or even be moved, they are being moved to that salmon can make it ustream to spawn. We can handle the salmon, though.