The peacock uprising

It has started. We knew those strange looking birds were up to something. Not to mention in Florida, everyone is up to something, even the animals.

Yes, this blog must angerly announce that peacocks have begun their hostile occupation of a neighborhood in Florida. Not much is known at this point, but over 100 peacocks have taken over the place, harassing citizens at every turn.

The worst part about it, is that peacocks are protected under Florida state law. This blog has said it from the start, when peacocks are protected, only peacocks will be outlaws.

National Zoo sneaks in more pandas

The National Zoo has been on our watch list recently. As promised SG is here to keep you posted on the evils that are being done to house these federally-supported animals. We regret to inform you that the National Zoo is at it again.

The panda-crazed zoo has just added two more pandas, only this time they are red pandas. (We just won a bet we couldn’t say “panda” three times in one sentence.) Apparently, they tried to sneak this one past us while everyone in the Greater Washington area is fixated on the visit of Pope Benedict XVI.

Red pandas are known as the uglier, stranger looking branch of the panda family. Unlike their giant “black” panda cousins, they are not cuddly, but they are just as deadly. The National Zoo said it hopes to complete its collection of all the colors in the panda rainbow.

This blog has not yet ruled out rumors of a panda attack to coincide with the Beijing Olympics this summer.

Only war during hunting season?

Fowl appear to be out to foul up the federal government, which has run them afoul of this blog. (Too much?) First, we find that turkeys, be they jive or of some other condition, are attacking our letter carriers for no established reason.

Now, ducks are attempting to clog up our legal system with frivolous court orders. On Long Island, New York, an alert citizen, most likely a reader of this blog, shot his neighbor’s pet duck with a pellet gun. He wounded the animal and probably taught it a lesson it won’t soon forget. However justified the man’s actions were, the duck convinced a court that not only was the man at fault, but the duck was in imminent danger and needed an order of protection.

The Guys are supportive of the man and are appalled that birds of any feather can be treated with so favorably when all they seek is the destruction of our government. Activist judges are species traitors.

Red Sox join the War on Animals

Baseball season is finally upon us. We know it, our former enemies friends in Japan know it and obviously so do the animals. Seeing an opportunity to strike at loyal Boston Red Sox fans, a red-tailed hawk made a nest at the majestic Fenway Park, a baseball Mecca.

The hawk waited for its opportunity, and was noticed by ballpark staff. The bird was scheduled to be dealt with when it attacked a girl taking a tour of the park with her middle school class, cutting her head above her eye. Not surprisingly, the nest was located just above the press box, most likely waiting for the off chance to silence The Guys.

The story has a somewhat happy ending. The hawk flew off and is reported to be still at large after the nest, and an egg, were removed. New item on the Fenway menu: omelettes.

UPDATE: Sports Illustrated has a picture of the attack.

In unhappier news, sea lions in California had been given a death sentence (and rightly so!) by the state government, then the inHumane Society came in and made them stop. The stay of execution will last until something is worked out by the group and state and federal agencies. This blog will never waver from its “kill the bastards” stance.

In a case of lose-lose, while the sea lions could meet their end, or even be moved, they are being moved to that salmon can make it ustream to spawn. We can handle the salmon, though.

Octopi: Moral degenerates

Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.

First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.

What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.

The enemy hits a new low

There are some issues that even we here at SG stay away from. There are just some topics you can’t find the lighter side in, at least not without hitting some nerves. That’s why we stay away from important topics like Iraq, women’s issues and Britney Spears. Until recently, there was a fourth taboo topic on that list, but because of our dedication to covering the War on Animals, we are going to cover it. Yes, our animal enemies have stooped to rape.

A New Zealand man told police he had been raped by a wombat. Really. But already a victim, the courts did not take a kind view to his story and sentenced him to 75 hours of community service. The man was unable to prove in court that he had been violated by said animal and was found to have been wasting police time.

The man had called police ranting about being raped by a wombat and said he needed immediate assistance. Shortly afterward, he called back and said he was OK and that the wombat had “pulled out.” Yeesh.

Quite possibly the greatest quote of all time: “‘Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know, I didn’t hurt my bum at all.'”

If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault from an animal, please don’t hesitate to get help.

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.

Zebras really don’t change their stripes

It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.

Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.

Then this blog found another startling revelation:

“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”

The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?

Friday morning eye opener

Good morning, Internet. This blog has seen its fair share of those random text-based ads you see on web pages, e-mail messages and search engines. Sometimes they are interesting, most of the time they are irrelevant (except, of course, for any of our advertisers), but sometimes they can be shocking.

Recently, this blog came across a Web site called DateACougar.com (link may not be SFW, but there is no nudity) and we were shocked! How could anyone even think of dating a ferocious animal like a cougar cougar? Last time we checked, cougars are animals and we happen to be at war with animals!

Nevertheless, for some reason this site seems to be popular with women in their 40s and 50s, as well as younger men. One can choose to search through profiles to find a man, a cougar or a couple (of humans, we assume). This is just sick!

Remember folks, just because she may have a pretty smile, wag her tail and even purr when you walk in the room does not make it OK to date outside of your species–no matter how luscious those felines may look!

Insert ‘bee’ pun here

Aside from whales, bees seem to be the most common animal at seems to keep posing threats to the American way. Not only are these buggers capable of harming humans regardless or age, race or creed (you have probably fallen victim to an attack at least once in your life), but they are kidnapping our celebrities.

However, they are now proving to be quite resourceful–nay, industrious–even when in captivity. A truck carrying untold numbers of bee prisoners of war in Sacramento, California flipped over, most likely due to a bee attack. The bees escaped and promptly began stinging everything in sight.

“The bees stung cops and firefighters who tried to corral them. They buzzed toward nearby businesses and forced them to shut their doors.”

See? They are attacking our bravest and finest, as well as trying to take down the economy (like that needs help). It’s the very definition of total war. It’s time we take the fight to them. Grab a can of Raid and let’s march!