Animals hate everything we stand for–it’s no secret. But it is becoming clearer lately that not only are they so hateful of us that they are willing to engage in the more traditional, aggressive attacks, but also passive-aggressive ones. Pets are a method of draining the average human of their monetary resources. Now, it seems they are willing to try the same tactics on our government.
A pet duck in Rhode Island was born with a neurological disorder that keeps it from walking. In any other country, that would make the pet duck a pet lunch, but here in America, the quacker is taking Uncle Sam for a ride, getting a scooter to help assist in its walking. This blog can only assume it was paid for by Medicare.
Let’s keep in mind that this duck does not hold a job, nor does it pay taxes. In fact, this blog is willing to bet the duck comes from generations of tax- (and axe-) dodging ducks. Yet our tax dollars are paying to keep this duck alive and comfortable.
It’s not often entire countries get behind a movement enough that one can associate the whole nation with that particular cause. This week, The Guys are proud to announce one country has done such a thing for the good of the War on Animals. That country is: Norway!
One lobby group has come up with a slogan so genius, it could become the war’s rally cry, or simply just make people’s heads explode. Their slogan: “Eat whale and save the planet.”
You read that correctly. A pro-whaling lobby group is trying to convince Norwegian lawmakers that it is better for the environment to eat whale meat, than to sustain cows, chickens and other livestock, with the intent to kill them for their meat. This blog think the argument is retarded, but will fully endorse any chance to wipe out the whale population once and for all! Perhaps the U.S. Navy could lend a hand.
In other European aquatic animal-related news: scientists have found the first-ever six legged octopus. Henry the
octopus hexapus is in England. Why not call it a sexapus? Because “Sexapus” is the name of my upcoming debut album.
Bullfighting is probably one of the greatest sports in the world. Where else do so many people gather together to see a dangerous animal slowly and ritualistically killed? The running of the bulls is also good fun, because it teaches society that when a bull is running down the street toward you GET OUT OF THE WAY!
However, despite the bull’s many uses, it is also a threat to humanity. And despite international treaties condemning the practice, people still breed these monsters in Spain. Now, things are getting even worse, as one breeder says he wants to clone, or as they say in their country, “el clono,” a bull.
This must be stopped at once!
Global warming may be a threat after all. Not because some scientists are worried that we will be plunged into a new ice age because of it–that’s just crazy talk. But because warmer climates could result in us getting some rather unpleasant neighbors.
Scientists say that if the planet heats up at its current rate, by 2100, parts of North America could have a climate similar to Pakistan or Indonesia. While this blog has no idea what that means, there is a scarier aspect to this: Pythons could invade our territory.
“Climate modeling for the year 2100 which shows the possible climate range for pythons moving northward and swallowing up northernmost parts of Texas and Arkansas, the southeast half of Kansas, the southern half of Missouri and parts of southern Illinois and Indiana. Further east the big snakes could comfortably creep through Tennessee, Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and southern New Jersey.”
The west coast isn’t safe either. Folks, we have to either fight global warming or fight pythons. Since it’s unclear whether or not a shotgun can kill global warming, this blog recommends we go after pythons.
You may have heard about the latest commodity to start getting stolen: copper. Yes, the copper market has skyrocketed as the metal has gotten more and more precious due to the rapid growth in China.
Hey hey hey! Come back! This isn’t about the copper market!
But it seems there is a new market with a product being worth more and more. When this happens, the product comes under danger for being stolen. That product is lobster. Over 200 lbs of live lobster were stolen in Florida, probably to be sold to another seafood restaurant.
However, this blog hopes they were not stolen by a so-called animal activist group. Those lobsters are dangerous and need to be exterminated, if they are eaten in the process, that just makes it even better.
As most Spanish people and rodeo clowns can tell you, bulls are not the friendliest of creatures. In fact, they can be downright ornery. A 75-year-old Tennessee man found this out when he was feeding a bull on his son’s farm and it attacked him (the bull, not the farm).
As the bull was set to trample the man to death, his 13-year-old grandson, who happened to be driving a truck on the farm at the time, saw what was happening and attacked the bull with the truck, saving his grandfather. Sadly, it sounds like the bull was not killed in the accident, and therefore will not be coming to a McDonald’s near you.
Every country needs to keep an eye on the animals within its borders, with this war going on. And it’s nice to see one country has finally taken the 1984 approach. Not surprisingly, that country is China.
Yes, a municipality in China has begun planting microchips inside zoo animals. As reported by the country’s own government-controlled Xinhua news agency, the microchips will give zookeepers instant access to information, including the animal’s name, age, gender, species and turn-ons.
Because this is reported by such an impartial source, we can safely assume the microchips are being distributed equally amongst all of the animal population in this most glorious experiment on the People’s behalf. And of course, the microchips will be removed before the animals are served at local restaurants.
Last week, this blog ended a post saying that we could trust machines with any job we might give an animal. This blog would now like to rescind that statement. There are some things animals are so much better at than machines could or should ever be.
Scientists at this very moment are working on building robots on which to test chemicals, rather than testing them on cute little bunnies. Folks, if there is one job an animal has, it is to taste good, and if there are two jobs an animal has, those are to taste good and to be subjected to our cruel product testing. Better them than us.
More than just that, using robots to test on would mean we would have to give them some sort of intelligence. It is only a matter of time before the machines become self-aware and are tired of us. As Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles tells us (Mondays on FOX at 9 p.m. Eastern), self-aware machines are a very, very bad thing for the human race.
When a postman attempted to defend his drink driving (British for “drunk driving”) by claiming he stores booze like a pelican in a balloon in his throat, the court would have none of that. Instead, he was charged with driving while more than double the legal limit and sentenced to £600 (British for “$1,200”) and banned from driving for 18 months.
So, to recap: that’s one charge against alcohol (BOO!) and one against animals (YAY!).
Image: “Lunch Time” by Neil Gould.
In Alaska, wildlife is everywhere and the terrain is more untamed than tamed, so Alaska State Troopers are used to dealing with just about anything. However, let us not forget that animals are crafty, crafty creatures hellbent on destroying mankind.
One state trooper was driving along the road one night when something, later found to be a moose, fell from the sky. The moose narrowly missed the cop’s car, dying on impact with the ground. According to officials, the moose had fallen off a cliff above the road by accident.
This blog continues to be perplexed at Alaska’s cover-up attempt in what is clearly a kamikaze attack on the state’s finest. We all know the real story. As we learned earlier, stay away from moose at all costs.
(Suggested by many)