Fear the (sea) turtle

Turtles are a huge threat to our society. They can live for over 100 years, they eat whatever they want and some during their teen years become mutant ninjas. Of all turtles, it is the sea turtles that pose the biggest threat.

One leatherback turtle was recently tracked swimming from the shores of Indonesia to the coast of Oregon. The turtle was tracked a satellite tracking device, and scientists are saying it might be the longest migration of any animal with a backbone in the ocean. Basically, that means the sea turtle is the ICBM of the animal world.

What shocks this blog is the cowardice of the turtle. Rather than stand and fight like a man, your average turtle will either swim away or tuck itself into its shell. No wonder their bellies are yellow.

The war doesn’t end with death

It is this blog’s sad duty to report that actor Roy Scheider has passed. Scheider is probably the most celebrated film icon in the War on Animals for blowing the head off of a great white shark in Jaws.

The movie is largely credited with reminding people of the dangers in the ocean, where you can always see creatures approaching, especially if you are skinny dipping alone near a large buoy late at night. In our warrior hearts, Scheider will always be remembered for his immortal line as he fired the fatal shot, “Smile, you son of a b–[BOOM!]”

The hospital isn’t saying how Scheider died, but this blog has its own theories.

Speaking of death and animals, mourners at a London funeral were treated to a horrible sight, when horses pulling the deceased’s casket broke into a stampede. The carriage tipped over, bouncing the casket around and throwing flowers here and there.

The bumpy ride to eternal slumber finally ended at the cemetery, but many mourners were so upset they had to be restrained. As this blog always says: don’t let an animal do a job any machine could do. Machines haven’t attacked us–yet.

The dangerous moose

While the winter’s cold has relegated most enemy combatants to hibernate or attack only in the south, animals in the colder climates have managed to find ways of getting to us humans. In Vermont, a moose has taken up residence in one person’s back yard for several months.

Named Rocky, because Vermonters often mistake moose for flying squirrels and boxers, the moose has become something of a roadside attraction, because it will walk up to cars and greet the people inside–not with words, yet. This blog is extremely worried about this, because not only is the moose lulling people into a sense of trust, officials think it may have a brainworm disease, which this blog thinks it was sent to give to as many humans as moosely possible.

Aid and comfort to the enemy

What is it with German zoos lately? It seems every single cute baby animal story is coming to us from Germany these days, which surprises this blog. If one could pick one culture that seems to be more into torture than cuteness (aside from the U.S.) one would think German culture.

Last week, a tiger cub bit off more than it could chew and started choking on it. A zoo attendant panicked after dislodging the meat but the cub still wasn’t moving. That’s when a medical student gave the tiger cub mouth-to-mouth and ended up saving its life. TRAITOR! You had this one gift wrapped for you. You didn’t even have to kill the cub, just stand there. But no, instead you save the cub’s life so it can grow up and eat you one day.

No mar sonar

Of all the branches of the military, the U.S. Navy is probably the most finicky about just which side it is on in the War on Animals. This really makes no sense, seeing as how the military is supposed to help us fight wars, but nevertheless, there have been some issues with them in the past, including training dolphins and sea lions to protect the country’s shores, like we can really trust the enemy. The Navy has also roughed up yours truly when I tried to get onto the Naval Academy campus hunting a green pigeon.

Last month, President George Bush exempted the Navy from environmental protections, basically saying they could use their sonar whenever they want, even though traitors claim it kills whales–like that’s a bad thing. Before that, the issue had been bounced around in the federal courts. First the Navy could not use sonar because it might harm whales, then the courts said they could use sonar no matter what.

Now, the courts are saying Bush cannot take the steps necessary to keep our oceans free of mammals. That’s right, the Navy is back to no sonar mode. These liberal, critter-loving courts need to get their heads out of the sand and realize there is a war going on. If the courts had it their way, we wouldn’t be able to monitor our enemy’s mating calls, either!

The threat continues to grow

Animals are out there, we all know that. But despite our best efforts to put the ones we know about into extinction, we seem to keep finding new ones. Zoologists announced they have discovered a new mammal in Tanzania, which this blog thinks is somewhere near Australia.

The mammal is something like a shrew and is unusually large. This is bad news for us. When we discover new species, they are supposed to either be a) tasty or b) smaller than similar types. Larger animals only present larger threats because it gets harder to exterminate them using conventional weapons. To properly deal with this threat, this blog thinks it’s time Tanzania got a good, old-fashioned carpet bombing.

Also, paleontologists announced recently they found the fossils of an ancestor of the crocodile. The dinosaur lived in Brazil, likely because it enjoyed the Carnivale festivals. It had a long snout but lived on land. Luckily, the creature died out long ago and no longer poses a threat to us. Also, it is good to learn as much as you can about your enemy, and that includes its history. Hopefully we will discover some kind of weakness of the crocodile, or at least some really embarrassing dirt.

They want to slow our progress

All seems to be fairly quiet right now in the War on Animals. This may be caused by the cold weather, sending our foes into a dormant state, or in some cases, hibernation.

However, in the warmer climates it doesn’t appear to be cold enough for the enemy to stop the fight altogether. In Florida, 20,000 bats have made the underside of twin bridges their home. They are delaying the construction on Interstate 95. While this is probably a passive attempt at slowing down our progress, this does mark a possible change in strategy. They are now going after our infrastructure, we have seen some examples of this in the recent past.

Tech support can’t save Indian reptiles

If someone said to you, “I have a gharial,” you would probably ask if they needed to go to a hospital. However, a gharial is actually a rare crocodile-like reptile found in India, and as it turns out, they are the ones that need a hospital.

Over the weekend, about 50 gharials washed up dead and scientists in India are baffled at the moment. Meanwhile, animal lovers are worried about the animal, since there are an estimated 1,500 of them left in the wild.

This blog is read huge in India, approximately 0.001 percent of the population (4 million) read us there, so this blog has a feeling this was no “accidental” mass killing of a rare reptile. We would like to congratulate the brave warriors who have once again taken the fight back to the animals. Fifty down, 1,450 left to go!