A group of polar scientists were testing out a new method of drilling through layers of ice in the antarctic. When they dropped a camera deep into the dark waters, they were flabbergasted to discover a tiny orange crustacean. Shrimp live in the cold and freezing waters of the arctic.
The camera was mounted on a pole. The dark, scalloped ridges you seen in the ice are caused by the special drill the scientists used, which is essentially a jet of warm water that slowly melts the ice away. Once the camera had gone deep enough, they were startled to see this prawn frolicking around the camera – no one had expected any crustaceans beneath the ice in the dark, frozen waters of the antarctic.
Nowhere are we safe from these krilly little monsters. It’s time to reclaim two things that the animals are trying to take from us: the arctic waters and our hunger. Luckily, getting rid of these new found shrimp can solve both problems.
It’s all over, folks. There is nothing left to explore. There are no new wonders in the world to discover–at least when it comes to alcohol. And it’s all the New Zealand Antarctic Heritage Trust’s fault. (Side note: Is there an Old Zealand?)
The trust found the fabled lost whiskey of Sir Ernest Shackleton, which has been mellowing in the permafrost for a century. One can imagine it’s quite smooth at this point, more importantly, it was the booze of the famous explorer. Apparently the whiskey was sitting underneath Shackleton’s hut in Antarctica. The bottles were still in their boxes.
From what it sounds like, they’re not even planning to open them up and enjoy the liquor of a great man. What a waste. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am now a broken man
And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.
Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.
Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.
So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?
Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!
(Courtesy of Groonk)
Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!
Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.
“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.
Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!
Ever wonder what the 125 scientists at McMurdo base in Anartica do during the winter months when it’s too cold and dark for shipments to come in? They do the same thing you would do: get their freak on.
On one of the last deliveries of the season, 16,500 condoms were shipped to the base free of charge. The story is that they are shipped there and given out for free so people don’t have to be embarrassed buying them in such a small community. However, it should be obvious that with so many scientists running around, there is sure to be some chemistry.
We’ve mentioned the fifth columnists that would betray the War on Animals in this blog before. However, they have now taken over the media.
Animal Planet will run a new series called Whale Wars, which follows the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group of animal lovers that hinder the Japanese warriors who put whales to good use: powering lamps and curing erectile dysfunction.
We’re shocked at this staunch betrayal by Animal Planet. In the past, they’ve entertained us by forcing puppies to play in each others’ filth (Puppy Bowl) and with comedies like Animal Police. The latter shows police catching people who don’t know how to kill their pets and just let them starve.
It’s obvious there is a liberal bias in the media, but we must remain vigilant in the War on Animals. Those
traitors activists will thank us when they can leave Antarctica.
Antarctica, the Bizarro-world equivalent to our arctic circle, is getting out of hand. Not only does it refuse to submit to U.S. authority (and an Alaska II: Even Colder renaming), we have just learned that it is growing larger ocean animals to discourage an invasion.
“‘Gigantism is very common in Antarctic waters — we have collected huge worms, giant crustaceans and sea spiders the size of dinner plates,’ Australian scientist Martin Riddle, voyage leader on the research ship Aurora Australis, said on Tuesday.”
That’s right: Antarctica is violating our trust to build an unholy animal army. We have the chance to hit them now, before they threaten our very borders!
Our proposal is simple: control the growth of the icy continent as we have in the north, thin out the animal population and get those meddling scientists real jobs in the erectile pharmacology sector.