Even Americans’ brains getting fatter

University of Tennessee biological anthropologist Richard Jantz says you’re a fathead. Well, not really. But it’s definitely fatter than those of your ancestors.

After measuring the skulls of white Americans born between 1825 and 1985, Jantz found that their heads are at least 8 millimeters larger. Taking the entire circumference into account, that amounts to a tennis ball-sized extra helping of brain.

But, let’s not go crazy here, white supremacists. This isn’t to say that other races‘ heads aren’t growing, too, just that white people are typically the only ones who let scientists touch them after that whole Tuskegee experiment thing. This also explains how bigger brains don’t necessarily translate to higher intelligence.

The Niña, the Pinta and the — Santa María, that burns!

It’s been nearly 65 years since Alphonse “Scarface” Capone died in Alcatraz in the middle of a then-historic sentence of 11 years for tax evasion. It was the best authorities could do since they couldn’t convict him of the many murders, racketeering and bootlegging that had been attributed over the years. But, it looks like somebody dished out a little prison justice, sapping Capone’s physical and mental faculties with chronic syphilis. And that someone? Christopher Columbus.

Scientists believe they have found evidence that proves the controversial “discoverer” of the New Wyrlde also brought home a scorching case of the clap, then unknown in the Olde Wyrlde. It spread quickly from sailors in port towns because, well, that’s what they do earl-eye in the mornin’.

So, there you have it. Chris Columbus redeems himself the teensiest-tiniest bit, Al Capone dies embarrassingly of venereal disease and Native Americans get some revenge for those small pox blankets. Happy Friday? Happy Friday.