You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Bench press edition

Motto: "Not judging you, brah."
Motto: “Not judging you, brah.”

If there’s an example of the crumbling of our one-great labor unions, it’s the law enforcement unions out there. Cops used to have a pretty good deal going. They got decent pay, they had good insurance and they got to beat people up now and then. They could be as racist as they wanted to be, and if someone called them out on it, they just ignored it and kept on being morally bankrupt, dignity intact. But since the early 1990s, police officers get their feelings hurt if someone writes a mean song about them. Then they pout and complain and ask people to boycott the artist who criticized them. That’s what they’re doing with Beyoncé now because they don’t like that she suggested that police officers shouldn’t shoot unarmed black people. I know there are a lot of great cops out there, and probably most of them aren’t racist. But if you are a racist cop, own it. Don’t act like you’re not, hiding behind your buddies, denying there’s a problem. If you’ve made the choice not to grow as a person anymore, just come out and say it. Don’t whine every time someone says you’re not perfect. If you were busy in a Twitter war with the pope this week, odds are you missed it.

Supreme Court position proves to be death sentence once again
When Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died last weekend, politicians wanted to properly and soberly mourn the man’s passing by immediately telling President Barack Obama what to do. Democrats asked him to nominate a judge immediately, while many Republicans asked him not to nominate anyone. All 73 GOP presidential candidates shared this opinion because they want to nominate someone. Donald Trump said he would nominate his good friend Judge Judy, while Rep. Ted Cruz said he would nominate Judge Lance Ito to support diversity on the bench and because “that FX show is really cool.”

Data-collecting companies now defending privacy
This week, Apple said it would not comply with an FBI request to unlock the iPhones of the San Bernadino shooters, citing privacy concerns, and the fact that the terrorists are still dead. The move was praised by privacy advocates and criticized by those who want to see the investigation completed. In a letter explaining his company’s position, CEO Tim Cook suggested that the FBI instead set the iPhones’ date back to Jan. 1, 1970 and see what happens.

New musical overlords named
The 58th Grammys–or as the kids call them, The Grandmothers–were held on Sunday. Big winners included Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar, and the cast of Hamilton. I don’t really have any gags for this one, I just needed an excuse to write gag in the first line.

Murder most immoral

Rest assured, America: when it comes to murder, Justice Antonin Scalia is opposed to it on moral grounds.

Speaking at a Princeton seminar on Monday, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia argued that every state should have the right to make laws against behavior that its electorate deems immoral — like homosexuality. And to make his point, he made a very close, relevant comparison: murder.

Now, some of you out there might find that comparison appalling, but when you really think about it, how different is homosexuality from homicide? Same first three letters, for one. Also, one is a non-consensual act of physical intimacy between a man and the person he’s murdering, while the other one is icky in a buttsex sort of way.

So, aren’t we glad that Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act are on the high court’s 2013 docket?

12 Angry Haley Joel Osments

Despite two dissenting votes, the U.S. Supreme Court has definitively ruled that a jury can hear dead people.

Actually, they decided that a witness’s dying words are now admissible in court, which means attorneys finally have a case against those drapes that killed Oscar Wilde.

You Missed It: Sidearm edition

It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.

Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”

Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.

Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!

Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.