You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Take it from Snee: Bonaroo Book Report

This past weekend, I went deep undercover to investigate the unwashed underbelly of the patchoulingest music festival this side of Burning Man: Bonaroo.

So as not to arouse suspicion, I traveled in an assembled “hippie herd,” including a wife and another married couple. I disguised myself in a head bandanna and body odor.

What I uncovered shocked, entertained and disgusted me, often all at the same time. I witnessed both the glorious and ugliest sides of humanity. At times, I almost lost myself in the role, but after severe deprogramming with copious amounts of red meat, I return to bring you this report. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Bonaroo Book Report

Where do we sign up?

The cane toad invaded Australia long ago. Since then, the country has been at war with the large amphibian not because it is an animal, but because it destroys crops. These toxic toads also kill off wildlife that try to eat them.

The newest weapon in the battle appears to be a cat food can. Researchers found that leaving an open can of cat food near a pond where baby cane toads dwell attracts a meat-eating type of ant. The ants also happen to be immune to the toads’ toxins, and they can successfully eat the baby toads.

If we can use the animals against each other, we might just win this thing.

Key quote: “In one spot we tested, 98 percent of the baby toads were attacked within the first two minutes,” researcher Rick Shine told Reuters. “It was a bit like a massacre.”

Let hope this doesn’t transfer over to humans

Thanks to Max Brooks, the undead have not been much of an issue lately. That, unfortunately, comes to an end today. What’s worse, is that this is where the world of zombies and the War on Animals collide.

Science has discovered a fungus that affects carpenter ants in Thailand, because in Thailand, hookers aren’t the only thing with an infection. These ants normally live high up in the trees, but when the fungus infects them, it turns the ant into a zombie and makes it crawl down the tree, close to the ground. From there, it makes the ant find a nice leaf to attach itself.

Finally, the ant dies. But rather than becoming reanimated, it instead becomes a breeding ground for the fungus, which consumes its innards as it grows. Remember: aim for the head.

The family that stays together, takes over the world together

And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.

Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.

Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.

So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?

Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!

(Courtesy of Groonk)

Why We Fight: Ant feudalism

Or, ants are godless, sexless aristocratic dirt-mongers

It is a bleak world underground, slaving away for some feminazi despot, when you are an ant. Unless you’re one of the privileged one, born with a silver spoon between your mandibles, your entire life and income has been predetermined by an autocrat.

What we didn’t realize is that this also includes regulating your sex life.

Time reports that no ants are allowed to procreate unless they are the queen under penalty of death. Any ants caught procreating are executed for treason without title or little swap of antiseptic. The remains of God’s creatures, just trying to perform his will, are left in the open as a warning to all other ants.

This is why we fight, animal warriors. We must make the world save for democracy and picnics.

WoA: Power struggle

It has been said that whomever controls the skies controls the war. In the War on Animals, that would certainly be true, because our highly advanced passenger planes, cars and flyswatters can kill anything from birds to insects without remorse. That adage, however, does not apply to guerrilla (or gorilla) warfare.

First off: some good news and some bad news. The polar bear has just been added to the U.S. endangered species list. This is good because it means we are winning the fight but it also means it has just become a whole lot harder to kill these white devils. Coca-Cola could not be reached for comment.

And finally, The Guys don’t often make endorsements, especially of foreign powers, but we are here to say we support the King of Nepal. King Gyanendra (I, we assume) is almost out of options for keeping the throne. So what does he do? He turns to the Hindu goddess Kali (you remember her from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) and sacrifices animals to gain her favor. A buffalo, a goat, a lamb, a duck and a rooster were sacrificed in what should be an example for every world leader.