We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.
The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.
The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”
The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!
It is the year 2014. While we still don’t have our jet-packs, at least we can take comfort in the slow but eventual phasing out of some parts of life:
the travel atlas
One that is not gone, somehow, is America Online. Despite losing almost 10 percent of their customers per year, the scary thing is that the company still has customers, and not just that, but 2.4 million paying customers. That’s 2.4 million people who don’t know how the internet works. Or how money works. Can we get countrywide broadband put in already?
If you hadn’t noticed before, Facebook is reaching the end of its online life cycle. The social networking site’s new partnership with AOL seals the deal.
AOL has been back on the market since December 2009 after doing absolutely nothing for Time Warner for eight years. (Time Warner tried to get out of their obligation earlier, but AOL kept sending bills anyway.)
We’re calling it, folks. Facebook Internet time of death: February 11, 2010, 11:25 A.M.
Netscape Navigator, that 28.8 and 56K champion, died a sad and quiet death this past Saturday. It was unloved and unused for most of the past five years.
In its prime, Netscape was a browser chosen not for its proven ability and power, but for its visual design, making it the aesthetic winner of the mid-1990s, or as I like to call it, Web 0.7. If you ask them, many will remark that they haven’t used Netscape since their days in high school, running on that new Pentium-powered edition of Windows 95. I know that I can. A moment of silence, if you please …
… Now, if you’re not using Firefox, you’re a dummy. Get off of Internet Explorer already and get with the program, dumb-face.