Tag: app

App plays music to keep you on rhythm during sex

It’s happened to everyone: you’re putting on some music to set the mood, only to find out that your selection just doesn’t have the beat you’re going for. Bed Beats is here to make this slight inconvenience a thing of the past.

Bed Beats is an app that’s been around for a year or so, but is only getting press now. It plays a the genre of music that you want, at the tempo you want for getting it on. No more getting offbeat (or the other way around) in bed, which someone out there must think is an issue. But if you think Bed Beats is some clever app that selects songs you’ve heard of based on their tempos, you’re wrong. It just has a selection of beats from different genres of music, and you can make it play faster or slower.

This is also helpful if you like to rap while doing it.

In space, no one can hear you scream about roaming charges

Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer's June 1978 claim that we'll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.
Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer’s June 1978 claim that we’ll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.

Researchers from the University of Surrey launched a smartphone into orbit from India. They will then test the theory presented in the May 1979 issue of renown science journal, Poster for Alien, by Dr. Marketing Writer that “in space, no one can hear you scream.”

They’re using a smart phone application that was custom-designed by the Cambridge University Space Flight and is cryptically called the Scream in Space app. (Neither school has confirmed whether ice cream is involved.) When activated, it will play several pre-recorded screams, and then check to see if the phone’s receiver “hears” it.

Not only is this a landmark case for testing movie theories, but it will also be the first use of the voice feature on a smartphone since 2005.

Be sure to use a screen protector

Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.
Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.

When it comes to male genitalia, size matters. At least, it does during dick measuring contests. Or, according to the makers of a smart phone app that measures your penis, when selecting a properly sized condom.

Research by the American Sexual Health Association indicates that men who forgo wearing condoms during sex often do so because they don’t fit comfortably. This has contributed to, according to sex researchers from Indiana University, a misconception that condoms reduce sexual satisfaction in general. Ergo: using the Condom Size app from VSM Enterprises to properly appraise your penis should help you enjoy more pleasurable, safer sex.

It’s as easy as one-two-holding “your hard member straight against inches or centimeters on side screen,” and then using a piece of string for your girth measurements. (Well, that escalated rather quickly, didn’t it?)

Oh, and did we mention that you can then compare your results to men around the world to see how you measure up? So, even if you’re not conventionally big in America, you could still be huge in South and North Korea, the two countries tied for smallest on average.

[Special thanks to Jenna B. for the link!]

Siri is … NOT the father!

"Your peak fertility date is ... January ... 12 ... 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?"
“Your peak fertility date is … January … 12 … 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?”

Hello, SeriouslyLadies! How are those resolutions coming? You know: losing some pounds, quitting smoking, dressing more like Rizzo to finally land Danny or maybe even — dare we say — having a baby?

If you’re not pregnant, yet, don’t worry. There’s an app for that. (SeriouslyGuys: bringing back 2008’s punchlines for 2013!)

Ovuline isn’t your grandma’s ovulation calendar app. It also asks you deeply personal questions about your mood, weight, calorie intake, blood pressure and cervical mucous. We’re not sure how your phone takes these measurements, but we’re positive that you won’t have to worry about your man spying on your phone while you go take a dump. Er, freshen up.

Will you be enemies with us?

Friends are great and all, but if Facebook is useful for anything, it’s for keeping tabs on exes and enemies. To date, the social networking site has not been eager to support that effort, refusing to issue dislike buttons and increasing privacy settings to foil our reconnaissance.

One app developer, however, is trying to change that. Dean Terry of the University of Texas at Dallas has created EnemyGraph, an app that allows users to mutually declare each other enemies and presumably update you when new pictures indicate they’ve gained weight. You’ll have to hurry, though, because Terry believes Facebook will pull the app in a matter of weeks.

So, in the meantime, will you be our enemy? For all of our crimefighting and adventuring, The Guys are seriously lacking in the nemeses department.

Guess what the ringtone is

Dummmm-dum. Dummmm-dum.

And now, the greatest tracker of the sea is the Apple-equipped human. Michael Domeier, host of “Shark Men,” has created an app for the iPhone and iPad that can track tagged great white sharks in real time. And baby, there are a lot of tagged great white sharks.

Well, not really. Currently, there are only 20-22 sharks that have been tagged, but each one was personally tagged by Domeier, and he’s not stopping anytime soon. Safety can now be bought for less than 4 dollars. Even better, the ability to destroy one of our greatest enemies can be had for less than 4 dollars.

Maaaaaybe there shouldn’t be an app for that

Apple’s been under a lot of fire recently. First, they get sued by one company; then, they decide to sue another company. It’s just not roses in Cupertino at the moment. It’s okay though, as they’ve got something to solve, at the very least, your problems as theirs are a bit more difficult.

Are you gay? Do you have an iPhone? Do you not want to be gay anymore?

Then friend, Apple’s got the app for you! Now, mind you, the creators of the app are completely within their rights to make it. On the other hand, nnnnnnnnnnnh.

Take it from Snee: The ‘i’ is for ‘indecency’

Second hottest. (Yes, I'm aware that she's dead.)(Updated 26 June 2009 below!)

There was a brief dust-up in the iPhone world today. I’d mention that it affected the iPod Touch, but have only seen these mythological non-3G beasts in Apple Stores. Apple finally approved the development and sale of adult-oriented apps in the iTunes store.

The first app to get greenlit is “Hottest Girls,” which apparently shows you naked women of the “hottest” variety. I haven’t downloaded it, yet, but my definition of “hottest” is pregnant transsexual quadruple amputees sitting in dietary breakfast shakes, so we’ll see if there’s a lawsuit for false advertising in that developer’s future.

Unfortunately, I can’t test it out. Apple pulled the app after mere hours of approving it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The ‘i’ is for ‘indecency’