Take it from Snee: The ‘i’ is for ‘indecency’

Second hottest. (Yes, I'm aware that she's dead.)(Updated 26 June 2009 below!)

There was a brief dust-up in the iPhone world today. I’d mention that it affected the iPod Touch, but have only seen these mythological non-3G beasts in Apple Stores. Apple finally approved the development and sale of adult-oriented apps in the iTunes store.

The first app to get greenlit is “Hottest Girls,” which apparently shows you naked women of the “hottest” variety. I haven’t downloaded it, yet, but my definition of “hottest” is pregnant transsexual quadruple amputees sitting in dietary breakfast shakes, so we’ll see if there’s a lawsuit for false advertising in that developer’s future.

Unfortunately, I can’t test it out. Apple pulled the app after mere hours of approving it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The ‘i’ is for ‘indecency’

Text 4265 to report an ebola outbreak

Softbank and Aoyama Gakuin University know the Japanese. Probably because they are Japanese. They know that the Japanese use their phones for everything: mail, gaming, banking, oh, and sometimes phone calls. They also know what the Japanese may use their phones for: tracking disease.

A group of 1,000 students will be given iPhones (luckiest students ever says this 3G model user), and their attendance will be tracked via GPS. A few months from now, some of these students will be hit with a virtual disease. Given the nature of Japan, a virtual form of swine flu would hilariously ironic. Following this, their movements will be tracked via GPS to determine which children have crossed paths. The families of exposed students will be notified via cell phone messages with instructions on how to get them checked out by doctors.

Softbank throws out this situation: if one person were to spread their disease to three people a day, by the 10th day, 60,000 people would carry the disease. But, in contrast, if that interaction is limited to two people a day, only 1,500 would be carriers of the disease. Knowing who has what would surely go a longer way towards preventing an epidemic than those silly face masks.

You know what knowing also is? Half the battle.

Take it from Snee: More like ‘Star Wreck’ (Amiright?)

So, there’s a new Star Trek movie coming out. Some critics are saying that it’s awesome or something.

I don’t care. You know why?

Of course you do: I’m against this movie. Continue reading Take it from Snee: More like ‘Star Wreck’ (Amiright?)

You Missed It: Has it been eight years already? edition

Much of the U.S. is in a cold snap right now, with wind chills dipping across the continent to less than 0 degrees Fahrenheit. This has taken the country completely off guard because it’s winter time, which means temperatures in the 30s followed by days in the 60s. Remember though, global warming is a myth those hippies are selling. Don’t buy it. If you were taking an unexpected dip in the Hudson River this week, odds are you missed it.

No more Bush
President George Bush (who somehow dropped the W. in news references in late 2001) gave his last press briefing this week, one in which he outlined his presidency, and for the first time in the White House (though he has admitted to it many times in press interviews the past few months) that he regrets the “Mission Accomplished” sign. That was one of the big ones. OK, we get that one, but there were a few other biguns in there. If only I could remember two dozen or so.

The application Steve Jobs has unexpectedly quit
Citing health reasons, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said he would temporarily step down from his position. Jobs is credited with growing the company to roughly four or five times the size it was in the first part of the decade. He credits the success to hard work, innovation and an unending ad campaign conditioning the masses to pay exorbitant amounts of cash for something cool. Jobs claims health problems as his reason to step down, but really it’s just that he wants to use a computer that actually closes a program when you “X out” of it.

Did it just get warmer in here?
In FOX’s long, long battle on our eardrums, the latest season of American Idol debuted this week. The opening episodes are usually fun because you can watch the people who really, really suck act like they don’t know it already and are just trying to get themselves on television so they can promote their Web site. But one surprise contestant sang and stripped. Casey Carlson apparently can not only sing a few bars, she can also model bikinis with the best of them. She showed off both talents during his audition. Randy was the only one who cared.

The iPhone is the most deadly gateway drug of them all

UK tabloid The Daily Star reports that Amy Packard has been comatose for seven years following her decision to screw around with heroin. Amy’s mother Thelma wants Underworld, the newly renamed Drug Lords game for the iPhone, abolished.

“My daughter’s life has been ruined by drugs,” protests Thelma. “If this game is allowed to come out, impressionable kids will play it and Amy’s mistake will be repeated over and over again. Youngsters like Amy are exactly the people who download and play games like this on their mobiles.

Drugs can be, and ultimately are, bad. There’s no argument in the world against that. What’s just as bad, though? The “I was personally affected by this, hence I want it banned” attitude. Wanting to ban something you’re personally upset by is far more offensive than the source material itself. If parents want to give iPhones to their possibly already spoiled children and let them run around unchecked, they’re asking for trouble.

Note: Source link might be considered Not Safe For Work, simply based ads depicting scantily-clad women-folk and how open your employer is to that concept.

Rich virgin boys to run from Switzerland to Apple’s open arms

The Swiss government is working hard to protect children from the evils of pornography … by banning pornography on all mobile devices. Why is a general ban necessary? Why, because if anyone’s allowed to get mobile porn, those crafty teenagers will find a way to get their hands on it! Totally sound logic all around–until, of course, you get the urge to watch highlights from the Swiss women’s Olympic volleyball team. Won’t someone stop thinking of the children and begin to think of the parents?

But wait–we’re not done with perverted cellphone news quite yet.

As if you couldn’t see enough actual boobs on your iPhone, some genius nerd geek virgin scary Japanese programmer Machead has created an application that actually allows you to touch and fondle them!

Or, maybe, just the outline of a boob, that is.

OK, so maybe it’s just a line.

But still: it’s a boob! And even if a bouncy little blob that responds to fingertip touch but lacks any definable features of a real breast gets less interesting the more you play with it, it’s wonderful to know that boob physics are alive and well—as are the stunning lengths that Apple fanboys will go to in order to grope a hot rack. No matter how digital it may be. And, since, in theory, it’s an application, that means that it’s free. Will the Swiss government put the kibosh on one of the hottest selling phones in the world (and by world, I mean the United States)?

Comparing apples and Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii

Ever get sick of those ridiculous celebrity baby names? It started with Apple, now we’ve moved on to baby Suri, and the possibility of Matthew “Bongos” McConaughey naming his son after the European beer, Bud. Well one New Zealand judge has had enough, and finally decided to start killing off idiot celbs take matters in to his own hands/court.

Rob Murfitt has legally made an area couple change their daughter’s name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. While the girl’s new name has not been released, speculations of Dora The Explorer and Debbie Does Dallas are floating around.

Tiny phone big in Japan no longer

Fun fact:

Did you know that every time you snap a picture on the Japanese version of the iPhone 3G it will make an audible “shutter click” noise that you can’t turn off, even when the phone is on silent mode? Why? So upskirt perverts can’t do their dirty work undetected!

OK, actually, almost all new phones in Japan are supposed to do this … which is slightly disturbing. The only things that can make this situation better are:

  • the entire voyeur industry to come together to sue Apple, Nokia, Motorola and so forth for interfering with their right to profit.
  • someone invents EMP underwear.
  • Japan gets a clue and stops becoming so weird that these limitations need to be implemented.