Despite all his rage, the shark is no longer in a cage

The Guys don’t think it’s too much of a grasp to call an aquarium in a shopping mall ludicrous, or at the very least, gratuitous. Sure, we all like to see the prisoners of war in the conflict that we humans are involved in, but it just seems a bit … extravagant to have a glass cage filled with sea animals while you shop for the latest fashions.

But Shanghai is a different country containing their own excesses. Unfortunately, excesses sometimes have a limit. An aquarium located in a Shanghai mall burst, the six inch thick glass containing turtles, fish and lemon sharks breaking and sending its contents out onto the floor, but first into innocent bystanders (link contains an auto-playing video). Some citizens were injured, but no one died.

12-27-12: Never Forget.

I love it when a plan comes together

Sometimes, it’s the small things in life that help out the most.

An aquarium in the United Kingdom is being besieged by the very thing it’s supposed to protect-animals. DUM, DUM DUM DUM.

A coral reef exhibit has been found mysteriously destroyed, and in some cases, split right in half. Aquarium employees have been left utterly dumbfounded as to what could possibly be the source behind the destruction up until recently, when they discovered the culprit. The vandal was a mild-mannered worm.

Oh, and by mild-mannered, I mean nightmare fuel.

Why so nightmare fuel? It’s a polychaete worm. A four foot long polychaete worm. With jaws that snap and slice at an alarmingly fast speed and covered in sharp bristles that can permanently numb a human and the ability to digest hooks. The nickname for the polychaete worm? The “bobbit worm.” Oh, and polychaete worms have the ability to breath on land as well if need be. Have fun sleeping at night.

Do you see, nature? Do you see what happens when you allow monsters to be created? They attack everything. Congratulations on dooming everyone.


Imagine what a big one could do

There are few animals we have warned you about more than octopi. They are intelligent, dangerous creatures who are the most likely to cause us harm because no one suspects the threat they pose.

We now take you to an aquarium in Santa Monica, where a single octopus lead an attempted jailbreak, in doing so caused a lot of damage. The octopus, despite its small size, pulled on a valve in its tank, letting in hundreds of gallons into its tank and causing it to overflow. The good news is that no sea prisoners at the aquarium escaped, the bad news is that none were killed, either.

Furthermore, the salt water, which ended up being an inch or two deep throughout the building, damaged some newly-installed cork flooring. Wait — you install cork, which can be damaged by water, in an aquarium?

The dead hate the swimming

Dear Britain:

You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!

At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:

  1. The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
  2. The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.

Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.


Chris “Chugs” Taylor

(Story courtesy of Adrienne)