We’re not even safe in the arctic

A group of polar scientists were testing out a new method of drilling through layers of ice in the antarctic. When they dropped a camera deep into the dark waters, they were flabbergasted to discover a tiny orange crustacean. Shrimp live in the cold and freezing waters of the arctic.

The camera was mounted on a pole. The dark, scalloped ridges you seen in the ice are caused by the special drill the scientists used, which is essentially a jet of warm water that slowly melts the ice away. Once the camera had gone deep enough, they were startled to see this prawn frolicking around the camera – no one had expected any crustaceans beneath the ice in the dark, frozen waters of the antarctic.

Nowhere are we safe from these krilly little monsters. It’s time to reclaim two things that the animals are trying to take from us: the arctic waters and our hunger. Luckily, getting rid of these new found shrimp can solve both problems.

More polar bears agree: polar bears taste good

Though they may have tried to invade our nation’s capital, our enemy the polar bear is getting very desperate. They are so desperate that they are turning to cannibalism in order to stay alive.  This is good news for us, because it means our foes are smiting each other for us, which saves us a lot of valuable resources.

Why are the polar bears eating each other? Hippie scientists say it is being caused by the lack of ice in the Arctic. Apparently these bears are too ignorant to understand that there is nothing to eat in an area covered by snow and surrounded by water. Stubbornly, they refuse to move south, but that just means we have less to deal with.

A side note should go out to a man in California, who took the battle to the enemy this week when he put dead cats and dogs in the lockers of animal sympathizers at a local high school. That oughta shut ’em up!