You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

The Chronicles of Argentina: The Voyage of the H.M.S. Dauntless

Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.

The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.

Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.

The Chronicles of Argentina

As everyone knows, we’re at war. We’re at war with animals, drugs, poverty, uncomfortable feelings and religions we don’t agree with. But, we’re allies, so that means we’re also at war with anyone they’re rattling sabres at.

Notice the British spelling of “sabers” above? That’s because it’s time to kick some spicy Argentine ass for the Falkland Islands again!

It may sound grotesque to cheerlead for war, but it’s the Falklands! Princes will go to battle in a magical world where toilets flow backwards and puffins dot the landscape. If the Brits filmed this with children and Shakespearean actors, you’d Fandango tickets this very instant.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to write ourselves into some Falkland fan-fiction as invaluable American assistance.

The institution of marriage

"Thank God I'll never have to go back to beautiful Argentina ever again."The one question on everyone’s mind after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return from Argentina was, “When’s the divorce?” On June 24, Gov. Sanford even said that he and his wife were “effectively separated.”

And then Jenny Sanford realized how to really punish him in the time-honored political way: they’ve been working on their marriage for the past seven weeks and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. (Read: the rest of his life.)

It may be cheaper to keep her, but not when you’re paying for counseling, gifts and trips to exotic locations to get over that Argentine Retreat.

The family that stays together, takes over the world together

And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.

Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.

Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.

So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?

Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!

(Courtesy of Groonk)

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

Don’t cry for him, Charleston

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is back from his trip to the grocery store for smokes the Appalachian Trail the South American country of Argentina … wait, what?

That’s right: he was out of the country. No calls, no giving the Lt. Govenor the comm, not even telling his wife where he was going. He just picked up and Thelma and Louised it down to where the toilets flush backwards.

There are several fascinating aspects to this story:

  • His wife reportedly did not know where he was, preferring to stay home with the children. This has to be the most trusting marriage in America.
  • He went to Argentina. The only things Argentina is known for are Eva Peron and hidden Nazi war criminals. It’d be irresponsible to suggest he was unwinding by drinking schnapps out of Evita’s skull, so we’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • He came home “early.” He actually planned to stay out for an entire week. For fun, try going on an unannounced weeklong vacation from work without answering your boss’ calls. If you’re still employed, you must have been elected. By morons.
  • This is all because the S.C. legislature forced him to accept Federal Stimulus funds. This may be the most outrageous passive-aggressive tantrum thrown by a S.C. elected official since 1860 when State House Senator Aloicious Sharpe wrote a terse letter to Union troops stationed at Fort Sumter and did not sign it cordially.

Update: Oh, it was about a woman. Why not just say that in the first place? This could be as good for the Republican Party as that Catholic priest caught having sex with a woman.