Tag: arizona

It was this or become Cardinals fans

"On National Day of the Cowboy, we ask that you, regardless of religious or team affiliation, remove your hat before asking sympathetically, 'How 'bout dem Cowboys?'"
“On National Day of the Cowboy, we ask that you — regardless of religious or team affiliation — remove your hat before asking sympathetically, ‘How ’bout dem Cowboys?'”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed into a law a holiday commemorating cowboys, saying that the American Southwest will never forget what a great team they were and could have been had they not signed Tony Romo for another six years.

“These men and women — of all races and backgrounds — are among the truest symbols of the American southwest,” Gov. Brewer said of Dallas fans, the largest and most annoying fan base in pro-football. “Even they deserve better than this.”

The holiday will take place on the fourth Saturday every July, or shortly before the Hall of Fame Game in which Romo will disappointingly kickoff the NFL preseason this year. In solidarity with Dallas’ salary cap, it will be an unpaid holiday.

Now gun stores are violating our gun rights

"We prefer a hunch to research."
“We prefer a hunch over research.”

The battle over guns is getting so bad that even Mark Kelly’s 2nd Amendment rights are being violated.

The husband of former Rep. Gabby Giffords and former astronaut legally purchased an Sig Sauer M400 5.56mm rifle from Diamondback Police Supply in Tucson, Arizona earlier this month, and after taking some time to cool down during the waiting period, the gun store announced it would not sell Kelly the rifle, and not because it wouldn’t work in space.

 “While I support and respect Mark Kelly’s 2nd Amendment rights to purchase, possess, and use firearms in a safe and responsible manner, his recent statements to the media made it clear that his intent … was for reasons other then [sic] for his personal use. In light of this fact, I determined that it was in my company’s best interest to terminate this transaction prior to his returning to my store to complete the Federal From 4473 and NICS background check required of Mr. Kelly before he could take possession this firearm.”

–Douglas MacKinlay, owner of Diamondback Police Supply

So MacKinlay says he believes in Kelly’s right to bear arms, but named no legal reasoning to terminate the sale. He just didn’t want Kelly’s business after learning a bit more about him and what he believes in. Getting to know someone’s background and history a bit before completing a sale, why that sounds exactly like what the gun lobby is fighting against.

Kelly hasn’t reacted publicly to the news just yet, but we do know that he did go off and break up a dog-sea lion fight–unarmed.

Song now corrected to state botulism is the sweetest thing in the world

There are many, many, MANY reasons why someone should not drink prison booze. The most prevalent one should be that putting something in your body called ‘toilet wine’ cannot end well. Along with this are the questionable ingredients, the manner in which it’s made, and oh yeah, once again, it’s called ‘toilet wine.’

Nonetheless, if you need another reason, let me give one very legitimate one: botulism.

That’s right, the poison that’s also put into your eyebrows was potentially found in seven inmates in Arizona thanks to the homemade hooch that was made in a cell. The CDC has released the anti-toxin to the prison, but people, if it’s not sealed, just don’t drink it.

If only there were a way to quickly convey a message on transportation …

The Arizona Department of Transportation has a problem: a population that lacks haboob awareness. They want to encourage drivers to pull over and let the infamous dust storms (What did you think a haboob is?) pass.

Fortunately, Arizona knows the secret to learning and retaining new facts: haikus. You know, like when you had to remember the order of the planets and your teacher taught you the Planet Order Haiku?

Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,
Neptune and Pluto.

See? Way easier to remember than the individual names of the planets and their position in the solar system.

It’s drunk driving while being driven

Scottsdale is not exactly a town known for sports, but we here at SG can’t help but fully support this endeavor. A business that can help jump-start the economy while getting you sloshed, Tour de Tavern is a roving bike seating 16 people that not only gets its patrons from one location to another in town, but it also gives you an adventure that you can tell people about it (if you can remember the night, that is).

“We start and stop right back here at The Lodge and everyone winds up back at their vehicle,” [co-founder Peter] Drubin said. He added if you’re too tipsy to drive, they have a partnership with a nearby hotel to get you a deal. And you can’t “bring your own beer” – yet.

A taxi service that doesn’t smell, provides safety to its occupants, is incredibly cheap, stimulates the economy, is green AND is done in the name of booze-a-hol? This business needs to go national.

Cheer not just for curing seasonal affective disorder anymore

As we reported earlier this week, some people are experiencing “pink fatigue” — as in wanting to cure breast cancer so badly if it means the Komen people will just go the f%@k away. And, like last year, schools are feeling it the most.

Gilbert High School in Arizona will not allow their cheerleading squad to wear their pink breast cancer awareness t-shirts to football games. It’s not because the shirts would cover more of their adolescent bodies than their uniforms or because the school has secretly funded Big Tumor for decades, but because the shirts say, “Feel for lumps, save your bumps.”

The team is arguing that the school has overreacted as, according to 17-year-old Varsity cheerleader Natalie Skowronek, “We’re not saying anything a doctor wouldn’t say.”

Among other things that Natalie’s doctor says:

  • “Check your ding for bumps and things.”
  • “If the smear is clear, then for your pap we cheer.”
  • “Stick a finger in your hiney, keep your prostate clean and shiny.”

Seriously, though, Natalie’s mom, Gayleen? It might be time to shop for a new doctor for Natalie.

Animals label us crime, decide to take MacGruff’s advice

I don’t want to worry you too much, but the revolution might be upon us.

It’s not my intent  to alarm you all, but I only speak to you what circumstances might have brought. We’re currently seeing attacks from the tip top of the country in Minnesota to the lowly parts of the country in Arizona. It’s horrible. First, a bat attacked a 5 year old girl. Five. Years. Old. She can’t defend herself! Worse still, it happened in a Walmart, arguably our nation’s greatest contribution to capitalism. This is an affront to our country!

And yet, the evidence of a coordinated attack still looms. In Tempe, Arizona, a woman at a business center went out for a break. She’s earned it and she’s going to spend it with a nice, relaxing smoke to get her nerves back. If only. You see, the poor woman was attacked by a javelina (it’s an overgrown, furry pig) on her break. She now has to be treated for rabies. Potentially, that might consist of 13 shots that she has to take. That pig owes her 15 minutes of her life back.

Despite all this, I do have good news to report. A giant and terribly humongous (at least, in comparison to me) boa was captured, after being on the loose for who knows how long in Albuquerque. That’s one monster that’s been put back into its cage. It’s not all pretty out there in the world, but at least we know that some creatures aren’t out there trying to eat us. For now.

OUTRAGE! DISBELIEF! CAPITALIZED WORDS!

A nearly two year old baby jaguar has bad teeth. In the wild, that’s called the natural order of things. If the creature’s eaten, the creature’s eaten. That would do a fine job of teaching it to be born with better teeth. Bleeding heart biologists are always clamoring about how we should leave animals the way that they are and not upset the gentle and delicate order of nature, so that’s what was done, right?

Wrong.

Four vets (the species traitors of the medical world) performed surgery that fixed the problem. Which is just dandy. There are children in the world that have serious dental problems, both functional and aesthetic, but rather than pooling our time and knowledge together for those, we instead get to help out an animal. Jerks.

In happier news, a man performing free running in the early morning hours in Tempe fell and suffered a life-threatening head injury. Why is this happier news, you may ask? This aids in proving that social darwinism, while not doing a fine enough job on the Kardashians and Lohans of the world (which are the Kardashians and Lohans), does exist.

This is what pro-lifers actually believe

The abortion debate is no simple matter. Both sides present a nuanced morality in which the lives of women, and the babies that poop inside of them, are fraught with trauma and heartbreak … at least until yesterday.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed a bill Tuesday that makes it a felony for doctors to perform an abortion for a mother that does not want her child based on race or gender. It’s the first law of its kind according to state legislators, to whom we say finally!

It’s a proven statistic that parents who just loves themselves some abortion and only want one boy and one girl will abort the rest until they achieve it. That’s where the “2.5 kids” average comes from: the half is actually the assembled parts of all the fetuses that didn’t make the cut.

And, of course, it’s high time we put an end to racist mothers who clearly had sex with someone of another race.

Remember: if you’re not for this bill, then you are a racist, sexist hate criminal.

We’re milkin’ it

For at least the first six years of The Guys’ lives, we were breastfed. When we were kicked off the teat habit, we picked up drinking, which probably says all sorts of Freudian things about us.

So, we get it when mothers want to breastfeed wherever and whenever it’s necessary. We could really kick over some store displays when we went into withdrawal. (The shakes can really boost the force behind a toddler’s weight.)

But, in McDonald’s? Really?

“Most critics said they feel nursing should be a private thing between a mother and her child, to which one nurse-in mother said, ‘Do you want me to take my baby into a dirty bathroom stall?’“

Lady, look around. You’re in a McDonald’s. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the floors in the bathroom or the dining room. And you can get crabs from either’s seating.