Tag: arizona

Liberals are from Venus, conservatives from France

One of the biggest ongoing political debates in this country is that of immigrants, their legal status and whether they are responsible for crime.

The side portrayed by Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer and her supporters is that illegal Mexicans and other illegal Latin American immigrants have turned her state into “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.”

In response, it’s time to crack down on anyone suspicious, whether they worship a funny invisible god with an aversion to caricature artists, or they refuse to wear their immigration papers on their necks with their rabies licenses.

After all, when you’re in America, you better damn well act like a French president?

Who would’ve thought heat was hot?

Imagine this, if you will: you live in Arizona. In July. As such, it tends to be very warm, to say the least, and more along the lines of pretty hot. As such, one would expect to take precautions if you’re leaving the house.

Not if you’re James Wankel. He’s a man, he won’t take any guff from the weather and he needs to see that mailman now. Of course, James is also 78 years old. This means that he’ll probably need to put some extra protection on if he’s going outside, just in case.

Except, he really needs to see that mailman now. Well James, don’t be surprised that you get second degree burns if step on a hot Arizona street in the middle of July. Just an FYI.

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

Afghanistan
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

Iraq
After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Arizona kills Home EKKKonomics classes

In yet another reactionary move against an imagined enemy, Arizona has passed a new bill, this time to ban “schools from teaching classes that are designed for students of a particular ethnic group, promote resentment or advocate ethnic solidarity over treating pupils as individuals.”

So, that should remove the following classes from Arizona schools:

1) Any language class. English? Spanish? French? They all sound like an insidious attempt to change the way we think, starting with the voice in our heads. Plus, we all know that the native speakers typically take these courses because they’re an easy A … well, except English.

2) American History. Oh, so we’re only going to learn about Americans, eh? Let’s look at the section on World War II–just as we thought! Anti-Nazi biases! And just where are the sections about famous Asian-American philosophers?

3) Lunch. The spice levels of cafeteria food are clearly set for a Caucasian digestive tract.

4) Physical Education. We’re OK with keeping PE if they don’t teach basketball. Or baseball. Or soccer. Basically, they just need to teach non-team sports that the white kids can excel at while encouraging their individuality.

Arizona: where passing unenforceable laws is OK, so long as they can convince Mexicans to move along.

Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Hey, kidz! It’s been awhile since the court allowed us to run one of our Kidz Korner features, which is so very, very whack. But, we’re back, so it’s time for us to talk–no grown-ups allowed.

If you’re a student in Arizona, then you might have noticed your mommies and daddies frothing at the mouth a bit, especially if they’re European-Americans. It may seem a little crazy or wrong, especially when they’re trying to get rid of your Mexican-American teachers and students.

Just make sure you know that it’s not racist. Continue reading Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

SeriouslyGuyCott: Arizona

In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.

That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.

We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:

  • Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
  • AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
  • The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
  • Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
  • John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.

At least they didn’t learn how to use a condom

We tie the elastic in the back to make ours look like footlongs.School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.

To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.

In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)

Western technology at work for traditional values

Better known as Bon Jovi Disease.Look, we’re not condoning attempting to kill your children because they’ve grown “too Westernized.” In fact, we’re taking the hard line here and saying we’re against it: attacking your kids to uphold your ideology is wrong. (There, we said it.)

But … if you’re going to do it, wouldn’t it make a stronger message if your method doesn’t involve a Jeep?

Seriously, we can see you hauling a bunch of rocks to throw at her with it, maybe even rigging it with explosives, but letting the rubber meet the road? Maybe she learned it by watching you, dad.

The meter is still running

In less Metropolitan areas, one tends to believe there are no cab drivers. In Phoenix, not only are there cab drivers, but those cab drivers want to give you their organs.

A woman who was often driven to dialysis treatments by a cab driver was offered a kidney from her chauffer recently. If someone came up to you and offered an organ, would you really accept it? As it turns out, the cabby’s kidney is a very close match. Thus saving the woman’s life. The kidney is reported to smell like one of those pine tree air fresheners.

See? We don’t always get all “world is ending” on you.

Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls

Officially past the quarter mark of the 2008 MLB season and we’ve had some surprises, some things we’ve expected and the last place Yankees. We’re going to size up the top teams in each league, then give you the one team to look out for. Us in the sporting world call this the “wild card,” look it up.

AL East
At 31-20 the newly christened Tampa Bay Rays have the best percentage mark thus far. I really like the Rays, their young talent is spry and standing tall like a seasoned porn vet. The longevity of this club to sustain season-long success isn’t going to hold though. It’s going flop like Ron Jeremy staring down a donkey. Don’t expect the Yankees to finish in the cellar, but don’t expect them to beat out Boston or Tampa either. The Rays’ pitching will falter down the stretch, and look for the Sox to take the crown, but the Rays in the wild card. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Quarterly calls