Elvis lives, and he’s running as a Libertarian

Celebrities these days are so political.

Because it’s 2018, and there is no such thing as politics as usual anymore, there is a man named Elvis Presley running for Congress. Of course there is.

Decades ago, Elvis Presley made it big not only because he co-opted rhythm and blues and made it white, but because he was the first white guy in recorded history to shake his hips. Today, Elvis A. Presley, an Elvis impersonator who changed his name, is running for one of Arkansas’ seats in the House of Representatives. He is running as a Libertarian, challenging Rep. Rick Crawford, R-Ark.

We hope to see Presley on the Capitol Hill next year, if only to see him order a peanut butter and banana sandwich during an all-night session.

No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

There’s nothing like biting the hand that feeds you

We don’t like animals, and if you haven’t figured it by now, they don’t like us either. Nonetheless, even if we keep them as prisoners of war, but still adhere to the Geneva’ish Convention, the monsters still manage to screw up that relationship.

Take Jason Wiles of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Some might say that he was tempting fate by having many venomous snakes on his property. We like to think of him as a hardened warden. Like many felons, a green mamba decided to tempt fate and its work release program, biting Wiles. This could have been potentially deadly as green mambas are known for being one of the most deadly snakes in the world. Luckily, it was apparently a “dry bite,” and Wiles beat the odds.

However, the green mamba apparently didn’t know that we humans have a zero tolerance policy. It and the many deadly snakes on Wiles’ property were rounded up and taken out like the dirty animals that they are. Maybe word will spread out about this “example.”

Flowers: serious business.

Are you in love? Does he or she know? Well, whatever you do about it, for the love of God, don’t buy them flowers.

Flowers, or plant genitals, have long been part of human custom: weddings, birthdays, apologies and funerals. And funerals is just what posies have in mind when they spontaneously combust (i.e., terror explode) and cause $20,000 worth of damage to an Arkansas home.

The whole incident could have been avoided had the Duncans re-potted or even just watered their plant, but the United States does not negotiate with amaranths.

Virginia is for pedophilic gamers

Who knew that chatting up 13-year olds via Xbox Live then asking them for naked photos would be so frowned upon? What’s that you say? Anyone with a shred of common sense? What’s also that you say? We did very early on in our SG career? That’s right, we did.

One man who learned that lesson the hard way was 24 year old Portsmouth, Virginia resident Ryan Edwin Donker. Donker, whose very last name might even be considered inappropriate for those underage, admitted to police that he had asked for naked photos of an Xbox Live user from Fayetteville, Arkansas. He was arrested, extradited to Arkansas, charged with a felony and held on $20,000 bond.

The Fayetteville Police Department recorded multiple Xbox Live conversations between Donker and the boy following the first incident.

According to reports from the Northwest Arkansas Times, Donker told police that requests for naked pictures from the boy were a “joke.” Right. Whatever you say, Donker.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Virginia, sometimes you make me want to live in another state.

Forethought is the mother of accidental porn

Good idea: Keeping a hold on your phone, especially if you’re grabbing fast food and it has a camera on it. An Arkansas couple ended up as accidental porn-stars after losing a phone at McDonald’s. Now they want to end up as accidental millionaires.

Better idea: Just opt to not eat at McDonald’s.Ever.

Fish attacks teen

Folks, you don’t have to be in the water to be in danger when you’re out on a lake. Sure, it may seem like the only danger is beneath the surface, but a teen in Arkansas found out otherwise.

Seth Russell is 15, he apparently enjoys the outdoors. For that, our enemies saw fit to attack young Seth. He was on an inner tube being towed by a boat, when out of nowhere, a big fish, suspected of being a silver Asian carp, jumped out of the water and hit him in the face, knocking him unconscious and breaking his jaw.

“He doesn’t remember anything at all,” the boy’s mother, Linda Russell, said last week. “He was laughing, and the next thing he remembers, he is waking in a hospital.”

Just plain horrible.

And apparently, this species of carp is hitting people left and right. This means that we need to go after these (Arkans)Asian fish and have us some sushi. Revenge, after all, is a dish best served cold, raw and wrapped in seaweed.

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.

Arkansas toddlers no longer enjoy freedom to marry

In another example of creeping fascism, the state of Arkansas has ended a marriage debate that is as old as, well, as old as last fall. The state has come down hard in its staunch Bible Belting point of view on marriage: children are no longer allowed to marry.

The debate arose last October, when it was discovered there was a loophole in a marriage law the legislature had recently passed that allowed anyone, regardless of their age, to marry. The state was marred with complaints, and numerous annulments had to be granted, because play-weddings ended up being officiated by justices of the peace.

This blog pleads with Arkansas to reverse its decision. We all know that kids are lazy. Perhaps getting married will force them to be more responsible and get a job, instead of mooching off of the older generation.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)