British continue tradition of drunkenly acquiring land

In 1620, a group of British religious zealots decided to set up shop on Cape Cod because they were running out of beer. It wasn’t the first time booze was involved in land acquisition, and it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, it just happened.

A British man posted on Reddit last week asking if anyone knew the location of a seemingly random parcel of land in Little Rock, Arkansas. He was asking about it, after being told by his friends that he had gotten drunk and bought the land. It was part of his brilliant plan to post a sign with his friend’s face on the land, so that it would show up on Google Maps one day, which sounds exactly like a plan one would make if they were drunk.

Also, being drunk helps make living in Little Rock more attractive.

Bats take over courtroom

The mark of any civilized society is its judicial system. The animals know this, and since they don’t have a judicial system of their own, they want to wreck ours.

About 30 bats busted into a courtroom in Arkansas, disrupting a trial going on there. The bats terrorized everyone in the courtroom, and forced the trial to be moved elsewhere. It’s unlikely that the bats left, because apparently the whole courthouse is filled with them, and there’s guano everywhere.

Humanity shines in face of animal terrorism

We won’t back down. As we move closer and closer to the holiday season, our wartime enemies, the animal kingdom, attempt to throw everything at us. Because of their lack of opposable thumbs and indoor heating, animals are not able to survive the winter, with the exception of a select few of their specialized troops, giving us the advantage.

Reptiles are the first of their warriors to go down. Given their cold-blooded bodies, it of course makes sense that they’d throw their largest warriors in a last-ditch attempt, and they did just that over the weekend in Lakeland, Florida. A local man was able to dispatch a 12 foot long, over 700 pound monster alligator. It may not be hold the record for the largest or heaviest alligator in the state, but Lakeland residents will be able to sleep soundly knowing that they won’t have to contend with such a horrific beast.

What I tell you next, though, may put you through an emotional roller coaster. Almost two months ago, an Arkansas girl was involved in an accident that saw a deer come through opposing traffic and place itself through her driver’s side window, impaling her through her jaws with its antlers. It’s a terrifying event to happen. We’re proud and overjoyed to say that now, Tori Henry has nearly fully recovered, with simply a small scar to show. Even better, that villainous deer is dead and no more.

Take that, nature.

You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.

January

Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

You Missed It: Paid time off edition

How can you not trust a face like this?
How can you not trust a face like this?

After a restorative week off, I’m back at the helm. For all of last week, I unplugged from the news. Not just because I was on vacation, but because I was on vacation with 12 other people, and no one wanted to hear about the royal baby for 12 hours straight. But I know you don’t want to hear about my vacation. How are you? What’s new with you? Actually, I don’t care. If you were busy waiting to find out if you would be kicked out of baseball this week, odds are you missed it.

Hands-on leadership
This week, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner had even more women accuse him of sexual harassment. We’re up to nine now that have accused him of inappropriate touching and other unwelcome advances. The 70-year-old mayor has not resigned from office, but instead checking himself into a clinic, where he gets updates on city business. This in the wake of Anthony Weiner’s latest sexting scandal. Reportedly, the Democratic National Committee is continuing its outreach to women voters by introducing its new slogan, “We support the right to choose, so why don’t you bring that sweet ass over here, baby?”

Ark. teachers can’t pack heat (yet)
Arkansas’ state attorney said that one of its school districts cannot move forward with a program to arm its teachers, because the state law it was trying to use only applies to private security companies. The school district had pointed to safety, as well as the inherent teaching benefits of guns in the classroom. English: “Today we’re learning the letters H and K.” Math: “If I have nine rounds, and I shoot three of them into the ceiling–like so–how many rounds do I have left?” History: “The Second Amendment says that the Founding Fathers thought it was fine to have automatic and semtautomatic weapons carried around strangers entrusted with educating the nation’s youth.”

Jodie Foster, you saved me!
On Thursday, actress Jamie Lee Curtis was involved in a car accident. Not many details are known, but Curtis was a passenger. She immediately called Jodie Foster, and then 911. Foster showed up there first. Curtis was checked out at the hospital and released. Is it me, or are people getting more desperate for parts in superhero movies?

Who would’ve thought that freshwater was bad?

  • Water parks: Their value is middling at best. Sure, they may be a strong source of relief from the heat, but there’s just SO MUCH PEE in the water.
  • Freshwater: It’s not good. There’s a reason why so much emphasis is put on filtering water before you consume it, and that reason is that everything in freshwater (and even salt water) is designed to make you at least feel bad.

No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

There’s nothing like biting the hand that feeds you

We don’t like animals, and if you haven’t figured it by now, they don’t like us either. Nonetheless, even if we keep them as prisoners of war, but still adhere to the Geneva’ish Convention, the monsters still manage to screw up that relationship.

Take Jason Wiles of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Some might say that he was tempting fate by having many venomous snakes on his property. We like to think of him as a hardened warden. Like many felons, a green mamba decided to tempt fate and its work release program, biting Wiles. This could have been potentially deadly as green mambas are known for being one of the most deadly snakes in the world. Luckily, it was apparently a “dry bite,” and Wiles beat the odds.

However, the green mamba apparently didn’t know that we humans have a zero tolerance policy. It and the many deadly snakes on Wiles’ property were rounded up and taken out like the dirty animals that they are. Maybe word will spread out about this “example.”

Flowers: serious business.

Are you in love? Does he or she know? Well, whatever you do about it, for the love of God, don’t buy them flowers.

Flowers, or plant genitals, have long been part of human custom: weddings, birthdays, apologies and funerals. And funerals is just what posies have in mind when they spontaneously combust (i.e., terror explode) and cause $20,000 worth of damage to an Arkansas home.

The whole incident could have been avoided had the Duncans re-potted or even just watered their plant, but the United States does not negotiate with amaranths.

Virginia is for pedophilic gamers

Who knew that chatting up 13-year olds via Xbox Live then asking them for naked photos would be so frowned upon? What’s that you say? Anyone with a shred of common sense? What’s also that you say? We did very early on in our SG career? That’s right, we did.

One man who learned that lesson the hard way was 24 year old Portsmouth, Virginia resident Ryan Edwin Donker. Donker, whose very last name might even be considered inappropriate for those underage, admitted to police that he had asked for naked photos of an Xbox Live user from Fayetteville, Arkansas. He was arrested, extradited to Arkansas, charged with a felony and held on $20,000 bond.

The Fayetteville Police Department recorded multiple Xbox Live conversations between Donker and the boy following the first incident.

According to reports from the Northwest Arkansas Times, Donker told police that requests for naked pictures from the boy were a “joke.” Right. Whatever you say, Donker.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Virginia, sometimes you make me want to live in another state.