Tag: arlington

Holy crap! Another sh*tty runner?

The law doesn’t care how many “26.2” stickers you have on your car: keep it in your pants, runners.

Back in September, we reported on Colorado Springs’ Mad Pooper, a runner who defecated in public on a frequent basis during her jogs. Nobody caught her, although she apparently stopped after making the news.

BUT! Police did catch a different defecathlete in New Jersey. We call him: the Pooperintendent.

Police and staff at Holmdel High School caught the Superintendent (eh?) of a neighboring school, Thomas Tramaglini, allegedly brown-handed after finding poop daily on their track. We have no word whether Holmdel track coaches included his pinch times during laps.

He has been charged with lewdness and, hilariously, littering. So, let that be a warning, fellow runners: give a flip, don’t take a sh*t.

There’s no screen more HD than your own face

You’ve heard the stories before and they’re true: anyone that buys an iPad not from a well-known retail source is as dumb as the box of rocks that they probably just bought. But fret not!

This line of logic also extends to those that decide to purchase electronics from a person’s car at a gas station.

People, if you do choose to drop a large amount of money in the direction of the back of a person’s car that also doubles as a Radio Shack, at the very least, check to make sure that the item you’re buying is legit. Because there is no mirror app on the App Store that costs as much as you’re probably going to pay.

Snakes in a bag

The Easter holiday travel time might be over finally, but now we are left to clean up the mess left by attacks on our high holy holiday. Unlike humans, animals are soulless and do not believe in God. This is proven by their attempts to thwart Easter in the name of their ungodly cause.

A man outside of Washington, a current hotbed of animal activity, was attacked by a snake that got into his luggage somehow. The man, a rowing coach, had been in South Carolina and reached into his luggage after returning home. There he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Firefighters were the first to arrive on scene.

“‘We took the bag outside and used a [carbon dioxide] fire extinguisher to freeze the snake,’ killing it, Barksdale said.”

Truly, our country’s bravest.

Easy come, easy go

One versus a hundred, give or takeThe mayor of Arlington, Oregon, was recalled (by a mere three votes) because of a “scandalous” photo posted on her MySpace page. Now, we posit a question to our readers. What’s crazier: That a mayor has a MySpace page, that anyone cares, or that she could grate blocks of stale cheese on those hardcore washboard abs? Bet she makes your mayor look like a creampuff. I know she does she does for all the mayors that I’ve had to encounter in the areas that I lived in (one was older than death, another had approximately 2 vowels in a 24 letter last name, and the most recent has been arrested under embezzling charges).

And no, we don’t have a link to her MySpace page.

Making funerals fun again

Everyone will someday die, and as long as you stay dead, we are OK with it. However, that doesn’t mean that death isn’t part of life. Because it’s a part of life, it can sometimes get downright strange. Don’t think so?

In England, just as anywhere else in the world, sometimes your loved ones ask to be cremated. One crematorium has thought of solving their heating bill problems with something they do anyway. Still can’t guess it? They are going to heat the building using the heat from the burning bodies. That means the deceased’s final gift to his or her friends and family is the gift of warmth.

Back in the States, death can be fun here, too. In Arlington, Virginia there is a lot of growth going on. It sits right across the Potomac River from Washington. Office and apartment buildings are constantly being built because people want to move to this happening area. However, one apartment building offers a little bit more than any other: the first floor will feature a funeral home. Now, residents can mourn the deaths of their loved ones in a more convenient atmosphere. Because just because their life stops, doesn’t mean yours has to.