This has perhaps been a long time in the making, but it’s now time to unveil a new category: the Big Man of the Day.
It takes a big man to admit when someone has done wrong, and an even bigger one to assert this through force. That is why our first official recipient is Russel E. Miller, who police say hit a teenage boy for not turning off his iPhone on a plane.
For your gross overreaction and uncalled for violence toward a minor in defense of a minor airplane rule, we congratulate you, Self-Anointed Air Marshall Miller!
Also, some honorary mentions for the KBOI2.com commentors who only wish Miller had done more!
… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”
Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.
And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:
“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.'”
[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]
Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.
*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.
Sometimes animals are so scary that we’re ready to give up and die after one bite.
Not so for Kasey Edwards, who was attacked by an 11-foot alligator while swimming in Lake Okeechobee, Florida. The “gator,” as the locals call it, chomped off his arm about “4 inches above the elbow.”
Did this faze Edwards? Not at all.
“It was a pretty humbling experience,” said Edwards, who was difficult to understand because his ginormous testicles kept getting in the way.
He stared down the “gator” for 10 seconds, and then gouged the scaly beast’s eye out with one of his remaining five fingers.
We salute you, Mr. Edwards. Not only did you kick an alligator’s ass, but you did it just like in the movies.
For those just tuning in to this article, SeriouslyGuys has updated Mr. Edwards’ hero-status!