Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.
The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.
The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.
Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.
I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.
Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.
Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?
I’m back! I know you missed me. But then again, as was proven last week, just because I go on vacation to forget about you does not mean that YMI ceases to exist. It’s sort of like the news in that sense, isn’t it? In any case, I have returned and I am refreshed. Can you say the same? If you were busy making a cargo ship disappear, odds are you missed it.
Your pointless babble brings on the whale
A recent study of tweets on Twitter, the microblogging service, found that around 40 percent are “pointless babble.” This comes as a shock to many, who could have sworn the number was closer to 99.9999999999999999 percent. So what are the remaining 60 percent of tweets? About 35 percent are updates about what song or band a person is listening to right now, 20 percent are complaints about work, class, the weather and illness, while the remaining 5 percent are updates on bowel movements.
This AND Steven Tyler is in the hospital?
NASA said this week that unless it gets more federal funding it will not be able to meet its 2020 goal of tracking 90 percent of the asteroids that could hit the Earth and kill off life as we know it. But that’s OK, your federal dollars are going to more important things. As the ancient Sumerian saying goes, if you live long enough, everything turns into a Bruce Willis movie.
Just in time for the Woodstock anniversary
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme was released from prison today after spending 34 years in jail for the attempted assasination of President Gerald Ford. Fromme was a member of the Manson family, which is connected with other crimes, such as a two-day killing spree in 1969. Has anyone told Ford about this yet? Oh, wait.
Space, so we’re told, is a very peaceful. You have a nice view of the Earth, you get to go outside for a stroll, even some lucky few have walked on the moon. But they don’t talk about what happens to you when you go into space: you go crazy.
That’s right, it happens to a select few, but they get space dementia, which we all know is totally real. Case in point: Edgar Mitchell, a former astronaut best known for orbiting the moon on Apollo 14, said yesterday that UFOs are real and the U.S. government is covering them up.
Another former astronaut, Harrison Schmitt, who walked on the moon on Apollo 17, says that global warming is fake. He claims that science is being intimidated into supporting global warming because the scientists need their funding. Say, is this why no one really ever hears from Neil Armstrong?
Forget Anthrax! Screw weapons of mass destruction! Smallpox, you’re just old news! The real threat to human safety is not on the planet, but above the planet.
It’s that time of the year again! Yes, the world’s scientific community has gotten together, not to finally give us our f—ing jet-packs already, but to give awareness to the world that the most serious threat to Earth are asteroids. Something Hollywood has been telling us for the past ten years, at least.
To sum up the points of the conference:
The Association of Space Explorers wants the UN to approve asteroid interception missions.
An asteroid may have killed off all of the dinosaurs.
Asteroid Apophis, like everything else in space, has a possible chance of hitting Earth.
Gravity can be used to deflect asteroids.
If Apophis hits Earth, we’re boned.
We must take this threat for real because, let’s face it, we won’t always have Ben Affleck around to protect us.