T. rex puppet not allowed to take enlistment oath, Army says

Clever girl.

The right to dinosaur arms has been infringed upon in Tennessee, we are sad to report.

The Tennessee National Guard has two jobs: two guard the border with Kentucky, and to bring sand bags when Nashville floods. It’s a very serious job, and the state Air National Guard takes it so seriously that it posted a video of a re-enlistment ceremony where the service member had a T. rex puppet on her hand.

Master Sgt. Robin Brown is a part of the Tennessee Air National Guard’s public affairs office — at least she was until the video of her re-enlistment got some negative feedback. The U.S. Army, typically known for its sense of humor, has pulled Brown off of public affairs, and even demoted the colonel who administered the oath her Brown and her dinosaur.

They said it was for mocking an honored tradition, but really, it’s because of the awful attempt at ventriloquism.

German army keeps abreast on new diversionary tactics

Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.
Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.

As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.

Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.

But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:

Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.

Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That’s two in two days.]

Aussie Aussie Aussie Ugh!

Not to get too political, but we here at SG love our troops. We think the world of them; however they’re only fighting a war on one front. They should probably be happy about that, as they might be the only country to do so. Australia, though, they’re fighting a war on two fronts: the Taliban and the Dutch.

Oh yes, those brave Australian soldiers have been silently putting up with both the Taliban and the most vile villain of all: Dutch cuisine.

Australia recently rushed a crack skilled team of cooks to Afghanistan in order to create authentic “Aussie” food for the soldiers. Why? Because their mess hall had been previously run by a bunch of Dutch cooks. Honestly though, it can be understood. I mean, hete bliksem (boiled potatoes and green apples)? Boerenkoolstamppot (kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst)? I’m not saying that I’m an astounding cook, but I can barely pronounce the names of these dishes, much less create any desire to eat them.

Don’t worry though, Australia. Soon you shall be reunited with such delectable foods of your native land, such as fairy bread, chiko rolls and roasted kangaroo.

Screwed up royally?

British people might argue that Americans can’t understand what it’s like to support an archaic family dynasty that wields no real power anymore. To that The Guys reply, “Well, yeah. What are you, retarded?”

Of course, the British do the same thing with their useless family lineages that we do with ours during wars: send them to military school indefinitely, and — if that doesn’t work out — stick them in the National Guard until the conflict blows over.

Prince William managed to make the news for once because of reports alleging that he grounded a training jet during flight school by toggling when he should have flicked, resulting in an “overcooked” jet engine. It’s a fairly common mistake and only a big deal because his Dad is waiting for his grandmother to die before growing up.

The Little Prince still passed flight school and is currently training to be a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot. He also holds commissions in the British Navy and Army. If he joins one more branch, does he get to wear a super-duper uniform that incorporates the best parts from all services?

Score 50,000 points and fly in the military

A guy went from high school dropout to drone pilot instructor in the Army — not a position most 19-year-old enlisted hold, by the way — thanks in part to his video game skills.

Sigh.

The soldier in question was a high school dropout who joined the military to make his father proud (graduating from high school, however, does not do that). But his failing grades in school made his superiors skeptical of his qualifications to be a helicopter mechanic, his first choice. So they asked if he wanted to be a drone pilot.

Surprise, surprise, this doesn’t sit too well with bona-fide academy flyboys. Says P.W. Singer, a former defense policy adviser to the Obama campaign, and the author of “Wired for War,”

“You tell that story to someone in the Air Force, like an F-15 pilot, and they go, ‘I do not like where this is headed. You know, I’ve got a college education. The military spent $5 million training me up. And you’re telling me that this kid, this nineteen-year-old-and — oh, by the way, he’s in the Army — is doing more than I am?’ And that’s the reality of it.”

In all seriousness, it’s great that the kid is joining the military. More power to him if he really wants to do so. He just better remember that the Konami Code doesn’t work in real life.

This little piggy got popped

While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.

In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.

And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.

Viagra in Israeli cockpits

Adding fuel to feminist theories about the phallic nature of missiles in combat, the Israeli air force plans to give combat pilots Viagra.

Israeli army doctors are considering the decision based on Viagra’s positive effects on mountain climbers at high altitudes.¬†Viagra apparently reduces high blood pressure in lungs when they are hard-up for oxygen.

There is no word from the Israeli government as to whether they will need to redesign the control stick to avoid confusion in the heat of the moment.