Government groping for the perv on a budget

Have you been wishing for a more intimate relationship with a government official, but can’t afford to fly all the time? The U.S. Supreme Court has your kink covered: get arrested for anything.

A 5-4 ruling on Monday has determined that “officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.” So, whether you’re in for an unpaid parking ticket, which the case was about (and it was later determined that, yes, it had been paid) or for violating a leash law, you, too, can get your junk ogled by a man — or woman — in uniform.

And it’s about time, too, because we’ve been wondering who we have to kill for this kind of service.

Friday Numbers Game!

As we count the hours to Happy Hour, let’s look at other numbers in the news today.

A senior U.S. official took exception to the claim that CIA drone attacks in Pakistan killed around 2,000 militants (hooray!) and 168 children (boo!). The numbers come from a report released by the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism. The official agreed with the militant death count, but found it hard to believe that the drones only killed 168 kids, who are slower, dumber and attracted to flying robots.

And, speaking of the UK, at least 1,700 suspects have been arrested in connection with rioting that began in Tottenham and spread wherever stores still had iPads. Scotland Yard said “that number is changing all the time,” which has led Parliament to authorize prospecting for a New Australia.

Get arrested angry, in 3D

Nicolas Cage owes the United States government a lot of money. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Unfortunately, he may be owing some more money to another government, albeit at the city level.

Cage was arrested in New Orleans (“You don’t have a lucky crack pipe?”) after getting drunk and getting loud with his wife. And yes, one of the charges he was booked on was domestic abuse battery. But if we ended the story on just that note, we’d be nothing more than journalists. No, dear reader, we’re not going to end it on that. You see, there’s a key part of the story that SG would like to point out.

Nicolas Cage was arrested after he got drunk in the city’s French Quarter and argued in the street with his wife over whether a house they were in front of was theirs,

It’s very important to focus on the bold. Because, people, that’s a whole new level of drunk.

When a man has lost everything he has left …

Darren Suchon, a 42 year-old unemployed man from Lehigh Township, Pennsylvania, likes his video games. He likes them so much that when somebody tries to take them away, it results in a car chase, road rage and the cops. Yes, his anger triggers a video game level.

Suchon’s girlfriend, Colleen Frable, became so fed up with his lifestyle that she grabbed his Playstation, put it in the back of her car and took off. He didn’t just get mad. He got really mad, jumping in Frable’s other car (who here actually predicted that it was a Porsche?) and giving chase until he caught up, rear-ended her and ran her off the road. Which is true love.

His explanation to police, who arrived after Frable dialed 911? That she’d taken his PlayStation away once before, and “he didn’t want her to do it again.” Understandable, if he has a penchant for bandicoots.

Suchon now faces a long list of charges including “simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment, disorderly conduct, reckless driving and driving with a suspended or revoked license.” Those might hinder him in fixing that whole unemployed bit.

The feel-good racial tension of the year

The nice part about having a VP is always having someone available for double-dates.To close out our coverage of the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. fiasco and Beergate 2009, we leave Gates and Sgt. Crowley on a brighter note.

Their initial meeting was a misunderstanding, leaving one to think the other was an uptight, Harvard-teaching priss and the other a bumbling meathead with a badge. They infuriated each other; but little did they know that they were challenging each other to learn something … about themselves.

And then Gates friend, who just happens to be the President of the United States, took his friend’s side before discovering that Crowley deserved a second chance. Taking fate into his own hands, he invited them each over for a beer on the same day. Oh to be a fly on that wall!

After what Crowley described as a “private,” frank” and–as we imagine–wry, yet touching conversation, the two have agreed to meet again, this time without the First Chaperone. They plan to call each other over the next couple of days to arrange their next outing/compare favorite movies and music.

The Guys don’t normally cry at romantic comedies, and such was the case with this one. However, our allergies are acting up, so that’s why they’re watering. No, really.

It’s a proportional blow out!

And for god's sake, keep a hand on your wallet!This week in America, it’s a sanity sale! All things must be blown out of proportion! That’s right: no credibility checks and no personal accountability for the entire first year of blustering!

This deal, of course, only applies to our Henry Louis Gates, Jr. arrest in Cambridge, Mass. But, the options are entirely up to you! Packages include:

  • Black Rage: The arrest of Dr. Gates is an indictment of all black men everywhere!
  • White Rage: It’s like white men can’t even arrest a black man on a trumped-up charge, only to release him hours later because it would never stick!

And new for today:

  • Authority Rage: Criticizing Sgt. James Crowley is an indictment of all police officers everywhere!
  • Anti-intellectual Rage: These arugula-eating, latte-sipping effete Ivy Leaguers refuse to fear our police (though the anonymous author claims to be one as well)!

Act now, and we’ll throw in our self-satisfaction undercoat and a handjob from the AM radio host of your choice!

Schadenfreude: Too metal for Sony, too metal for the law

By now, you’re probably sitting down and looking at this page near your lunch time. Still, who doesn’t like a nice cup of coffee at lunch? Especially when it’s the Schadenfreude blend.

Robert Snively of Port Clinton, Ohio, should be having a moment of clarity right now, because the man is headed for town court over Guitar Hero. Heh.

Snively, 33, was jamming away on the game late at night this past weekend, pissing off his neighbors.

For the last time.

They got the boys in blue on him, who proceeded to show up and promptly write him a ticket. Since he’s a repeat offender for this sort of thing, that means he’s off to court in April.

Let’s face it people: this is sad. Now, I’ve been known to have people who lived below me in college ask to turn whatever I’m dealing with down. I’ve also had to do the same thing for people who have lived below me. But when you’re 33? And you’re a repeat offender? That’s just pathetic. And hilarious.

Mm, Schadenfreude. Taste that? That’s called being better than other people, having more common sense than most and reveling in the misery of others.

You cannot kiss the bride any time soon

It is still wedding season, and in upstate New York, a man was arrested on his wedding day because he got too close to his new wife.

The ceremony went just fine, but the groom allegedly got into an argument with one of the wedding guests during the reception (when most fights at weddings are known to occur) and the police were called. Police knew the groom had a protective order protective order against him filed by the bride (apparently this guy was not a stranger at the police barracks) and they arrested him. He was charged with first degree criminal contempt and held without bail.

There is no word yet as to when these star-crossed love birds will be able to consumate the marriage.

Office of Boob Investigations under siege

The few, the proud, the DoTWe’ve long been proponents of the Second Amendment on this site, whether you plan on using your arms on animals or the government itself. (Our FBI profile just went up a notch with that sentence.)

We’ve wondered when the government would overstep its boundaries and attack the very institutions we hold dear. The police of Louisville, Kentucky have arrested one of our duly-appointed Official Boob Inspectors, which is the policing body of the Department of Titillation. They’ve trumped up a charge of “impersonating an officer” and will probably hold him indefinitely.

By taking away our means and standards of evaluating breasts, the government has rendered us defenseless against imposter mammories of dubious quality. It’s only a matter of time before the Internet is full of saggy man-tits and we settle for third or even fourth inverted nipples.

This blog is not suggesting that the good citizens of Louisville demand this brave inspector’s release through rioting and violence. That would be irresponsible. We just ask that they think of the porn and how this government interference will affect all of us.