Man gets arrested, out of jury duty for showing up drunk

Jury duty is a hassle for most people, which is why jokes about how to get out of serving on jury are so popular. But if you try one of these schemes, make sure it doesn’t put you in jail.

In Texas, authorities say a 23-year-old man showed up for jury duty visibly drunk with a beer in hand. The man was seen on the courthouse steps in a stupor, drinking from a large cup. Deputies soon found the man was there for jury duty, and the cup in question had beer in it.

He was arrested and charged with public intoxication. And he probably got out of jury duty, too.

U.S. finally interested in soccer

The U.S. hasn't aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.
The U.S. hasn’t aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.

Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!

Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.

U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.

How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.

Next time, let the men stay home and watch football

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing — a wonderful, yet messy, thing. And to celebrate the anticipated live birth, expectant parents often throw themselves baby showers, because that stuff’s not cheap, and their friends will never see them again.

Naturally, when there is gift giving and hopes for the future of a new human life, the atmosphere can get a little tense, that’s why it’s no surprise that a fight broke out at a baby shower in Massachusetts. Police say as many as 200 people (!) were involved in a fight that ended with four arrests, with charges including assault and battery on a police officer.

Welcome to the family, little one!