U.N. joins the War on Robots

Every now and then the United Nations does something that gets politicians suggesting that we should leave or defund the international organization designed to avoid world wars. But we now have a solid reason to support the U.N. forever and ever.

The international organization has said it will examine the dangers of developing weaponized artificial intelligence, better known as killer robots. This is a step toward the all-out banning of robots that don’t need you controlling them to kill people. And that would greatly increase our odds of avoiding the machine uprising we all know is coming.

Considering how U.N. resolutions stamped out human rights violations, we think this could stop the war before Judgment Day happens.

Dumb beer trend: Artificial intelligence

We can’t get robots to pour a decent drink, but pretty soon they could be brewing our beer for us. The first step down this dark road begins with listening to the masses.

IntelligentX, which is somehow not a nu metal band name, is a brewing company, and it has produced four different beers with the help of artificial intelligence. An AI bot measured the feedback from people on the taste of the various beers, and gave the brewers tips how they could tweak their recipes to appeal to more people. The American Idol approach to brewing is going to ruin beer for everyone, and it’s only a matter of time before they put this AI into machines.

First the robots will kill our golden age of craft beer, and then they come for us.

Stephen Hawking still hates stupid people

Stephen Hawking doesn’t have the best outlook on humanity. In fact, he has demonstrated many times that he wants to end us all. Good to see nothing has changed.

In a recent interview, Hawking said humanity has “certainly not become less greedy or less stupid” since the last time he threatened us with extinction. He said that we have done nothing to reduce the threat of climate change, and we’re hell-bent on creating artificial intelligence, which will one day kill us all.

This has been another edition of Stephen Hawking Says Mankind Will Die.

Robots poised to eliminate job of being a student

We keep building machines with the ability to learn, even though we know it’s a bad idea. However, to forestall the robot uprising, we’re having them learn pointless stuff, like geometry.

An artificial intelligence system called GeoS did just as well, if not better than you probably did on the geometry section of the SAT. According to researchers, the system answered 49% of the questions correctly, which is about the average success rate of human high schoolers.

The system was created by the Microsoft-funded Allen Institute for Artificial Intelligence, in case you wanted to know who’s responsible for robots overcrowding our schools in a couple years.

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.

But what’s his opinion on Transformers?

Elon Musk believes in the future, a future that he hopes will not be dominated by the end of mankind thanks to killer robots. He’s been fairly loud in his opposition toward super artificial intelligence, considering it more dangerous than nuclear weaponry. In his defense, he has seen a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence on Netflix, so he obviously knows his stuff.

As such, he’s provided what’s obviously the greatest weapon in the war against robots: straight cash homie.

It’s a smart play. His donation of 10 million dollars (that’s billion with an M) to the Future of Life Institute, a non-profit designed to take on humanity’s risk via artificial intelligence, will be used to run global research programs, presumably through the use of artificial intelligence-run computers.

You Missed It: Foreign relations edition

This sounds like a job for The Worm!
This sounds like a job for The Worm!

It’s been a rough couple weeks. Some bad and disappointing things have highlighted a major problem in our society, even though there are plenty of people posting misspelled denials it exists. But in this suckiness, take a moment and be glad that you’re not passing that ignorance on, because that’s how things change. We’ll fix this somehow. Alright, enough of the serious stuff. If you were busy singing and prancing through the air on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.

Coming soon to a torrent near you
Sony Pictures said this week that it suffered a hacker attack, which lead to the pirating of five of its films. Internal memos, salaries and personal information were also leaked in the attack. The primary suspect is North Korea, which took offense to the recent Sony Pictures film The Interview, about the assassination of Kim Jong Un. Time to send in Team America.

Feel the conciliation
This week, Mark Walhberg asked the state of Massachusetts to remove a conviction from his record. The actor said he has done his time for his mistake and learned from it, further, he has a number of philanthropic efforts. He has asked that the state erase the biggest mistake of his youth. Nice try, Marky Mark, but you’re not getting off the hook for the Planet of the Apes remake that easily.

Stephen Hawking warns of forthcoming robot revolution
World-renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking warned this week that artificial intelligence could one day bring mankind to an end. Hawking recently switched to a new voice system that uses artificial intelligence to predict what words he may use next based on what he has already said. One of the smartest people on Earth is now using autocorrect and saying it could kill us all. Sleep tight, everyone!