Tag: Asian carp

Great Lakes gone to carp

The press is buzzing with what must be the most spell-checked story in the War on Animals. According to Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, the federal government is not doing enough to fight carp.

Gov. Granholm–along with the governors of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin (commonly referred to as “the carp states”)–has asked the White House and the U.S. Supreme Court to shut Chicago-area locks. This strategy encloses the carp into a proverbial barrel for killing before they can reach the Great Lakes, which are only getting carpier and carpier by the minute.

Critics of the lock closing plan, including Assistant Secretary of the Army of Civil Works (the Fightin’ Civil Workers!) Jo-Ellen Darcy said the plan is total crap because the carp can still get pumped out of a Chicago station.

One thing’s for sure: unless we scoop these carp out of our water systems, we’ll be up to our armpits in it.

Foreign fish-the new illegal immigrant

The Supreme Court recently refused to issue an injunction in a case between Illinois and Michigan.

That’s not what we should be worried. The really crux of the problem is Asian carp. Yes, somehow, in the Midwest rivers of our great, American country, Asian carp have made their way into our land. Did they take a citizenship test? No. Do they pay any taxes at all? No. Do they even have the courtesy to speak our language? NO!

Now, listen-I’m just one man. But even I know when we’re clearly leaning on a slippery slope to pure communism thanks solely to the illegal immigration of Asian carp. You should be afraid because the ambassador to Atlantis is remaking America. He’s just not remaking it the way you thought he would. He’s just remaking it into a place that’s a whole lot crappier. Kind of a hybrid between Mu and Sea World. He’s taking the beacon of freedom and turning it into an apologetic, hey, what can you do for me, wannabe Chrodatan, spread the wealth, socialist wonderland. Teardrop.