Tag: assault

A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.

Hey! That baby’s recyclable!

Dawa Lama of Queens, N.Y., was arrested for allegedly dumping her baby in a trash can in the hospital bathroom where she gave birth to it.

The baby was found by the next person to use the bathroom, who still maintains that–although disturbing–the baby, amniotic fluid and uterus parts still beat what’s normally left on and around the seat.

According to police, Lama has been charged with assault, reckless endangerment and violating Elmhurst Hospital’s return policy on newborns.

Hey nerds, knock it off!

Shinboku-con 2011 was held in Westlake, Ohio over the weekend, and was a festival aimed at showcasing and celebrating anime and video games. Oh, and pugilism, apparently.

Yes, a rousing bout of fisticuffs most certainly did arise between two lads. Indubitably!

On April 30, two men (both attendees at the show) were arrested after getting into a disagreement over how one of the pair was “playing a video game”. This disagreement spilled over when one of the men punched the other in the mouth (kind of how it would between you and your friends, except you were 12 when that happened). Charged with assault and arrested by local police, the other guy was then also arrested after spitting on one of the cops.

And the third arrest? It came later that night, when one of the earlier pair’s younger brothers was picked up for damaging hotel property at the Holiday Inn all three had been staying in for the convention. This younger sibling and a friend – both 18 – were also nabbed for underage consumption of alcohol.

Nerds: stop trying to not be you.

Speak as if your life depended on it

In other fast food drive-thru related news …

We all know that you can suffer a fair amount of health related risks when you eat fast food. It’s just not safe for a person whatsoever. There are very few items on those menus that can be labeled as good for you. I’m not saying fast food isn’t tasty; however, fast food isn’t something that you can trust with your life.

But can ordering fast food really be deleterious to you? Potentially, if you’re ordering at a certain Wendy’s. Rictoria Bethea, a Wendy’s employee at Fort Myers, is accused of walking out of the restaurant while manning the drive-thru window and punching a customer (still in her car) who allegedly was talking in a disrespectful tone. Frosties and baconators have never been subjected to scarier conditions.

Kind of gives new meaning to the term ‘combo,’ right?

Aggravated assault with zero calories

Sometimes in life, we just don’t like coming to grips with what’s happened, especially if we’ve initiated the events. As such, some of us insist on shirking our responsibility. These excuses can come in the form of “the bitch set me up,” to “it wasn’t me,” or “the glove doesn’t fit,” to even “it’s not my fault.” Very rarely, though, do we get excuses in the form of cold, sugary, fountain accessed liquids.

A man in Pennsylvania is claiming that the reason he allegedly assaulted his senior citizen mother is because the Pepsi machine at the local CostCo made him do it.

Which is sound logic. And doesn’t make you a “soda jerk” at all.

The father told police that his son had said “that the Pepsi machine at Costco made him hurt his mother,” and that “he was mad at his mother because she smokes drugs.”

The drugs in question-they wouldn’t happen to be Coke, would they?

Crime be the debbil’s work

The next time that you find yourself arrested for stealing goods of some sort, don’t try to play it off or, for that matter, even accept fault. Blame the devil. It’s clearly the smartest idea.

Jeanne Jones was caught shoplifting in a New Jersey Walmart. Her plan of action? Assault the loss-prevention officer and drive off. Of course, if you do so, you might want to make sure that you don’t leave anything incriminating behind-like your purse.

If do so, you might have to call the store back to see if they’ve found it. Unfortunately, you know who also uses the phone? The police. It’s cool; when they ask why you shoplifted and assault somebody, just say that you were possessed by the devil during that instance. Remember, the best responsibility to take hold of is no responsibility.

Oh yeah? Rake this, sucker!

In other news of drunken attacks between friends, two friends in Springfield, Massachusetts were hanging out, drinking some beer and doing some yard work. The usual. But then, things turned ugly.

The two friends got into an argument, and while the details are not quite clear, somebody got whacked around with a rake. Proving once again the age old addage, “Don’t drink a lot of beer with your friend while raking leaves, then insult his sister, because you may end up being an assault victim.”

The rake was not available for comment.