Tag: asteroids

The best barriers are planet sized ones

According to recent simulations, the idea of making a life for yourself on a planet closer to the center of the galaxy has hit a natural barrier as well as a (lack-of-way-to-get-there-and-survive) technological one: Too many comets. Not enough ho’s!

No! No! Sit down Ludacris. We’re not going into a song, okay? We just don’t have the time. Now, as I was saying ….

It’s now being reported that Italian researcher Marco Masi has discovered that the stars and gas clouds at the center of the galaxy are so tightly packed that twice as many comets are shaken loose, and could hit planets at twice the impact of similar Earthbound objects. Which would mean that some kind of force shield that would protect future space colonies from collisions might just be the first thing to add to any future to-do list.

Our favorite planet-sized comet shield? Meatloaf. And Mike Holmgren. Oh, and one of the dude’s wearing an ascot that was pictured at the end of the Dec. 22, 2009 edition of PTI. That was a big dude.

You Missed It: No one cares what you’re doing edition

I’m back! I know you missed me. But then again, as was proven last week, just because I go on vacation to forget about you does not mean that YMI ceases to exist. It’s sort of like the news in that sense, isn’t it? In any case, I have returned and I am refreshed. Can you say the same? If you were busy making a cargo ship disappear, odds are you missed it.

Your pointless babble brings on the whale
A recent study of tweets on Twitter, the microblogging service, found that around 40 percent are “pointless babble.” This comes as a shock to many, who could have sworn the number was closer to 99.9999999999999999 percent. So what are the remaining 60 percent of tweets? About 35 percent are updates about what song or band a person is listening to right now, 20 percent are complaints about work, class, the weather and illness, while the remaining 5 percent are updates on bowel movements.

This AND Steven Tyler is in the hospital?
NASA said this week that unless it gets more federal funding it will not be able to meet its 2020 goal of tracking 90 percent of the asteroids that could hit the Earth and kill off life as we know it. But that’s OK, your federal dollars are going to more important things. As the ancient Sumerian saying goes, if you live long enough, everything turns into a Bruce Willis movie.

Just in time for the Woodstock anniversary
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme was released from prison today after spending 34 years in jail for the attempted assasination of President Gerald Ford. Fromme was a member of the Manson family, which is connected with other crimes, such as a two-day killing spree in 1969. Has anyone told Ford about this yet? Oh, wait.

Scientists cocky about emerging intragalactic war

Scientists all over the Earth hypothesize and are conducting experiments to find life elsewhere in the galaxy; that we knew already.

What we didn’t already know is that several of them believe that it is entirely possible that there is life elsewhere in our own corner of the Milky Way galaxy, and that some of it might be intelligent.

Using a computer model, one group has recreated our galaxy and then studied how life may have started and evolved. Even by introducing species-ending disasters like asteroids and McDonald’s, at least 361 intelligent species evolved anyway.

So, our counteroffensive in the War on Aliens might just be closer than we expected. Set your probes for “violate,” and let’s move out!

Quick, someone call Bruce Willis!

Forget Anthrax! Screw weapons of mass destruction! Smallpox, you’re just old news! The real threat to human safety is not on the planet, but above the planet.

It’s that time of the year again! Yes, the world’s scientific community has gotten together, not to finally give us our f—ing jet-packs already, but to give awareness to the world that the most serious threat to Earth are asteroids. Something Hollywood has been telling us for the past ten years, at least.

To sum up the points of the conference:

  • The Association of Space Explorers wants the UN to approve asteroid interception missions.
  • An asteroid may have killed off all of the dinosaurs.
  • Asteroid Apophis, like everything else in space, has a possible chance of hitting Earth.
  • Gravity can be used to deflect asteroids.
  • If Apophis hits Earth, we’re boned.
  • We must take this threat for real because, let’s face it, we won’t always have Ben Affleck around to protect us.

What can save us now:

  • Michael Bay’s filmmaking
  • A power ballad by Aerosmith
  • President Morgan Freeman
  • Superboy of Earth Prime