Biggest thing in universe, astronomers’ pants found

The discovery of the second largest observable object in the universe changes everything we know about the first: our penises.
The discovery of the second largest observable object in the universe, the Large Quasar Group (LQG), changes everything we know about the first largest: our gigantic dong stars.

Using data from the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, a team of international astronomers has discovered a cluster of quasars so large that it defies what science had believed was the largest object your mom could observe without it appearing uniform with the rest of the universe.

The Large Quasar Group (LQG) of 73 quasars — or young active galaxies — stretches across 4 billion light years. Or, as study leader Roger Clowes, an astronomer at University of Central Lancashire in England, said to put it in perspective: “About the size of my penis … if I folded it in half.”

The plan for now is to map the LQG more thoroughly with the telescopes that Gerard Williger, an astronomer at the University of Louisville in Kentucky, uses to see where he’s fornicating waaay over there.

“This structure is bigger than we expect based on the shockwaves formed in the universe after the big bang,” said Williger, adding, “That’s what she said.”