Tag: astronomy

Biggest thing in universe, astronomers’ pants found

The discovery of the second largest observable object in the universe changes everything we know about the first: our penises.
The discovery of the second largest observable object in the universe, the Large Quasar Group (LQG), changes everything we know about the first largest: our gigantic dong stars.

Using data from the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, a team of international astronomers has discovered a cluster of quasars so large that it defies what science had believed was the largest object your mom could observe without it appearing uniform with the rest of the universe.

The Large Quasar Group (LQG) of 73 quasars — or young active galaxies — stretches across 4 billion light years. Or, as study leader Roger Clowes, an astronomer at University of Central Lancashire in England, said to put it in perspective: “About the size of my penis … if I folded it in half.”

The plan for now is to map the LQG more thoroughly with the telescopes that Gerard Williger, an astronomer at the University of Louisville in Kentucky, uses to see where he’s fornicating waaay over there.

“This structure is bigger than we expect based on the shockwaves formed in the universe after the big bang,” said Williger, adding, “That’s what she said.”

Humpback whales: the largest nerds on Earth

We already knew there was something geeky about humpback whales. Their scoliosis is a dead giveaway, and swimmers are just below soccer players–but above mathletes–in the hierarchy of athletics.

But, now science believes that they may use astronomy to track their annual migration between the equator and polar regions. That’s full-blown nerdry right there.

The best barriers are planet sized ones

According to recent simulations, the idea of making a life for yourself on a planet closer to the center of the galaxy has hit a natural barrier as well as a (lack-of-way-to-get-there-and-survive) technological one: Too many comets. Not enough ho’s!

No! No! Sit down Ludacris. We’re not going into a song, okay? We just don’t have the time. Now, as I was saying ….

It’s now being reported that Italian researcher Marco Masi has discovered that the stars and gas clouds at the center of the galaxy are so tightly packed that twice as many comets are shaken loose, and could hit planets at twice the impact of similar Earthbound objects. Which would mean that some kind of force shield that would protect future space colonies from collisions might just be the first thing to add to any future to-do list.

Our favorite planet-sized comet shield? Meatloaf. And Mike Holmgren. Oh, and one of the dude’s wearing an ascot that was pictured at the end of the Dec. 22, 2009 edition of PTI. That was a big dude.

Celestial event? (Frowny-face.)

Just when it seemed like Australia couldn’t get more full of themselves, the skies have to just smile down on them.

Jupiter, Venus and the Moon were aligned just after sunset so that they formed a happy face over the country/continent that gave us Yahoo Serious and Fosters beer. Witnesses also reported hearing the song of angels, but that was just the iconic Sydney Opera House’s choir rubbing it in a little.

Americans will get to see it tonight, one day later. Oh, and because of our position, the moon will be flipped around, frowning at us.

U.S. astronomers suggest just staying indoors at 20 to 30 minutes after sundown, and pretending not to know what Australia’s talking about when they call.