Never ‘Scrooge McDuck’ in an ATM

The trapped man’s attempts to psychically project his pleas to “cash [him] outside” through a 14-year-old girl on Dr. Phil also failed to get help.
When a locksmith got trapped in the room behind an ATM without his phone or swipe card to get out, he applied critical thinking and passed notes to ATM customers outside. (Well, the first critical thinking since leaving the keycard that would let him out or his phone in his truck.) Unfortunately, it took a few tries to get help because “some customers appeared to dismiss the notes as a gag.”

So, thanks a lot, candid camera prank shows and web feeds. You’ve created a world where nobody trusts a note reading “Please help. I’m stuck in here and I don’t have my phone. Please call my boss” on their ATM receipt.

Don’t worry. Somebody did eventually call the police. But, if we as a society can’t trust a machine that gives us cash and quotes Alice in Chains, who can we trust?

Bank teller walks away from would-be robber

It seems like every week we hear about more humans losing their jobs because of automation (read: robots). How can a human that expects pay possibly compete with machine slave labor? The answer is in banking.

Thanks to ATMs, the only reason people actually walk into a bank anymore is to rob it, but a bank teller in Detroit was having none of it. According to reports, a man walked into a bank in suburban Detroit and handed the teller a note saying that he was armed. The bank teller simply walked away, forcing the would-be robber to leave empty-handed.

The inefficiency of the American worker thwarted a bank robbery. Meanwhile, you can empty an ATM with nothing but a drill and a gadget you can make for $15. We win this round.

ATM’s: sort of kind of maybe stronger than Harvey Dent’s face

Look, we at SG understand: it’s still pretty hard out there, these days. We all are in need of money. Having money makes things easier. It’s the truth!

So, we don’t condone, but we can understand someone trying to use a get-rich-quick scheme to obtain some easy money, even if the scheme is much more unlawful than anyone would like to admit. That said, there are three rules when it comes to a crime-laden get-rich-quick scheme:

  1. Don’t let the cost of your scheme be more than your total profit take.
  2. Don’t let your scheme injure someone.
  3. Be successful in your scheme.

According to police, a man at the University of Colorado managed to break all three rules. Way to go, dumbo.

And you thought your weekend was crazy?

"Now listen here, see? You're gonna give me all your money, and no funny stuff, see?"
“I’m gonna punch in my PIN one more time, see? And you’re gonna give me all your money, and no funny stuff, see?”

Police and Hyattsville, Maryland are looking for two men who they say attempted to steal an ATMthe entire machine — early Monday morning. All authorities know about them is their gender, that they were driving a white pickup truck and that they really, really needed a bunch of $20 bills.

If caught and sentenced, they can expect a $3 service fee added to their fine.

Does this dead guy know how to party or what?!

Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.

According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.

At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.

You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?

We know the new pan-handling hotspot

Hark! It’s time to stake your claim! Quick, to the ATM!

A Vegas ATM found at the Golden Nugget Hotel and Casino will now be dispensing gold rather than straight-cash-homie from your account … if you have that large of an amount, that is.

“The GOLD to go” machine spits out 24-karat gold bars from 1 to 250 grams. And it can vend gold coins and bars with the Golden Nugget logo. The cost is constantly updated to reflect the ever-changing gold market. A computer inside the ATM keeps up with current prices.

The current cost at the ATM is more than $1,000 per ounce. Easily accessible for everyone. Surely. Oh, and to sweeten the deal, gold can’t be exchanged for chips at the hotel.

Having watched far too much CNN Headlines News over the past decade, I can only hope that the voice of the machine is an unemotional British woman. Or Pete Rose.