Scouts pelt foaming beaver

We know the Boys Scouts of America are aggressively anti-dick, having stripped at least one open homosexual of his Eagle Scout award and their ongoing policy to remove any gay scouts or leaders from their ranks. But, it’s OK because they’re anti-beaver, too.

A 51-year-old scout leader, Normand Brousseau, was minding his own business, swimming in the Delaware River when a frothy, foaming at the mouth beaver swam betwixt his legs and launched a surprise attack, possibly thinking he was packing wood. Brousseau grabbed the rabid beaver and threw it, but beaver was too quick and caught back up, attacking him until he could securely grab it, hold its mouth shut and throw it again, this time ashore.

And, at that point, it was on the Boy Scout’s turf. Members of his troop punished that mouthy beaver old school, Leviticus-style: they stoned it to death.

Animals label us crime, decide to take MacGruff’s advice

I don’t want to worry you too much, but the revolution might be upon us.

It’s not my intent  to alarm you all, but I only speak to you what circumstances might have brought. We’re currently seeing attacks from the tip top of the country in Minnesota to the lowly parts of the country in Arizona. It’s horrible. First, a bat attacked a 5 year old girl. Five. Years. Old. She can’t defend herself! Worse still, it happened in a Walmart, arguably our nation’s greatest contribution to capitalism. This is an affront to our country!

And yet, the evidence of a coordinated attack still looms. In Tempe, Arizona, a woman at a business center went out for a break. She’s earned it and she’s going to spend it with a nice, relaxing smoke to get her nerves back. If only. You see, the poor woman was attacked by a javelina (it’s an overgrown, furry pig) on her break. She now has to be treated for rabies. Potentially, that might consist of 13 shots that she has to take. That pig owes her 15 minutes of her life back.

Despite all this, I do have good news to report. A giant and terribly humongous (at least, in comparison to me) boa was captured, after being on the loose for who knows how long in Albuquerque. That’s one monster that’s been put back into its cage. It’s not all pretty out there in the world, but at least we know that some creatures aren’t out there trying to eat us. For now.

Screw Irene, can we get a Hurricane Sea Lion in this piece?

It’s been awfully wet on the east coast side of the US lately and that all lies at the feet of a lady named Irene. And despite the fact that people may have lost power, become ill from drastic weather changes and been flooded, ultimately, none of that’s important. You see, while all of that hullabaloo went down, a real travesty of nature took place on the west coast of the US, specifically in Venice Beach, California.

A sea lion attacked two people. DUM-DUM DUMMMMMMMM!

An older couple decided to go swimming in the waters Thursday evening, as is their right. It’s a casual dip, what’s to worry about? Outside of terror. The woman was bit on her leg. Those tend to be useful for swimming. Her husband, being a kind and brave soul, swam over to help her. His thanks was being bitten by the marauding sea lion on the head, hands and feet. Again, these parts of the body tend to be useful for swimming. Which they were doing. In the water.

Know this nature: You may think that you can take our attention away from one side of this country in order to initiate an attack. You might think it’s a clever tactic. You might even be proud of it. But we will rise from it. The human race will be survive and be stronger from your attack. We will have vengeance, and a swift and powerful vengeance it will be.

A blog divided

We’ve often heard that war has a way of tearing a person apart, damaging them to their core. We never believed that because the History channel assures us that war is awesome, especially in color and HD.

But, now we’re not sure what’s right anymore. On the one hand, all animals have the potential to be extremists; therefore, they are all the enemy. On the other, today’s story is about bald eagles, and we love America because we love hot dogs, and that’s because hot dogs democratically contain a little of every animal.

So, what do we do when our own national symbol turns on the country that almost killed it off with pesticide?

Next fad: police vs. samurai

Some people don’t like cops, that is a given fact. Normal folks take their violent fantasies of debauchery and vile behavior to Grand Theft Auto style video games, however, one man decided to take his anger out another way. Recently, a young man attacked a police officer with a Japanese samurai sword in central Tokyo in broad daylight. He managed to slice off the left thumb of the officer before he was subdued by other officers. As of now, there is no motive of his actions, he either just wanted to try out his newly purchased sword or he was just a psycho. Whichever the case, he was arrested for attempted murder and possession of, well, you know … a samurai sword. Which is apparently a crime.

The attacker is in his mid-twenties and it seems he isn’t connected to any political organizations. What we do know is the sword had a blade about 70 centimeters long, which is more than enough length to bring ultimate doom to coppers.

Kids, avoid sharp objects, don’t use drugs, stay in school, eat your vegetables and only use the power of a samurai sword for good.

You Missed It: Damn dirty ape edition

This is the really sucky time of year. You’re broke from Valentine’s Day, it’s cold, and the only sports you can watch are those of college (sorry, NHL, you don’t count). We all just need to stick it out a few more weeks until the glory that is St. Patrick’s Day is upon us. So while we’re waiting for that time warp we ordered, here’s something to pass the time.

If you were busy putting out a new license agreement saying you own whatever users upload to your site, then retracting your statement, odds are you missed it.

Oh George, you certainly are a curious little monkey
Like most Americans, Sandra Herold of Stamford, Connecticut had a pet chimpanzee. It was so cute when she got it as a baby. She fed it well, trained it, slept next to it in a bed and even gave it kisses when she left the house. But one day, the chimp turned into a 200-lb. monster. It came out of nowhere. How could anyone see a large, powerful monkey with an owner whose mental stability is questionable be seen as a threat? On Monday, the chimp attacked a woman, nearly killing her. Police had to shoot the monkey. Remember: this could happen to you are your chimp, too.

Sharpton not an ally in the War on Animals
On Wednesday, the New York Post ran a political cartoon making reference to the chimp incident. It showed a dead chimp and two cops with guns, one saying inferring that a monkey had been the one working on the economic stimulus bill. The black community, lead in part by Rev. Al Sharpton, saw this as a racially insensitive cartoon. Because, you know, sensitivity is what we have all come to expect from a splashy tabloid like the Post.

Worst case: One could end up elected governor
A report from the military warned of giving machines too much killing power and autonomy this week. The U.S. Office of Naval Research report says that if we giving killing machines too much automated power, we could risk a machine mutiny and subsequent war against the human race. The report stressed extensive testing before unleashing any new robot weapons into the field, adding, “Dude, that new Terminator movie coming out this summer looks sa-weet!!!”