We’ve never asked for anything before

Good day, dear reader. (Yes, you.) Do you enjoy the SeriouslyGuys Web site, including features like “Ask Dr. Snee,” serifed headlines and a jarringly bleak background?

SG is a non-profit company–as in we’ve never made a profit off of our merch–and we’re mostly OK with that. But, you have an opportunity to help us not only continue our ongoing coverage of the War on Animals, but maybe even kick it up a notch. This is up for auction right now:

This is Umed Singh II’s 1925 Rolls-Royce Phantom. It was custom-built for hunting tigers with “a double-barreled shotgun, spotlights for night hunting and a mountable Lantaka cannon.” It is our Batmobile, if Batman made love to his car’s jet engine every night. And, most importantly, it will help us compete with the new Whale Wars spinoff in Denmark.

We just need $1 million. We will pay you back in tiger testicles.

Last one to die gets to keep it

Marilyn Monroe’s iconic white dress from The Seven Year Itch was auctioned on Saturday. It was sold for $4.6 million to an undisclosed collector.

We wish we could tell you more about the buyer except that a future “McBournie Minute” will complain about the hilarious unexpected pitfalls of splitting ownership of a fancy dress with three other Guys when there are seven days in a week.

Also: never actually wear a dress from a movie called “The Seven Year Itch.” Day One’s been a doozy all to itself.

[Insert trite line from Good Will Hunting here]

Every week, I buy 5 apples at the grocery store. Sometimes they’re Fujis, sometimes they’re Galas. Truth told, they’re usually whatever is the cheapest that’s on sale. I have one everyday from Monday through Friday. It costs me, on average, around 2 dollars.

On November 13th, a box of Esashi apples were auctioned off in Iwate Prefecture for 1 million yen, or $12,130.

A box of apples.

Sold for over twelve grand. We’ll wait for you to stop gaping at the screen.

It’s not unheard of to hear about some of the Japanese paying outrageous prices for “designer” fruit, such as square shaped “space efficient” watermelons, but regular apples? This is nuts. It’s not as if there were even a lot of them! The box only had 28 pieces of fruit in it!

Apparently it was the first auction of the season, and the high prices were due to buyers wanting the “prestige” of claiming the first box sold. Prestige? There’s bragging rights for buying apples?

Can you imagine the terror?

The FBI has uncovered new evidence in their apparently ongoing case against former Beetle and current dead guy, John Lennon! The Bureau swept in and confiscated a copy of his fingerprints before they could be auctioned off, preventing them from falling into the wrong hands.

What would the FBI need Lennon’s fingerprints for? Perhaps they can finally pin him to several of the cases¬† they weren’t investigating him for in the 1970s. Or maybe there are secret messages in the swirls and loops to hidden Beetle cells throughout the world.

That’s right: John Lennon might just wage peace from beyond the grave!

Get a map of yourself for just a fortune or two

Everyone of us wants to own something special, but now people with$68,000 lying around can get something that took over a decade to make: the human genome.

More importantly, you could have your genome mapped. This is important, especially if you’ve been wondering how many times you can find “CAT” in yourself. The bidding to have your genome mapped begins soon, and of course, the starting bid is $68,000, but let’s assume that it’s going to end up several hundred thousand higher than that by the end.

You want to own yourself, don’t you?

Filthy and satanic D&D nerds not welcome in pews

So, earlier in the year, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, Gary Gygax passed away. His memory was honored by super-duper geekfest GenCon, who raised over $17,000 in an auction for Gygax’s favorite charity, the Christian Children’s Foundation. Irony was probably not lost on Gygax. What is lost? The money, as the CCF has decided to refuse the money.

Why? Because the money was raised with the sale of D&D merchandise.

You see, because the money came from a gaming convention, it would disrupt their principles. The group is claiming that this is about the “integrity” of its name, which it says it won’t lend to events it had no hand in.

Oh dear. There’s sticking to your principles, and then there’s just … well, quite frankly, there’s myopia.

It’s not what you have, it’s what you don’t have that makes you rich

Capitalism strikes again! A 22-year old San Diegoan (loosely translated into “a 22-year old whale’s vaginan”) wants to auction her virginity to pay for her college eduction. (She’s going for a doctorate in marriage and family therapy.) Well, if it’s one night in Reno vs. 10 years of student loan payments, that’s a pretty tough call to make. Of course, potential buyers are encouraged to supply their own ’89 Corolla.