Doesn’t he wrestle sharks like a Welshman?

Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor's orders by going viral.
Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor’s orders by going viral.

Paul Marshallsea was given simple directions by his doctor: to take some time off of work due to stress. And how did he choose to spend his time recuperating from stress? By going to Australia, home of the world’s most dangerous everything, and when that wasn’t enough, swimming away from the venom-soaked continent to wrestle a shark.

So, it only makes sense that the charity for which he works, the Pant and Dowlais Boys & Girls Club, fired him. When you use time off to rescue someone other country’s kids from a shark, that’s called moonlighting, Mr. Marshallsea.

And in parallel news, the shark was fired by his entire species for “violating the confidence and trust in him and his ability to perform the role” of devouring Australians.

You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

Who would’ve thought that a case of mistaken identity could be so profitable?

When I’ve done a Google search for my name, it usually comes up with the artwork of a 90’s era comic book artist or some internet guy (not me, though).

Somehow, that’s still marginally better than being confused with a major crime lord. Marginally, even in Australia.

“Take. Eat. This is my bo-OW!”

We don’t like to read a lot into religion here at SG (we are, after all, Seventh Day Southern Orthodox Snake Unitarians), but that said, we think that the Sacrament of Holy Eucharist is fairly straight-forward. It’s a representative act, not something that should be taken literally.

Leave it to Australia to mess things up.

Two octogenarian priests in the land down under got into a bit of a scuffle (because OY!, that’s why) that resulted in the younger of the pair biting an ear off his elder. Now, we’re not going to jump to the conclusion that one of the priests is a zombie (at least, one initially, now it’s a pair) NO, WAIT, THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.

The high cost of sex

Fornication is not free. When two people fornicate, the price will be high as there is always a cost. The better, the higher the price. The worse, the even higher the price. The freer, the highest of prices.

And, the louder, the higher. To the tune of roughly 4 grand in Australian funny money. Also, the male partner in the pairing will probably throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

“It is mostly Jessie,” [Colin MacKenzie] said.

“Hey baby, don’t be mad, it’s a … uh … compliment. Yeah, that’s it. A compliment!”

It’s only the coolest thing to do now

Dine and dash? Bah, that’s so boring. It’s hardly even appropriate to do if you’re at one of the premiere skyscraper eateries? Why, only invent what’s sure to be THE most trendy act of the season: drink and drop.

Four men, all clad in suits, met up for a drink at the bar at the Rialto Towers. The bar happens to be located on the 55th floor of the building, which has 56 floors. After pounding their drinks, rather than pay for them or order more, the lads promptly vamoosed to the bathroom, where they then jumped off the balcony in base jumping gear. Because it was the only rational thing to do.

Allegedly, Christian Duguay has locked up the story for what’s sure to be his next extreme movie blockbuster.

What to get for the monarch who has everything

Did you wait until the last minute to get something for that special someone this Valentine’s Day, and all that’s left in stores are the inflammatory cards and diabetic chocolates? Well, there’s one grand gesture you could make, and it only costs a mere £510 ($800 U.S.): mooning the Queen.

Australian barman, Liam Warriner, mooned Queen Elizabeth II during her October visit to Australia. He ran alongside her motorcade — bare-assed — for 50 yards, clutching an Australian flag between his buttocks the entire time. Warriner told police that he did it to protest elitism, but that athletic performance definitely ranks him in the elite.

IOC, make the pants-less 50 yard butt relay an Olympic event now!

Australian myths come in all forms

Most people above the age of 18 have heard the phrase “Dingo ate cho’ bay-bay!?” And why not? It’s a hilarious stereotype that only offends the people of the most deadly continent that’s primarily set out to destroy everyone that sets foot on it.

But apparently, these stereotypes evolve.

In the 80’s and early 90’s, the phrase was “dingo ate cho’ baby-baby!”; however, nowadays the phrase should clearly be “wallaby ate cho’ sen-yuh citzens!” Because thanks to a careless family, fiction was nearly made reality. We can read between the lines, America.

Everything will kill you

Scientists in Australia (yeah, that’s funny for us to say too) have come out with a new study (it must be that time of the month) proclaiming that, for those of us after the first quarter of our life, for every hour that you spend watching television, you become approximately 21 to 22 minutes closer to death. Mind you, this closer to simply sitting around being the problem rather than just television, but the comparison to cigarettes is of course made in the study.

As such, SG would like to bring to mind other things that will kill you:

  • Bears
  • Transvestite sharks
  • The ire of a drunken baboon
  • A rabid wheel of cheese that has been infused with gamma radiation
  • Tom from Myspace if you mention Mark from Facebook
  • Nickelback

The Aussies just don’t get it

There are a lot of front lines in the War on Animals. But, if there’s one front line that’s slightly frontier than the rest, it’s the one down under.

We thought Australia was our ally, but it turns out they’ve been feeding the enemy: a 5.5 meter (over 18 foot) long crocodile named Brutus. The dinosaur routinely finds the boat during its tours and leaps out of the water for dangling food.

What the Aussies don’t realize is that they’ve set off a chain of events that only a nuke from orbit can stop. Everyone knows that if you give a crocodile a chunk of buffalo meat, he’ll ask for your next of kin.