Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.
Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.
And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.
So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!
Here in the U.S., and in countries around the world that try to be America, it’s Christmastime–a sacred holiday filled with celebrating Jesus’ birth by asking people to buy you things. So as we celebrate by binge drinking with friends and family in tacky sweaters, let’s not forget to remain on our guards.
A woman in Melbourne, Australia found a deadly tiger snake slithering in her Christmas tree yesterday. No doubt the snake was there to give the gift of its venom to all the good boys and girls. The woman reportedly called an animal handler, then made herself a cup of tea and watched the thing act like scaly garland in her tree.
The snake was caught, and luckily no humans were harmed. We have no word on whether the snake will live to see Christmas.
We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.
It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.
So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.
Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.
Have you ever wondered what kind of music sharks like? If so, you’re probably not very much fun at the beach, but you’re not alone.
According to a new book, the behavior of sharks can be seen to change when AC/DC is played for them. An Australian charter boat captain said he noticed that when he played certain selections from his music collection, AC/DC in particular, the sharks beneath his ship would calm down. A neuroscientist says this is likely because the sharks are attracted to the low pulsing sounds found in the band’s music. But he also said AC/DC was heavy metal, so take it with a grain of salt.
It was also discovered that sharks really want Brian Johnson to lead the band again.
If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.
The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.
Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.
We’d like to say that it seems like only yesterday that the War on Animals because, but it hasn’t. It’s been a long war, and we’re far from done. But 10 years ago today was where it began.
As with so many other wars throughout history, this one began in Australia. People upset over the assassination of Steve Irwin decided to fight back against stingrays. We learned our lesson for being too lenient with the creatures of the Earth, and finally realized it was time to wipe them all out.
Our fight continues today. We will fight on, for this is a fight we can win, and a fight worth fighting. With animals eliminated, we will make the world safer for mankind. Please take a moment today and look back on the victories and defeats that have led us here.
The machines know that not all of us will accept them right away. Some of us will need to be convinced. Now they’re getting serious.
In Australia, Domino’s is going to start delivering pizza by robot. Coming soon, Aussies can order a pizza and wait for this Mars rover looking thing show up at their doors with food hot and ready to go. It’s not clear what the next stage of the robots’ plan is after that.
But rest assured, they will find out where you live, and they will buy your trust. Then they will betray you.
Having brought us dorky fuel-efficient cars, handheld devices for watching porn in the bathroom and pasteurization, scientists are now seeking to destroy what little magic is left in this world. After years of conjecture linking mysterious red, sandy circles in the Namibian desert and Australia to the possibility of dragons, aliens or even very hungry caterpillars, science his driven a boring stake into our hearts. It turns out that fairy circles are just how plants do.
Nope, no fairies. Nor unicorn Fight Club rings. Not mole people who can’t replant the grass behind them after burrowing back to Moletown. Not even termites. It’s just plants “self-organizing” — and if our bedrooms are any proof, nothing kills the mood like organization.
But, if it makes you feel any better, scientists are at least advocating that you take a nap every day, no matter what your jerk boss says. Just don’t expect an interesting, magical story before hand.