The high cost of sex

Fornication is not free. When two people fornicate, the price will be high as there is always a cost. The better, the higher the price. The worse, the even higher the price. The freer, the highest of prices.

And, the louder, the higher. To the tune of roughly 4 grand in Australian funny money. Also, the male partner in the pairing will probably throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

“It is mostly Jessie,” [Colin MacKenzie] said.

“Hey baby, don’t be mad, it’s a … uh … compliment. Yeah, that’s it. A compliment!”

It’s only the coolest thing to do now

Dine and dash? Bah, that’s so boring. It’s hardly even appropriate to do if you’re at one of the premiere skyscraper eateries? Why, only invent what’s sure to be THE most trendy act of the season: drink and drop.

Four men, all clad in suits, met up for a drink at the bar at the Rialto Towers. The bar happens to be located on the 55th floor of the building, which has 56 floors. After pounding their drinks, rather than pay for them or order more, the lads promptly vamoosed to the bathroom, where they then jumped off the balcony in base jumping gear. Because it was the only rational thing to do.

Allegedly, Christian Duguay has locked up the story for what’s sure to be his next extreme movie blockbuster.

What to get for the monarch who has everything

Did you wait until the last minute to get something for that special someone this Valentine’s Day, and all that’s left in stores are the inflammatory cards and diabetic chocolates? Well, there’s one grand gesture you could make, and it only costs a mere £510 ($800 U.S.): mooning the Queen.

Australian barman, Liam Warriner, mooned Queen Elizabeth II during her October visit to Australia. He ran alongside her motorcade — bare-assed — for 50 yards, clutching an Australian flag between his buttocks the entire time. Warriner told police that he did it to protest elitism, but that athletic performance definitely ranks him in the elite.

IOC, make the pants-less 50 yard butt relay an Olympic event now!

Australian myths come in all forms

Most people above the age of 18 have heard the phrase “Dingo ate cho’ bay-bay!?” And why not? It’s a hilarious stereotype that only offends the people of the most deadly continent that’s primarily set out to destroy everyone that sets foot on it.

But apparently, these stereotypes evolve.

In the 80’s and early 90’s, the phrase was “dingo ate cho’ baby-baby!”; however, nowadays the phrase should clearly be “wallaby ate cho’ sen-yuh citzens!” Because thanks to a careless family, fiction was nearly made reality. We can read between the lines, America.

Everything will kill you

Scientists in Australia (yeah, that’s funny for us to say too) have come out with a new study (it must be that time of the month) proclaiming that, for those of us after the first quarter of our life, for every hour that you spend watching television, you become approximately 21 to 22 minutes closer to death. Mind you, this closer to simply sitting around being the problem rather than just television, but the comparison to cigarettes is of course made in the study.

As such, SG would like to bring to mind other things that will kill you:

  • Bears
  • Transvestite sharks
  • The ire of a drunken baboon
  • A rabid wheel of cheese that has been infused with gamma radiation
  • Tom from Myspace if you mention Mark from Facebook
  • Nickelback

The Aussies just don’t get it

There are a lot of front lines in the War on Animals. But, if there’s one front line that’s slightly frontier than the rest, it’s the one down under.

We thought Australia was our ally, but it turns out they’ve been feeding the enemy: a 5.5 meter (over 18 foot) long crocodile named Brutus. The dinosaur routinely finds the boat during its tours and leaps out of the water for dangling food.

What the Aussies don’t realize is that they’ve set off a chain of events that only a nuke from orbit can stop. Everyone knows that if you give a crocodile a chunk of buffalo meat, he’ll ask for your next of kin.

Cat fight in Australia

Oh Australia, you’re so cute! Here in the U.S., we have real problems to discuss, like wars, a lax economy and whether or not a member of Congress tweeted a crotch pic to a woman. In Australia, they deal with such quaint things like meowing at each other.

Australian Finance Minister Penny Wong was speaking at a hearing when a senator meowed at her. Wong got upset with blokes for what apparently is a sexist comment in the Down Land Under (or some combination of those words), saying that the senator would not have meowed if it had been a man testifying. The senator later apologized via Twitter.

Woof.

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”

An itsby-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polkadot blasphemy

Conservative Hindus took to the streets and courthouses to protest an Australian fashion designer’s new bikini. They are flag-burningly upset that designer Lisa Blue used an image of Laxmi, the Hindu goddess of wealth, on crotch and boob patches. And, they are also upset at The Hindustan Times for allowing them to be outraged by showing the pictures that got them aflutter in the first place.

Now, if only our religious conservatives here in the U.S. would raise the same ruckus against flag and Jesus shirts every time they were aired on Fox News.

It’s a golden age for the Australian food industry

In Australia, you can now build a whole meal around cannabis. It’s being reported that ice cream, cake and beer made with pot have been given the green light in spite of fears that the “marijuana munchies” could trigger their own red light. Isn’t that just a fantastic name: “the marijuana munchies.” Nothing says panic like terms out of the roaring twenties.

The decision results from an appeal by Andrew Katelaris, a former doctor who was de-registered for supplying medical marijuana to patients, who said,

“Our vision is that anything you can do with soy beans or dairy you can do better with hemp seed.”

In fact, Food Standards Australia New Zealand found that industrial hemp contained such low levels of the psychedelic ingredient known as THC that no one eating food containing it would feel the effect. FSZNZ even went as far as to say that “hemp seed is nutritious food containing sizeable amounts of protein, polyunsaturated fats and dietary fiber.”

The best news about this? Maybe hemp advocates will stop making those ugly macrame bags and turn their attention to food. But honestly, I won’t lose any sleep if they go with just the former.