Everything will kill you

Scientists in Australia (yeah, that’s funny for us to say too) have come out with a new study (it must be that time of the month) proclaiming that, for those of us after the first quarter of our life, for every hour that you spend watching television, you become approximately 21 to 22 minutes closer to death. Mind you, this closer to simply sitting around being the problem rather than just television, but the comparison to cigarettes is of course made in the study.

As such, SG would like to bring to mind other things that will kill you:

  • Bears
  • Transvestite sharks
  • The ire of a drunken baboon
  • A rabid wheel of cheese that has been infused with gamma radiation
  • Tom from Myspace if you mention Mark from Facebook
  • Nickelback

The Aussies just don’t get it

There are a lot of front lines in the War on Animals. But, if there’s one front line that’s slightly frontier than the rest, it’s the one down under.

We thought Australia was our ally, but it turns out they’ve been feeding the enemy: a 5.5 meter (over 18 foot) long crocodile named Brutus. The dinosaur routinely finds the boat during its tours and leaps out of the water for dangling food.

What the Aussies don’t realize is that they’ve set off a chain of events that only a nuke from orbit can stop. Everyone knows that if you give a crocodile a chunk of buffalo meat, he’ll ask for your next of kin.

Cat fight in Australia

Oh Australia, you’re so cute! Here in the U.S., we have real problems to discuss, like wars, a lax economy and whether or not a member of Congress tweeted a crotch pic to a woman. In Australia, they deal with such quaint things like meowing at each other.

Australian Finance Minister Penny Wong was speaking at a hearing when a senator meowed at her. Wong got upset with blokes for what apparently is a sexist comment in the Down Land Under (or some combination of those words), saying that the senator would not have meowed if it had been a man testifying. The senator later apologized via Twitter.

Woof.

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”

An itsby-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polkadot blasphemy

Conservative Hindus took to the streets and courthouses to protest an Australian fashion designer’s new bikini. They are flag-burningly upset that designer Lisa Blue used an image of Laxmi, the Hindu goddess of wealth, on crotch and boob patches. And, they are also upset at The Hindustan Times for allowing them to be outraged by showing the pictures that got them aflutter in the first place.

Now, if only our religious conservatives here in the U.S. would raise the same ruckus against flag and Jesus shirts every time they were aired on Fox News.

It’s a golden age for the Australian food industry

In Australia, you can now build a whole meal around cannabis. It’s being reported that ice cream, cake and beer made with pot have been given the green light in spite of fears that the “marijuana munchies” could trigger their own red light. Isn’t that just a fantastic name: “the marijuana munchies.” Nothing says panic like terms out of the roaring twenties.

The decision results from an appeal by Andrew Katelaris, a former doctor who was de-registered for supplying medical marijuana to patients, who said,

“Our vision is that anything you can do with soy beans or dairy you can do better with hemp seed.”

In fact, Food Standards Australia New Zealand found that industrial hemp contained such low levels of the psychedelic ingredient known as THC that no one eating food containing it would feel the effect. FSZNZ even went as far as to say that “hemp seed is nutritious food containing sizeable amounts of protein, polyunsaturated fats and dietary fiber.”

The best news about this? Maybe hemp advocates will stop making those ugly macrame bags and turn their attention to food. But honestly, I won’t lose any sleep if they go with just the former.

Tackling drivers, drugs and Keanu Reeves movies

It may not be as crass as Topeka, Kansas’ attempt to get faster Internet by changing its name to “Google,” but town of Speed is definitely putting in the effort.

Speed, Australia, will change its name to “Speedkills” for the month of March to promote a driver safety campaign against exceeding the posted speed limit. Phil Reed, head of community relations at the Transport Accident Commission, hopes it will convince people that speeding should be considered “(as) socially unacceptable as drink driving.”

We won’t know if the campaign made an impact until April when the statistics come in, but we do know that the local “football” team’s gonna love their temporary new name.

It’s Nutella, not Healthtella

Nutella, that hazelnut and chocolate spread from Australia, tends to be a fairly tasty food paste. Slap it on a sandwich with some peanut butter (fact: peanut butter makes everything better, so suck it people allergic to nuts) and you’ve got a tasty sammich. Slide some on a warm biscuit and you’ve got another tasty breakfast treat (or a treat that’s good anytime in the day, as I live in the south). But never should you, or would you, assume that it’s 100 percent the healthiest thing ever. I mean, it’s partially made from chocolate-you’re not gonna replace a grilled fish and pineapple salad with it.

But, as this is America, home of the frivolous lawsuit, that’s never stopped anyone from being dumb enough to feel that their ads calling it a tasty yet balanced breakfast are misleading.

Boars, thrills in Germany

Slices of a boar that went buck-wild in a Hoehr-Grenzhausen butcher shop are up for sale. The boar pushed through the door of the shop, scared away a customer and inflicted 5000 Euros-worth of damage before having the bad form to bleed all over the floor.

As if that weren’t enough, Munich’s train station had a naked Australian infestation. The Sydney Streaker was foiled by a wet floor and slipped even though the stick figure on the caution sign was also not wearing any clothes. It just shows that you can’t dress up stupid.

You should’ve seen the preferred version

Please note: this headline might be considered Not Safe For Work.

Also note: we’re not really sure we’d like to know if there’s a wanted version to be found.

Also note 2-Electric Boogaloo: Since this took place in Australia, isn’t it called a didgeridoo instead?