Lifteths and separateths thy bossoms

Archaeologists have found what are now the earliest bras in human history. They date back to the 15th Century and were found in the remains of Lengberg Castle in eastern Tyrol, Austria. And when we say “bra,” we mean it: two distinct cups and and lacy embroidering that’s only visible when Heidi Klumming it all over the house.

This changes pretty much everything we know about medieval times and fancy knickers, especially since we originally thought the bra wasn’t invented until 1913.

Unless they aren’t bras, in which case they could be cowls for those two-headed eagles everyone kept drawing back then.

Austria officially crazy and lonely

Warning: video starts on the link, it can be paused.

We don’t care much for animals. They’re not nearly as subservient as they should be and worst of all, many of them attack us at a chemical level.

Unfortunately, Austria may have decided to become species traitors by combining both traits into one neat location. The country has allowed Cafe Neko to be opened in Vienna. Cafe Neko is a cat cafe. In other words, it’s a place that allows patrons to interact with cats while they eat.

We at SG don’t exactly understand why people might want to have cat hair in their food. It’s puzzling to us and would probably lead to a Google search that will only end in nightmares.

Chuck Norris to join Slovakia and Austria, no survivors expected

Ever wonder where all those Chuck Norris jokes went after the Internet was finished with them? Eastern Europe. And once a meme goes Eastern European, it doesn’t matter how hard Blizzard (makers of World of Warcraft) tries to bring them back — you don’t want it.

That said, would the Slovaks please, please, please take our “How [blank] sees [blank] …” meme? We’ll throw in Caturday in exchange for some of your finest avant-garde movie posters.

Flying Spaghetti Monster is his buddy

And now, time for something … debatable?

An Austrian atheist, possibly bothered by either religious tolerance or religious carte blanche given out by his country, has had enough! His limit has been reached and he won’t take it anymore! It’s time for a protest!

And as we all know, all protests are made successful through the use of pasta strainers.

And by use, I mean wear.

Niko Alm first applied for the licence three years ago after reading that headgear was allowed in official pictures only for confessional reasons. Mr Alm said the sieve was a requirement of his religion, pastafarianism. [emphasis ours]

There’s been no word on whether Alm can cook a mean rigatoni or not.

The dead need to keep the lights on like everyone else

It’s been a while since we heard from the undead. Perhaps they don’t like the heat, or perhaps all this talk of vampires and werewolves has overshadowed the threat they pose.

Let’s go to Vienna, Austria, where the scourge has returned. A woman Christine died, just ask the power company, but she refused to stay that way. This zombie was so brazen, she even faxed and emailed the utility claiming that she was not the one who died.

Sadly, the company turned the power back on. I guess they think zombie money is as good as anyone else’s.

You know who else had a wishlist?

One of 31 albums of artwork that Adolf Hitler wanted will be returned to Germany in January. The album is a collection of photographs of artwork that Hitler hoped to collect for his Führermuseum in Linz, Austria.

The album was taken by John Pistone at the end of World War II when he entered Hitler’s home in the Bavarian Alps in 1945, which is surprising when you consider that of all the souvenirs he could have grabbed–weapons, uniforms or cloning vials–he choose a 12-pound picture book.

If only there were Baby Tylenol …

Salieri betrayed Shiva.

For years, we’ve wondered why–WHY!?–God took Mozart away from us so early. Imagine if he had lived longer: the works he could have still written, the crossover into other genres, the inevitable greatest hits album and maybe even a concert with the greatest band of all time, The Monkees.

Alas! No, he died–he died!–like all the brilliant ones do, at home with a “miliary fever.” (This must be Austrian for “couldn’t breathe his vomit.”)

But, is this the whole story? According to a Dutch study, he may have contracted the strep throat that was going around in Vienna in the winter of 1791. No big deal, right?

Wrong. In an unlikely twist, as the strep gripped his throat, it caused a complication in–of all places–his liver. QED, b@$%hes. That’s one dead Wolfgang.

So it was murder!

Rogue nation: Spain

From our sister blog HombresSeriamentes.com: The Spanish government is clearly out of its head these days. The Spanish Parliament is pondering a resolution that would give apes and gorillas basic legal rights. The resolution is expected to pass next year.

Yes, the rogue nation of Spain might be seeking to give our enemies the right to life, freedom from “arbitrary captivity” and freedom from torture. How are we going to get any information about of them if we can’t torture and imprison them? Not to mention, since when do we afford our enemies the same rights that we give ourselves? The Geneva Convention does not apply to non-humans.

Where is Francisco Franco when you need him?

The story also mentions that species traitor Matthew Hiasl Pan, a chimp from Austria, whom we have covered before that thinks it is human. The chimp’s lawyers have appealed to the European Court of Human Rights. Should the beast win the appeal, it would mean all of Europe would have to recognize basic human chimp rights. Next they would want to vote.