Have a beer to boost creativity, researchers say

Don’t you hate it when you’ve had a few drinks, then you come up with a great idea but forget to write it down? From now on, you should have a paper and pencil with you, because drinking helps you brainstorm.

According to scientists in Austria, having a pint of beer or glass of wine makes you think in more creative ways. That means you should lobby your boss to allow drinking in the office so you can be a better problem solver. We recommend first getting your boss a little drunk first. You know, so he or she is thinking more creatively..

The test also showed that alcohol wrecks basically all your non-creative thinking, and especially your concentration. But you didn’t have the attention span to read this far down, anyway.

British ambassador escapes wild boar attack

When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.

In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.

Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.

It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.

Nobody panic: 400 gnomes have gone missing

Austrian politics aren’t like American politics. They’re just not.

The country’s Socialist party put up garden gnomes that look like they want a fist bump around lamp posts ahead of elections in western Austria. These things also look to me about two and a half feet tall, just to add extra creepiness. And then, someone stole them.

A total of 400 gnomes, valued at $4,000 combined, have been stolen. Either that, or they came to live and walked away.

Lifteths and separateths thy bossoms

Archaeologists have found what are now the earliest bras in human history. They date back to the 15th Century and were found in the remains of Lengberg Castle in eastern Tyrol, Austria. And when we say “bra,” we mean it: two distinct cups and and lacy embroidering that’s only visible when Heidi Klumming it all over the house.

This changes pretty much everything we know about medieval times and fancy knickers, especially since we originally thought the bra wasn’t invented until 1913.

Unless they aren’t bras, in which case they could be cowls for those two-headed eagles everyone kept drawing back then.

Austria officially crazy and lonely

Warning: video starts on the link, it can be paused.

We don’t care much for animals. They’re not nearly as subservient as they should be and worst of all, many of them attack us at a chemical level.

Unfortunately, Austria may have decided to become species traitors by combining both traits into one neat location. The country has allowed Cafe Neko to be opened in Vienna. Cafe Neko is a cat cafe. In other words, it’s a place that allows patrons to interact with cats while they eat.

We at SG don’t exactly understand why people might want to have cat hair in their food. It’s puzzling to us and would probably lead to a Google search that will only end in nightmares.

Chuck Norris to join Slovakia and Austria, no survivors expected

Ever wonder where all those Chuck Norris jokes went after the Internet was finished with them? Eastern Europe. And once a meme goes Eastern European, it doesn’t matter how hard Blizzard (makers of World of Warcraft) tries to bring them back — you don’t want it.

That said, would the Slovaks please, please, please take our “How [blank] sees [blank] …” meme? We’ll throw in Caturday in exchange for some of your finest avant-garde movie posters.

Flying Spaghetti Monster is his buddy

And now, time for something … debatable?

An Austrian atheist, possibly bothered by either religious tolerance or religious carte blanche given out by his country, has had enough! His limit has been reached and he won’t take it anymore! It’s time for a protest!

And as we all know, all protests are made successful through the use of pasta strainers.

And by use, I mean wear.

Niko Alm first applied for the licence three years ago after reading that headgear was allowed in official pictures only for confessional reasons. Mr Alm said the sieve was a requirement of his religion, pastafarianism. [emphasis ours]

There’s been no word on whether Alm can cook a mean rigatoni or not.

The dead need to keep the lights on like everyone else

It’s been a while since we heard from the undead. Perhaps they don’t like the heat, or perhaps all this talk of vampires and werewolves has overshadowed the threat they pose.

Let’s go to Vienna, Austria, where the scourge has returned. A woman Christine died, just ask the power company, but she refused to stay that way. This zombie was so brazen, she even faxed and emailed the utility claiming that she was not the one who died.

Sadly, the company turned the power back on. I guess they think zombie money is as good as anyone else’s.