Tag: auto industry

Friends don’t let friends buy Saturn

Their junked fleet will probably biodegrade slower than other cars because of their plastic panel sides.

GM announced on Wednesday that it will shut down their Saturn line. The decision was made after Saturn’s potential buyer, Penske Automotive Group, came to their senses after this alleged conversation with their friends:

Penske: So, I’m seriously thinking about buying a new car.

Friend: Yeah? What kind?

Penske: A Saturn.

Friend: A … Saturn? Really? Why?

Penske: Well, they’ve been having trouble lately and it’s important to buy American … auto industry failing … Detroit … Lions embarassment to football and whatever the Redskins play …

Friend: You know there are other American car brands out there? You know that, right? That aren’t Saturn?

Penske: Yeah … it was just, you know, an idea …

WE DID IT: WE SAVED THE US AUTO INDUSTRY!

Still-president George Bush has granted $17.4 billion to GM and Chrysler. Ford was apparently told to suck it. (The Bushman is a huge fan of Degeneration X.)

To thank us, the taxpayers who funded their bailout, GM and Chrysler executives have announced that we will all receive a brand new 2009 Corvette.

That’s one for all 301,139,247* of us. To be fair, though, only 242,677,887 of us — at most — are eligible to drive it.

*Source: The CIA World Factbook, December 18, 2008.

The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

For the past several weeks, Congress has been handing out money like candy on Halloween. (Technically, it’s been doing this since 1787, but let’s stick to today.) Banks, car manufacturers and the banks again have put on their best costumes and knocked on Congress’ door. Lawmakers have been only too happy to give what the executives want, mostly because they look so cute in their little outfits.

Since the Congressional lottery continues, I have come up with a few other things that are worth of billion-dollar bailouts. Should I ever be called to testify, I would be happy to make my case. Until then, this new device, this series of tubes will have to do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts