Attempted Axe murderer on the loose!

According to this grainy footage, Axe users are notorious lady-killers.
According to this grainy footage, Axe users are notorious lady-killers.

An attempted Axe murderer is on the loose in Freedom High School in Bethlehem, Pa. At least one student was hospitalized after inhaling the assailant’s copiously applied Axe Body Spray.

Unilever, the Axe maker in question, denies any culpability in the attack, saying they’ve always encouraged responsible Axe uses and safety. There will always be Axe in high schools, malls and movie theaters, they admit, but users can report issues to “our Consumer Services Team at our 800 phone number, which is available on the back of our product packaging.”

No arrests have been made at this time, but authorities have asked all students to leave their Axe at home for the time being. Axe-free school zones, however, will not stop the attacks, though. Everyone knows that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with Axe … is a good guy with Axe. Or Tag. Or Bod.

Your girlfriend smells awesome, bro

Axe Body Spray, which cornered the market on making young men smell like Italians, announced a new spray for women: Anarchy. The advertisement (viewable in the link) maintains Axe’s standard of sensitivity towards women by not explicitly stating that it’s for the vaginal regions.

Personally, we hope to see mirrors of their original ads in which a young woman applies Axe (not necessarily into her baby hole) and is chased down and tackled by a group of young, fratish men. Maybe they’ll do that for their next line of women’s spray, Axe: The Accused.

You’re under arrest, stinky

You remember the smelly kid in your class, right? Maybe they didn’t shower everyday. Or they ran six-miles through the snow, uphill both ways, to get to school a-reekin’. Perhaps they bought the wrong surplus army boots.

In any case, one Minnesota lawmaker has had enough. State Rep. Karen Clark (D) introduced a bill on Monday to launch an awareness campaign on how bad kids stink there.

We had a similar program back in high school. It was called, “Think fast, stinky!

In related news: apparently Axe body spray does not attract teachers and lady legislators. Looks like Unilever (the company that makes Axe) has finally discovered cougar repellant.