Scientists, Imogen Heap design baby mind control

Babies are sociopaths. They are concerned with nothing but their own needs and desires, and they will emotionally manipulate adults any way they can to get what they want. But what if we could manipulate them right back? Science finally has the answer.

Researchers teamed up with Grammy winner Imogen Heap to create a song that would absolutely make babies smile or laugh. From previous work, the scientists knew that babies preferred uptempo music, and a female singer, because babies are sexist. Heap recorded a few different melodies and a test group of babies clearly preferred one of them. The next step was adding the right words. This meant including words with plosive sounds (made by B’s, P’s, etc.) because that’s what the kids are into these days.

The end result got an overwhelmingly positive response from the test babies. We have now created a song that will make them laugh — or did they trick us into making music they like?

Listen if you don’t mind songs stuck in your head.

The shot heard ’round the nursery

This is not a good baby with a gun. This is a thug holding a gun gangsta-style, which seems impossible since gangsta rap ended 20 years before he was born.
This is not a good baby with a gun. This is a thug holding a gun gangsta-style, which seems impossible since gangsta rap ended 20 years before he was born.

It is official: we are at war with babies.

Like in World War II, we didn’t want to go to war, but babies — toddlers, specifically — have awoken an already sleepy giant. They’ve now shot 23 of the giants who feed them this year alone, and we’re not even halfway through 2016!

We know that it’s the job of the upcoming generation to replace the one that came before them, but dammit, babies, couldn’t you even wait until you finish teething before taking us out?

The sad part is that we knew we couldn’t trust babies because they’ll accept prizes from “bad guys.” Little did we know that those bad guys would be us, and they’d be accepting our guns. Personally, we blame Idaho for arming babies in the first place.

Science: Babies are corrupt

Never trust a baby. We all know that they are lazy, whiny and unfit for civilized society, but now it turns out that they’re corrupt.

According to a new study, everyone has their price–even babies. Researchers at Yale found that children as young as 12 months will accept things from “bad guys” provided they are offering enough. Every baby weighs the benefits and risks of accepting a prize from a “bad guy” over a “good guy,” and if you offer them enough, they will totally do the wrong thing.

These babies are morally corrupt from the start. And they want to be leaders one day?

Idaho wants babies to own guns

Who could say no to this face -- when it's pointing a gun at you?
Who could say no to this face — when it’s pointing a gun at you?

Toddlers — they’re short, they’re lazy, and they won’t shut up about all the meaningless stuff that pops into their heads. But are they adults? Idaho thinks they might be.

The Idaho of Representatives just passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to possess a firearm. Some of you might be saying, “That doesn’t seem so bad, parents should be able to share a hobby with their kids.” However the bill, as it’s written, has no minimum age on who can carry a pistol. That means that if the Idaho Senate passes the bill, babies could legally carry handguns. And we’re not even to the worst part.

The bill addresses handguns only, and requires an adult be present at all times — but the intent of the bill is to bring state laws on pistols into line with those on rifles and shotguns. That’s right, it’s legal for a toddler in Idaho can carry a shotgun provided they are actually strong enough to carry it.

Running for two

Long-distance runners are crazy. They readily admit this. They keep moving for hours on end and deny themselves the best tasting foods to improve their times. They don’t seem to mind when their toenails fall off and their feet are mostly blisters. (They’re also not into footies.)

But a Minnesota woman training for a half marathon went well beyond this. After a training session, she had some back pain, but decided it would go away. She went to the doctor when it didn’t. Turns out she was in labor and had no idea she was pregnant. She, her husband and three kids welcomes a baby girl this week.

That kid is going to have a serious fear of bouncing.

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

How fat is baby? Soooo fat

It looks like even babies are starting to let themselves go, according to Dr. John Harrington.

Dr. Harrington has just released research of obese children’s  medical records that were gathered by himself and colleagues. They started gaining weight as infants, and 50 percent were overweight by age 2, and 90 percent by 5.

So, parents, if you want to reach your kids before they really pork out, maybe you should scatter some magazines around the house with idealized skinny kids. And make sure to add some passive-aggressive digs like, “Are you sure you want stringed cheese?” and, “It’s amazing how much bigger they make diapers these days.”

They’re eating all of our mushable food!

In these dire economic times (we leave no dead horses unbeaten), you would think that women would look out for our nation’s best interests. Jobs are scarce, food is expensive and we don’t understand health care. The last thing we need is more babies.

But, what’s the latest numbers? 4,317,000 births in 2007 the highest since 1957 when America couldn’t stop pushing twin beds together.

Sure, some of you “ladies” out there will say, “But, The Guys, it was 2007! Stocks were at an all-time high! Even my newborn was in on the action!”

Shame on you, E-Trade Baby-Mama. Your lack of forsight has doomed us all. It’s called hindsight and it’s 20/20. Use it (and maybe a free clinic) next time.