Can I get a price-check on a 1-year-old?

There are a few do’s and don’t’s when it comes to shoplifting. The Guys won’t dare tell you the do’s because we enjoy being free citizens of this country; however, we will say that there’s probably one big don’t that you should put above all else: don’t leave any evidence back at the store that can incriminate you.

Examples of this can be:

Baby Merlot gets go-ahead from Danish doctors

As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.

Racking up those early, formative years

A 19-year-old mother in Phoenix accidentally left her five-week-old son on the roof of her car and drove off. The baby was fortunately in his child safety seat and suffered no injuries. According to the report, she admitted to smoking marijuana, which may have contributed to her forgetfulness. Her coffee, however, was securely placed in a cupholder and is fine despite being from Starbucks.

On a positive note, neither the pot nor the roof-top baby incident should bar her entry into the 2028 presidential campaign.

For some moms, nagging starts early

Today’s Headline of the Day is a dire warning: “Never wake a sleeping baby.”

We all know the hazards of infants. But, sleeping babies are like sleep walkers. Waking one up during their routine murder spree dreams could put you and your family at risk, especially once they reach they early moving-around stages.

But, depressed moms refuse to heed this warning, and science is trying to figure out why. Possible motives include worrying about the baby’s health or needing emotional reassurance from something you’ve made. (The Guys hug daily print-outs of our Web site every night.) They did not consider the theory that we submitted: revenge for midnight feedings.

Let’s hope she kept it down during her contractions

Flying comes with its own list of headaches, including headaches caused by cabin pressurization problems, but nothing is worse than a crying baby. Especially a crying baby that has their own seat in First Class.

But, one mother took one for the team and held her baby inside of her for an entire flight to Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport — even during the stressful taxiing/everyone clutching their carry-ons to bolt out the jetway first standoff. She waited until safely well within Concourse D to finally take her baby out in … ugh … one of BWI’s bathrooms.

While fellow passengers applauded her ability to keep her baby out of earshot and sight, the airlines have banded together to speak out against this before it becomes trendier than those weird napkin papooses. They stated very clearly that “keeping a baby within one’s body does not void checked baggage fees for baby supplies upon delivery on airport property.”

Hey! That baby’s recyclable!

Dawa Lama of Queens, N.Y., was arrested for allegedly dumping her baby in a trash can in the hospital bathroom where she gave birth to it.

The baby was found by the next person to use the bathroom, who still maintains that–although disturbing–the baby, amniotic fluid and uterus parts still beat what’s normally left on and around the seat.

According to police, Lama has been charged with assault, reckless endangerment and violating Elmhurst Hospital’s return policy on newborns.

New moms won’t freak out about this at all

You might think that pregnant moms have enough on their plates to worry about, and that adding unavoidable fears won’t help them. You are wrong.

Moms now need to worry about about exposure to pesticides, which can lower their baby’s IQ and are found on every food they need to eat for a healthy pregnancy. In solidarity with our media brothers and sisters,  The Guys have helpfully assembled a list of other substances that can lower your baby’s IQ:

  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade
  • The Situation
  • Sound waves of Sarah Palin’s voice
  • Kentucky
  • Paradigm shifts
  • Korn

So, there you go. Avoid those things and you might not have a stupid(er) baby.*

*SeriouslyGuys reserves the right to declare any human being that has not mastered language, potty training, locomotion, sleeping on its back and feeding itself stupid. If you disagree, feel free to update your Facebook page in protest.

Babies > maces

Oh Walmart. The crimes that linger in and around your stores give us no dearth of laughs. I mean, obviously, it can be gathered that the majority of the people that commit acts of disingenuous behavior in your presence probably aren’t the smartest people in their locale; however, there are some members of the intelligencia living among the detritus.

After all, how else can you explain using a newborn baby as a blunt object in order to avoid being captured by the authorities, especially if you’re the parent of said child? Had he used a baby, mighty Casey Jones may not have struck out. Had she used a baby, perhaps Elin could have gotten answers out of Tiger a lot earlier.

Sadly, we’ll never know. The only evidence we have is a Syracuse woman stealing a large amount of goods from a store and then using a baby in a baby carrier like a ye olde ball and chain against a loss prevention officer in the attempt to flee the store. A flee attempt that eventually ended unsuccessfully, mind you. Alas, we may never know this secret of the world.