Amazon says you’re pregnant, creates registry for you

You may not think you’re pregnant, but Amazon knows better. So don’t be surprised when you start getting gifts.

Earlier this week, people reported getting emails from Amazon letting them know that someone had bought something on their baby registry. The only problem was that they didn’t have a baby on the way, nor did they have a registry. The company claims it was a glitch, and that it doesn’t actually know anything that the women themselves don’t.

Glitch or no glitch, it might be a good idea to buy some pregnancy tests on Amazon. You never know what Alexa has been telling that site.

Science: Babies are corrupt

Never trust a baby. We all know that they are lazy, whiny and unfit for civilized society, but now it turns out that they’re corrupt.

According to a new study, everyone has their price–even babies. Researchers at Yale found that children as young as 12 months will accept things from “bad guys” provided they are offering enough. Every baby weighs the benefits and risks of accepting a prize from a “bad guy” over a “good guy,” and if you offer them enough, they will totally do the wrong thing.

These babies are morally corrupt from the start. And they want to be leaders one day?

Threat of surprise babies on U.S. airliners now real

Nuke the entire plane from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Nuke the entire plane from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Babies: everybody loves them … except when they cry, throw up, pee, poop, smell for any other mysterious baby reason (evil?), bogart our lady friends’ nipples, refuse to sit still or are visible or otherwise detectable in public. Otherwise, who’s a cutie? Who’s a cutie-pootie-patootie? (Spoiler alert: you are!)

Of all those factors, nothing gets our goats like motherf*ckin’ babies on a motherf*ckin’ plane. At least you can see them as you’re boarding, just like how you can count all the yoga pants in First Class. So, you can mentally prepare yourself for the inevitable caterwauling once their ears start popping.

But, not if the baby is hidden inside of its mother. A woman aboard a China Airlines plane sprang a sleeper cell baby on fellow passengers on a trans-Pacific flight from Indonesia to Los Angeles. The surprise terror baby was able to divert the flight to Alaska, where it will no doubt join forces with polar bears and secessionist, out-of-wedlock Palin babies.

If the idea of a shrieking, unexpected baby doesn’t terrify you, then consider this: once anchor babies are airborne, no fence will be able to stop them from taking our tiny, adorable jobs.

Can I get a price-check on a 1-year-old?

There are a few do’s and don’t’s when it comes to shoplifting. The Guys won’t dare tell you the do’s because we enjoy being free citizens of this country; however, we will say that there’s probably one big don’t that you should put above all else: don’t leave any evidence back at the store that can incriminate you.

Examples of this can be:

Baby Merlot gets go-ahead from Danish doctors

As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.

Racking up those early, formative years

A 19-year-old mother in Phoenix accidentally left her five-week-old son on the roof of her car and drove off. The baby was fortunately in his child safety seat and suffered no injuries. According to the report, she admitted to smoking marijuana, which may have contributed to her forgetfulness. Her coffee, however, was securely placed in a cupholder and is fine despite being from Starbucks.

On a positive note, neither the pot nor the roof-top baby incident should bar her entry into the 2028 presidential campaign.

For some moms, nagging starts early

Today’s Headline of the Day is a dire warning: “Never wake a sleeping baby.”

We all know the hazards of infants. But, sleeping babies are like sleep walkers. Waking one up during their routine murder spree dreams could put you and your family at risk, especially once they reach they early moving-around stages.

But, depressed moms refuse to heed this warning, and science is trying to figure out why. Possible motives include worrying about the baby’s health or needing emotional reassurance from something you’ve made. (The Guys hug daily print-outs of our Web site every night.) They did not consider the theory that we submitted: revenge for midnight feedings.

Let’s hope she kept it down during her contractions

Flying comes with its own list of headaches, including headaches caused by cabin pressurization problems, but nothing is worse than a crying baby. Especially a crying baby that has their own seat in First Class.

But, one mother took one for the team and held her baby inside of her for an entire flight to Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport — even during the stressful taxiing/everyone clutching their carry-ons to bolt out the jetway first standoff. She waited until safely well within Concourse D to finally take her baby out in … ugh … one of BWI’s bathrooms.

While fellow passengers applauded her ability to keep her baby out of earshot and sight, the airlines have banded together to speak out against this before it becomes trendier than those weird napkin papooses. They stated very clearly that “keeping a baby within one’s body does not void checked baggage fees for baby supplies upon delivery on airport property.”

Hey! That baby’s recyclable!

Dawa Lama of Queens, N.Y., was arrested for allegedly dumping her baby in a trash can in the hospital bathroom where she gave birth to it.

The baby was found by the next person to use the bathroom, who still maintains that–although disturbing–the baby, amniotic fluid and uterus parts still beat what’s normally left on and around the seat.

According to police, Lama has been charged with assault, reckless endangerment and violating Elmhurst Hospital’s return policy on newborns.