Tag: baby

Parenting is not its own reward

It’s said that crime does not pay, but this may now be otherwise. A man was able to nab not one, but two Xbox 360s from a Beavercreek, Ohio Best Buy while carrying a diaper bag and a real live baby.

The man, described as 6ft, 250 pounds and balding, grabbed two consoles and left with them under his arm while carrying the child. He then got into his Kia Spectra and sped off, allegedly without even securing the baby in its seat. Although on the surface this looks like bad parenting, we can’t rule out the fact that the baby was in on the scam, mind you possibly the brains of the entire operation.

Not having children and pawning off any duties involving my younger brother when he was growing up onto my parents, that’s gotta be one big diaper bag.

Australian superhero not your normal stereotype

Or possibly one at all. At least, not the usual Australian stereotypes of “HOLYCRAPEVERYTHINGHEREWILLKILLYOU.”

A man in the country, Andrew Leich, managed to take parenting to a whole new level of dedication by allowing a car to crash into him in order to save his baby. THAT IS BADASS.

It’s been reported that the baby is okay and without any injuries. We’re assuming that the same can be said about Leich, as he was asked about the incident. Also, we assume that because he’s apparently made of pure iron.

Run for the hills, Tian Tian!

Zookeepers at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. have officially called off this year’s Panda Watch. It appears that Mei Xiang faked the whole thing, again.

Apparently, Mei Xiang will do anything to keep the attention she craves from zoo personnel, the media and her own badgered panda husband, Tian Tian, all of whom have been through this ordeal five times.

It’s time to leave, Tian Tian. She’ll just keep pulling this act to guilt you into sticking around. It may be hard to leave the potential mother of your cub or whatever they call your babies, but would she really lie to you if she loved you?

(And that’s how you convince an endangered species to stop breeding donating their sperm to a zookeeper.)

Exercise is the new green tea

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not exercising. That’s OK. After reading this, you’ll be inspired to begin immediately.

As we reported earlier, your baby is fat. Babies, however, are also notoriously lazy: demanding to be carried, soiling themselves and not even bothering to chew their food. But, pregnant mothers who exercise give birth to smaller babies, which delays their inevitable chunking-up by a year or so.

Exercise also may treat depression and anxiety. Researchers believe the increased activity makes you too tired to care about your naggy, fat baby or dead end job.

And, if you thought your baby was good for nothing, that was nothing compared to their teenage years. Fortunately, it appears your teenager can overcome your fat genes by exercising for one hour a day.

It’s only a matter of time now before exercise is recommended for curing sprained ankles, heat exhaustion, drowning, heart attacks and asthma. Now run! Run until your herpes clear up!

How fat is baby? Soooo fat

It looks like even babies are starting to let themselves go, according to Dr. John Harrington.

Dr. Harrington has just released research of obese children’s  medical records that were gathered by himself and colleagues. They started gaining weight as infants, and 50 percent were overweight by age 2, and 90 percent by 5.

So, parents, if you want to reach your kids before they really pork out, maybe you should scatter some magazines around the house with idealized skinny kids. And make sure to add some passive-aggressive digs like, “Are you sure you want stringed cheese?” and, “It’s amazing how much bigger they make diapers these days.”

Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Dear Dr. Snee,

What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?

–Johnny Laster, age 8

A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.

But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.

A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Fact and fiction still hard to separate

There’s a new uproar in the world today.

No, it’s not about Obama. That’s so last week.

No, it’s not about Michael Jackson. That’s so Monday.

No, it’s not about Jon and Kate. That’s just sad.

The big uproar is over marketing, that devious tool of the devil. A billboard has been erected (heh heh heh) in Deep River, Connecticut, to help promote underage drinking. That’s a good cause, right? How could you ever think such a thing?! It shows a baby around a beer bottle and a number of empty beer bottles around a teen couple. The madness!

Except it’s an assumption that the bottle by the baby is a beer bottle or that it’s filled. A gross and wild assumption. But hey, that’s never stopped people before, right?

Babies are depressing

As Congressional Democrats are trying to prove to the country, babies lead to depression, hence their provisions in the stimulus package for birth control education.

While most Republicans are scoffing at this notion, science has backed the Dems claim: the release of a placenta-produced corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) does, in fact, lead to post-partem depression.

Furthermore, once the baby is outside of the uterus, the depression becomes airborne, infecting other family members besides mom. The feces cause nausea, older brothers and/or sisters are no longer loved and Dad’s too frightened to ask for an HJ.

Every member of the family becomes a carrier of the baby and its depression, disrupting the bastions of American commerce:

  • Movies
  • Shopping Malls
  • Hospital Waiting Rooms (Pharmaceuticals)
  • Strip Clubs

Eventually, the entire economy grinds to a halt, all because of baby.

We prefer our breasts prenatal

OK, ladies: what’s the deal?

We’re not allowed to see your breasts in changing rooms or beaches or on carefully hidden bathroom cameras, but we’re supposed to look when you’re breastfeeding?

Let us backtrack a minute.

Heather Farley has, in the spirit of lazy Internet people, started a Facebook group to protest Facebook. It appears the social networking Web site took down photos of her breastfeeding her baby. In response, her group is cleverly tittied titled, “Hey, Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!” [exclamation point hers, because that shows she’s serious].

Facebook, the fascist company that hosts her protest group, said the image showed her areola, which — in this Web site’s estimation — violates their image rules.

So, according to Farley, we’re not supposed to look at her breasts when she’s young and hot and fancy free, but she can show them to us when she’s somebody’s mother? With a baby gumming all over the nipples?

This is what’s wrong with America. We don’t want to see them now; we wanted to see them before they reminded us of the dangers of sex.

We’ll take “Potent Potables” or “Pregnant Prostitution”

It’s been a busy week for us here trying to keep up with all the stripper/hooker related news, but this one takes the baby cake. It’s the mother of all hooker stories. It’s so good you’ll slap your mama. Mama said knock you out, I’m gonna knock you out. Alright, finished with the puns.

If you ever wanted some baby booty, look no further than Missouri where cops busted a pregnant prostitution ring. The arrests have led to the debate that if they are pregant, are they still considered milfs?