Bacon scare over before it started

Don’t believe everything you read on the web. We have more than “some pig.”

Your reaction to the term “fake news” may vary, depending on your political orientation and how big of a role fake news plays in maintaining those positions. But, The Guys believe that we’ve discovered a unifying reason why we should all take it seriously: a PR stunt by the Ohio Pork Council nearly lead to a bacon panic. (And it still might based on how fake news travels in wider circles than refutations of it.)

The council used a USDA report on the state of our nation’s frozen pork belly inventory — it remains strong, but the surplus is running lower than usual — to launch, which explains how we’re not running out of bacon. This caused news sources, including USA Today, NBC, CBS, Men’s Health and Business Insider, to run the story that we are facing a bacon shortage, time for everyone to start writing eulogies to the BLT and investigate human-based alternatives to pig strips.

(It’s notable that the only source to not pull the story in that list is Business Insider, which is basically a blog-hosting service with a newsy-sounding name. You know, like the International Business TimesHuffington Post or Brietbart. Read and share critically, friends.)

So, to make this clear to everyone: the state of our bacon supply remains strong. We are maintaining a surplus, one that is albeit smaller than ever in the past 50 years, but that’s still more bacon than we could responsibly eat in a year. Even if we all stepped up and ate more, we’d die sooner, leaving the same bacon reserve for our greasy heirs.

We are producing more hogs than ever, so please, if you were planning a bacon riot (which is what we plan to name our next stroke), call it off.

Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.

Save the planet by eating more bacon, researchers say

If you want to help save the environment, stay away from that salad.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have found that fruits and vegetables are worse for the environment than less healthy food. For example, lettuce is three times worse than bacon. That isn’t a joke. The greenhouse gasses associated with growing produce makes them worse for you than all those meaty, unhealthy foods you love so much. Commonly-eaten vegetables are among the worst. The Guys will never allow celery in our bloody Marys ever again.

Last week, 195 countries signed an agreement to reduce carbon emissions. Shouldn’t you be doing your part?

Blame it on the swine, yeah, yeah

In other bacon-related news

The Chinese city of Dazhou has a wee bit of a pollution problem. Okay, maybe that was downplayed a bit, as the area has spent all of 2015 suffering from severe air pollution. That sounds pretty bad. It gets a little worse.

Officials are blaming it on bacon.

No blame is being thrown toward a bacon-producing factory, as one would expect, but its own citizens for smoking their bacon, an act that is not a euphemism. Environmental officials claim that the process, a centuries old tradition that has gained popularity as time has passed, releases a pollutant that is a key ingredient in the recipe that is “Breathing Problems.”

Children, mark this day in history, as you now know the first shot fired in the Internet-Dazhou War of 2015.

Motorcycle, like you, runs on bacon

Are you happy now, internet? Your bacon craze has gone far enough.

A Minneapolis man has a motorcycle that runs on bacon grease. We know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is stupid to own a motorcycle in a city that only sees temperatures about 40 degrees for three months a year. Even worse is the idea that you have to collect a whole lot of bacon grease to get your ride to work.

Eric Pierson did that and more. He rode his motorcycle all the way to San Diego for the city’s Bacon Fest and Film Festival over Labor Day weekend. We imagine he smelled great on the highway.

Spunky dos, spunky don’ts and spunky cold medinas

"Oh s**t! Oh s**t! I hit something! Oh s**t! Why didn't I take a cab?!"
“Oh s**t! Oh s**t! I hit something! Oh s**t! Why didn’t I take a cab home?!”

The Guys being, well, guys, know better than anyone how important sperm count, morphology and motility is to men. They are, after all, the third, fourth and fifth factors by which we compare ourselves to competitors, right after penis length and pissing distance. (Note: penis length can be an unfair advantage in pissing contests, which is why urine streams are measured from the urethra to point of contact with the ground or objet d’piss.)

This importance is why it is with an ambivalent heart that we bring you the following results of four new studies on your manimals:

  • Good News: Countering previous research, caffeine itself does not affect your sperm! Holding a hot coffee cup between your legs, however, does.
  • Bad News: Bacon — and other processed meats — deforms your sperm, and while women love the Hunchback of Notre Dame as much as they love bacon, they still don’t want millions of Quasimodos or Oscar Meyers inside of them.
  • Good News: Alcohol doesn’t affect your sperm, either! And, since they’re not driving, there’s no reason to believe they pose a risk to other organs and cells on the way to the egg. (Just careers and bank accounts.)
  • Indifferent News: Exercise (except bike-riding) and fish also improve your sperm. So, that’s good news if you’re a weightlifter in Maine.

We’re calling this a wash.

Oink, dude

There’s grass-fed meat and then there’s grass-fed meat.

In Washington state, one rancher is experimenting with how to make pork taste even better by feeding pigs marijuana. It works exactly like you’d think. While pigs can’t really get high, they can get the munchies. Making the pigs even hungrier will make them eat even more, and butchers hope, give the meat a little more a little tastier. Who knows, maybe you will even get a contact high from your morning bacon.

Still, there’s no reason we should be using the legalization of marijuana to benefit our animal foes. It’s the gateway drug, and no one wants to eat heroin-addled pork.

Bacon: something to wake up for

Bacon is also what makes salad worth eating.
Bacon is also what makes salad worth eating.

105-year-old Pearl Cantrell of Richland, Texas believes that there is only one reason she still wakes up every morning, and that reason is bacon. Cantrell credits her long life to eating bacon every day, noting, “I don’t feel as old as I am, that’s all I can say.”

This should settle our long-running philosophical debate over whether a longer, baconless life is worth living. Clearly, the answer is no — for, without bacon, what is there to live for?

Meaty flavor

The internet’s obsession with bacon and willingness to promote outrageous items has finally come to a head. Thanks to the great hive-mind, we can now purchase bacon-flavored condoms.

Just days after Bill Gates issued the call for a “next-generation condom,” we may already have a winner. J&D’s has given us the bacon-flavored condom, because we all enjoy licking prophylactics.

How could the pope possibly condemn condoms now?

Bacon WILL be brought home along with higher prices

Rejoice! No longer will the world join the ranks of being kosher! Well, except for those that were already kosher and shall be staying that way. And for people that don’t live in the United States.

Last week, we reported how the United Kingdom may be seeing a bacon shortage. BAH! We say bah! The United States will not be seeing a shortage, as we’ve got plenty of swine to go around. Though, there is a small after-effect attached to the epidemic: the price of bacon will be going up soon.

Will it be sizzling? No, probably not. But the cost of bacon may result in one less bacon wrapped bacon cookie for you.