Meaty flavor

The internet’s obsession with bacon and willingness to promote outrageous items has finally come to a head. Thanks to the great hive-mind, we can now purchase bacon-flavored condoms.

Just days after Bill Gates issued the call for a “next-generation condom,” we may already have a winner. J&D’s has given us the bacon-flavored condom, because we all enjoy licking prophylactics.

How could the pope possibly condemn condoms now?

Bacon WILL be brought home along with higher prices

Rejoice! No longer will the world join the ranks of being kosher! Well, except for those that were already kosher and shall be staying that way. And for people that don’t live in the United States.

Last week, we reported how the United Kingdom may be seeing a bacon shortage. BAH! We say bah! The United States will not be seeing a shortage, as we’ve got plenty of swine to go around. Though, there is a small after-effect attached to the epidemic: the price of bacon will be going up soon.

Will it be sizzling? No, probably not. But the cost of bacon may result in one less bacon wrapped bacon cookie for you.

Jewish and Muslim people will be the worst cannibals

The future is now, people-and it is tasty. Savory and succulent and tasty. And soon to end.

Robots have identified human flesh as bacon, one of the more delicious parts of the food group.

With this bit of news, we’re not saying that you can run around and call cops “pigs,” only because we don’t have a lot of money to bail you out.

Now, keep this in mind: we’ve created robots that can consume meat for power. We’ve discovered that robots identify our skin as bacon. It’s only inevitable that we will now have to fend off the oncoming robot apocalypse sooner than we think. I’m not suggesting that we become a bunch of Luddites, but it may increase our chances.

Quick, turn off the internet before they can find this message and it’s too late!

Courtesy of Cassie

Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America.  I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

Smells like … bacon

The animals are in a full blown crisis state and are lashing out in desperation. Bruce, an Australian pig, held his owner captive for 10 days inside her room while the pig went crazy with rampant demands to be fed. Look, there is a reason we make bacon, pork chops, pigs feet and scrapple out of these snot-nosed hooligans: to keep our cities safe. Sure, some companies and books may try and glamorize the pig, but make no mistake, they are dangerous and not to be taken lightly.