Sneezing birthday cake out declared overdoing it

The only 100% foolproof way to keep people from eating bacteria-tainted cake.

In our daily search to deliver to you, dear reader, the most pressing, urgent news, we read some unbelievable statistics. For example: blowing out birthday candles apparently delivers 1400 percent more bacteria to the surface frosting than already put there by your filthy, disgusting baker. (Sharing a tub with both a butcher and candlestick maker — meat and tallow? That’s nasty.) And that’s incredible if they, at any point, put baking supplies in their purse.

So, if your birthday wish is to give all of your “friends” and family strep or worse, have we got good news for you.

Bagged salad is sadness, Salmonella risk

Don't eat sad, filthy bags of pre-cut salad. Veg out with your wedge out.
Don’t eat sad, filthy bags of pre-cut salad. Veg out with your wedge out.

Contrary to countless of stock photos, our salads are nothing to laugh at. Bagged salad is already sad because, seriously, lettuce is like the easiest thing to chop in the world. It’s thin, doesn’t run around or get blood everywhere and is excellent practice for emergency brain surgery. But, it’s also a Salmonella risk — which means you might as well have had chicken or fish instead.

Part of the problem is the bag. The lettuce is cut and put in moistened bags to preserve leafiness. But, that same moisture leeches nutrients out of the cut leaves, which becomes a breeding ground for bacteria. Basically, it’s a sealed terrarium for diarrhea.

So, if you’re going to veg out, do it with your wedge out — the whole damn thing. Or, at least eat your sad, pre-made salad in one go. Or eat an animal. We’re at war.

Foolish scientists discover ancient Black Death bacteria

#waybackwednesday
#waybackwednesday

Scientists have found a 20-million-year-old flea preserved in amber. And just like the researchers in Jurassic Park, what the ancient insect holds will prove to be nothing but bad for humanity.

According to a new study, the flea has ancient bacteria on its mouth and butt parts. Not just any bacteria, it’s an ancient strain of the Black Death. Yes, scientists have found the granddaddy of the disease that killed millions of humans in the 1300s, and continues to kill even today. Researchers now wonder if this old version of the plague was killing off species long before we humans ever made it.

It’s only a matter of time before these so-called scientists accidentally release the proto-plague and kill us all. It was foretold in the super blood moon eclipse.

Third world gets a leg up in Olympic swimming events in Rio 2016

"No! No! No no no nononononooooo!"
“No! No! No no no nonononon–” ::splash::

Speaking of fecal sports, it looks like our swimming athletes will get more than a mouthful at the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. According to an Associated Press investigation, the water in Rio’s brimming with “1.7 million times the level of [fecal-bourne viruses that] would be considered hazardous on a Southern California beach.”

Kristina Mena, a U.S. expert in risk assessment for waterborne viruses, examined the AP data and estimated that international athletes at all water venues would have a 99 percent chance of infection if they ingested just three teaspoons of water — though whether a person will fall ill depends on immunity and other factors.

[Emphasis ours.]

It would take our athletes years to acclimate to those waters, which wouldn’t prevent them from getting sick, but would lessen symptom severity. As it stands, they don’t have enough time to train without chumming their swim lanes — a considerable amount of beefy chum if you’ve ever been to a Texas de Brasil restaurant.

So, congratulations, third-world athletes. You finally found an advantage over first-world water filtration. But, seriously, what a sh*tty way to win.

Booze may do what medicine cannot

Once again, science may have found that alcohol is good for your health. This time, it’s mead.

Mead is a fermented drink mostly made from honey. It was all the rage with everyone from the Vikings to the Greeks back in the day. Now, researchers in Sweden are investigating whether mead’s mystical powers can kill harmful bacteria in you, all while getting you sloppy.

They have found that lactic acid bacteria found in bees’ honey stomachs can help kill off antibiotic-resistant bugs, so it’s possible that those magical properties have transferred to mead from the honey it comes from.

Science wants to buy your poop

Are you looking to make some extra money? Perhaps you should consider selling your poop to science.

Researchers in Massachusetts are offering up to $13,000 a year to healthy people for fecal samples. By “healthy,” that probably means if you read this blog, you don’t qualify. No one wants your crap after a night of slamming beers and eating hot wings with your buddies. However, you may qualify for a fecal injection. Doctors can put someone else’s poop into your intestines, transplanting all of the healthy bacteria, too.

Or if you’re looking to boost your immunity in other ways, you could just inject yourself with some alligator blood.

You kiss your mother with that bacteria?

"Achtung, baby. Wanna raise your IQ a few points (presuming that bacteria has anything to do with it)?"
“Achtung, baby. Wanna raise your IQ a few points (presuming that bacteria has anything to do with it)?”

Taking a break from their perpetual contact high, Dutch scientists examined kissing. And they found that your average 10-second Freedom Kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria between participants.

To figure out what transfers most readily from tongue-to-tongue contact, the scientists had one participant from each pair drink a probiotic drink. And, based on the results, they hope to one day use this research to help “design future bacterial therapies and help people with troublesome bacterial problems.”

So, if you don’t like yogurt, you could always try making out with Jamie Lee Curtis.*


*SeriouslyGuys is in no way responsible for what Jamie Lee Curtis’ security does to you for attempting to make out with her.

Ain’t that a kick in the aspartame?

But only if you hate her or stand to inherit a lot of money when she passes, you monster.
But only if you hate her or stand to inherit a lot of money when she passes, you monster.

If you’ve been drinking diet soda for a long time (as in, the “diet” part still hasn’t worked after all these years), it could be because you’re one of the people who can now process artificial sweeteners like regular sugar. And not only can you digest them, but they may be actually worse for you, increasing your likelihood of gaining weight or developing type 2 diabetes.

So, who’s to blame?

  • Soda companies, for deceptively marketing their drinks as dietary? No. It’s not their fault people decided that drinking brown sugarless water would bring about the same results as not drinking any brown water at all.
  • Doctors, for not figuring this out sooner? No. Did you read the part where people needed to get healthy and, rather than drink water and maybe exercise, drank something else from soft drink companies?
  • Animals? Sort of!

It turns out that artificial sweeteners would have worked if it weren’t for bacteria in our biomes. Aspartame, sucralose and saccharine should have been undigestible — merely sweetening our beverages in our mouths before moving on directly to Toilet Town. But now certain ones can use artificial sweeteners to raise blood sugar levels two- to fourfold.

And, yes, we know that — technically — bacteria aren’t animals. But we aren’t winning the War on Animals by being discerning now, are we, eggheads?

The case against beer pong

If you’re heading to a party tonight, you could wake up with an infection even if you don’t hook up.

Some hard-working and dedicated students at Clemson University conducted a study of beer pong balls and found that they are covered in harmful bacteria like salmonella, listeria, e. Coli and staph. Apparently that lukewarm water cup doesn’t completely sanitize the ball after it rolls into a dust bunny in the corner.

This is why you should play liquor pong instead. The alcohol kills the germs.

(via Brian C.)

Science: bacterium that eats arsenic? Inconceivable!

Back in 2010, scientists were excited by what appeared to be the discovery of a bacterium, GFAJ-1, that not only lives in an environment rife with arsenic, but also eats that arsenic and uses it to survive instead of phosphorus. It would have been the first lifeform ever discovered that lives on anything outside of the six “building blocks” of life: oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, phosphorus and sulfur.

However, it was not meant to be. Two new studies have proven conclusively that GFAL-1 was still getting enough phosphorus to survive and had merely developed an immunity to arsenic. Alas, it is not the arsenic-drinking monster that we thought might have finally cured our Sicilian kidnapper problem.